Thanks!

I had actually signed backed into Reddit to delete my entire post/comment history and account, but I stumbled upon your comment and had to respond. Full disclosure: I'm not an academic. I only have an undergraduate degree, but I was intent on pursuing an academic path. However, my experiences both on Reddit and in real life are making me think carefully about whether I want to get into this. (Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment, but despite everything I've been to, the idea is still appealing to me...)

Based on my limited experiences, academia does attract it's share of toxic people; but it's not everyone nor is this limited to academia. Any competitive career that requires advanced education attracts narcissists/egotistical people (one can be highly egotistical without meeting diagnostic criteria for narcissism). To get into and especially succeed in a Ph.D. program (or medical school, or law school ) requires above average levels of intelligence. So these are people who have been praised/rewarded for their ability their whole life and have developed a strong ego. Then you have to factor in economic privilege. People with these degrees typically grew up with a strong sense of entitlement and are used to getting their way.

While many professions attract narcissists/sociopaths, however, there are different types of narcissism, and academia attracts a certain type. Unlike the CEO who craves power and money, for example, academics expect to be admired/praised. Praise from their advisor (perhaps especially from their advisor) validation in the form of a degree that only around 2% of the population has, in publications, awards etc. They can't handle their ego being challenged, and will cut you off in a heartbeat at the slightest perceived criticism.

This is where my personal experience comes in. I think it's well known enough and I don't want to get into it and distract from you post, but I learned that academia is unforgiving and "cut throat." You won't get to repair a relationship with your supervisor/ a professor etc. no matter how much you admire them or how much you apologize etc. You'll be bullied by your peers/colleagues if they see you as weak/different. (This is based on my experience with supposed graduate students/potential grad. students on Reddit.) It's this aspect of academic life that's causing me to question my decision to pursue it. I'm expecting it to be academically challenging, and I'm prepared to work hard and push myself. However, I don't know if I want to emerge myself into such a toxic environment. I don't know if I could handle worrying every minute of every day whether my advisor is mad at me, and falling apart if/when they are. Maybe the bullying isn't as bad in real life since there's no anonymity, but based on my Reddit experience, there are going to be a lot of obnoxious people in grad. school.

Despite all this, however, I crave the rewards of this path. Anyway, again, these are just my conjectures and experiences, but I wish you luck on your journey.

I just wanted to thank everyone here for the support before I delete all my comments/this account.

You can try all you want to get back at them, but in the end you’re only giving into them and providing them with more fuel. Don’t stoop to their level.

I realize this, and I am going to take a break/delete this account. However, I still want them reported.

Edit- I think deleting my account will be my best revenge because they love this. I guess it enlivens their otherwise sad, boring lives.

Yeah, this isn't worth it anymore. I'm taking a break. (I just posted, but that's the last I have to say on this.)

I created the follow post yesterday: https://www.reddit.com/r/whatsbotheringyou/comments/fmjco1/redditthoughts/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x TL:DR- The combination of rejection and cyberbullying I've experienced helped me understand why mass shootings happens. (I'll reiterate that I wasn't condoning them or threatening to commit one.)

The question is why did I have to turn to Reddit in the first place? Why did I have to resort to publicly humiliating myself and subject myself to incessant harassment in a desperate attempt to figure out what happened? Why wouldn't anyone at the university communicate with me? Why did I have to delude myself into hoping that maybe one of her colleagues would recognize the situation and reach out to her? It was a desperate move and perhaps in poor judgment, but why did it come to this? The answer is lack of privilege.

While my only "recourse" was to become a public spectacle, this would have been handled much differently for an economically privileged student. First, the chair likely would have met with a privileged student/alumni to discuss the situation and find out how he could accommodate them. Their story changed so many times that I don't how this was actually handled, but it was clear that they wanted as little interaction with me as possible. (The dean did meet with me in person a few times, but it wasn't for a genuine conversation; she thought that I'd go away with the repetition of a few platitudes.) Again, that would have been different with a wealthy or at least upper-middle class student.

Had such student wanted to reconcile with her, they would have found a way to make it happen. If I had 6+ figures to donate, they would have flown her in so we could talk this out over lunch or dinner. Five figures...maybe a phone call or email/instant message conversation. Anything less, however, and you're shit out of luck. Then you get evasiveness and condescension.

Some may argue that college students are typically broke, but the difference is that traditional age students usually have upper middle class (or wealthy) parents funding their education and sometimes donating to the university. If one of these parents complained about the way a chair handled such situation, they'd do everything they could to rectify it to avoid a lawsuit, but they know that a (then) 36 year old living on campus probably doesn't have many resources.

They don't care if I rant on Reddit, threaten to sue, call them every name in the book etc. None of it's taken seriously. They don't care how guilty I felt or how it was affecting me. I'm too poor for them to care.

I recall people telling me in my earlier posts that "I can't make people act the way I want them to." I disagree, with enough money you can. The underlying issue in all this is lack of privilege.

I don't even know where to begin, really. I started posting on Reddit months ago because I was upset about a falling-out I had with a professor I admired, and I have been incessantly bullied an harassed over to unfathomable degree. This isn't the occasional troll or snide remark that's par for the course on Reddit. I have been ganged up on by a countless number of people, though I don't know the exact number or how much of the bullying is coming from the same few people on alt. accounts. Additionally, this is more of a cumulative effect. With some exceptions, any single comment may not look so bad, but one by one they add up, and the constant barrage of , insults, gaslighting, belittlement, etc. is starting to affect by my physical and mental health. Here is the lastest disturbing comment calling me a "freak show."

https://www.reddit.com/r/whatsbotheringyou/comments/fmjco1/redditthoughts/fl82aqv?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x

Please report this. I reported it to the mods of that sub. and will report it to Reddit admin. as well, but again, a single report never does much. Also, a few days ago I suggested having a meta thread here where we can report comments that upset us so many people can report that user and hopefully get them banned. I deleted it, along with most of my posts/comments, but I wanted to resuggest it. It's ridiculous that this is tolerated, and I have no recourse from it. (Same goes for anyone in a similar situation, but I don't think anyone's experienced this degree of maliciousness.)

I'm expecting to be brigaded here like I am everywhere else, but hopefully the mods. will ban those users from this sub (for people with anxiety to seek support). I guess I'm going to have to delete/stop using this account, but that's still not recourse. I've already been affected by this, and again, I feel like I have no recourse and everyone gets away with bullying me. Reddit needs to take measures to prevent this, such as implemented two-way blocking and/or better privacy controls.

*I did sarcastically call this person a "winner" after they made this remark, but that doesn't compare to "freak show," and one quip by a single user (the laughing stock of Reddit yet) isn't going to affect them. (Just wanted to mention this incase anyone points it out.)

With a name like Puffinz420, you sound like a real "winner."

This post was a bit dark, but I'm feeling better since eating. I'll soon delete it, but this what anonymous strangers are doing to me. Please report the harassing posts.

https://www.reddit.com/r/SubredditDrama/comments/ebod10/university_student_makes_a_dumb_decision/

Here's the post. If you look at it, you'll see my posts were retrieved using Removeddit.

See what people do to me. They brigade, turn people against, me deliberately provoke me, etc. I'm going to leave Reddit again, but I first wanted to ask you and everyone else to report this bullying.

*I think I know who this person is, but of course if I mention anyone they'll deny it, and it will feed into everyone saying I'm "crazy" etc. They're always "disengaging," just after they say one more thing, etc. Then they delete their account, come back on an alt. account etc.

Edit-don't you find it odd that they made this claim (about the post) without sharing it? They'll probably answer that they didn't want to embarrass, me, there's always a reason, always a way to win sympathy from others.

Reddit's what's bothering me. I started posting here mainly because I was upset about a falling out I had with a professor. I wanted nothing more than to apologize to her and have the grievance dismissed, but not one person at this university would reach out to her. Not the chair. Not admin. No one. That left me with nowhere to turn except an anonymous social media site to vent on. The anonymity, however, is precisely the problem with Reddit, as it allows sociopaths/obnoxious people to act with impunity.

While almost everyone's received an occasional obnoxious comment or perhaps has even been trolled from time to time, I have 88 FOLLOWERS CONSTANTLY HARASSING ME, BRIGADING ME, CREATING TROLL ACCOUNTS TO HARASS ME/GASLIGHT ME FROM, ETC. Yet I have no recourse. I can't get even with them, because it's impossible for one person to take on a group. If I try returning their harassment, it ends up fueling more.. If I call someone out, "everyone" comes to their defense and manages to turn potentially sympathetic people against me. If I dig up their embarrassing posts and share them, I'm a "stalker," yet it was okay, even admirable, that someone retrieved 2 months worth of my deleted posts, (made during a mental health episode, which he made fun of) and shared them on Subredditdrama for kicks. (Not to mention how everyone saves and shares my comments/posts). Then there are the alt. accounts often made s pecifically to respond to my posts from . I guess I could create an alt. account and harass some of them back from it, but they'd know its me and just share the post, which will incite more harassment. Reporting this harassment doesn't help either, because Reddit doesn't do anything. I'm going to have to delete my account, or at least stop posting again, but I wanted to share this first (which I guess will fuel more harassment, because many literally live for my posts.)

I now truly understand why mass shootings happen. I'm not condoning them, nor do I intend to commit one or harm anyone (And I guess even if I did, I don't know these people are. They're anonymous.) , but I understand the mentality now. Almost every mass shooter had been bullying by multiple people, like I have here (only I don't even know who my harasser are). They've also experienced a lot of rejection in their lives. Not only have all my relationships failed/ended (I'm sure many will save and share this for more laughs), but all I wanted in this case was to apologize to a professor. Again, however, not one person at this university was willing to reach out to her. I guess their hands might have been tied since I had graduated after all this happened. Hoever, it's not exactly illegal for someone to reach out to a professor and say "This student is distressed, has X conditions, and wants to apologize. Just talk to them for a few minutes." Then again, maybe they did try to reach out to her, yet she couldn't empathize with a mentally ill student who wanted nothing more than to apologize to her. I'll never know the truth (I can only surmise)--but everyone there does (from the dept. to the dean's office, to the provost's office, to the president's office, to student affairs, etc.) Yet while this was (sadly) practically my life's purpose (reconciling with her), I was just a nuisance to them, or at best, a little "drama" to liven things up at work. They all have their spouses/partners, graduate degrees/programs, a decent-highly paid job (depending on the position), etc. Not me.

Maybe this all wouldn't be so bad if I had graduate school to look forward to, but I was rejected from the only program I applied to--my alma mater yet. And the truth was, my paper (in the professor's class) did suck, and the one person I cared about (besides my parents), doesn't think I'm fit (read smart enough) for grad school. Maybe that's why she didn't answer my letter. I've seen posts here from students who claimed to have low GPA's (I had a 3.93) due to depression/ mental illness get into programs. They got another chance, but I won't. I can't afford to take more undergraduate classes so I can write a better research paper; the difference is those students are privileged. (This is the only research project I had, as I didn't decide on grad. school until later in my degree.)

So what does one do with all this anger when they have no recourse? In my case, I'm holding out until I can (hopefully) afford legal recourse. I have too much anxiety to risk going to jail/a mental institution, and non of these sociopaths are worth it. However, think about this situation if/when there's the next mass shooting. Like me, such shooters are seen as "sick". After all, who would want to kill "innocent" people for no reason? They're "deranged" while they're victims get sympathy.Yet no one asks what drives them to this. No one considers the bullying, the rejection, etc. Think about this next time. This is what creates a mass shooter.

*My blood sugar is low because I haven't eaten since last night. I was too aggravated to eat and wasted time posting this, so it's not the most organized or eloquent writing (A- right?). Remember these snide comments the next time there's a mass shooting, when you or your loved one's are the "victims." Think about what drives a person to do this.

*I predict there'll be comments from 20 something year old armchair shrinks telling me to "get help" or "check myself into a mental institution." Go fuck yourself.

I wanted to get this off my chest, but I'm deleting/leaving this account anyway. I don't care if I get banned. Fuck Reddit already.

*I'll very likely delete this post later, but the bullies will save and share it. The post itself is fueling them, but maybe one day they'll learn...one way or another.

I have never revealed the name to anyone even though tons of people have messaged me asking for it.

No, you wrote "I know Dr.__, etc." You then deleted when everyone asked you to take it down.

Amelie and thought I’d try to help you move on by letting you think it was a beautiful love story that ended due to external circumstances. Love lost can be beautiful. I thought I was giving you the gift of moving on in the nicest possible way.

"She says she knows the professor, this must be true! I'm moving on happily now."

LOL Wow.

See how everyone defends the bullying and harassing I've experienced (if this is not, in fact, the same person who created that post)? Everyone gets trolled or harassed on Reddit from time to time, but this is insane. I have 88 people (well, 88 if you don't count all the alts) following me, brigading me, harassing me, creating troll accounts just to interact with me from etc. and REDDIT DOES NOTHING.

Please do me a favor and report them (especially the person of the drama post). I've reported most, many times, yet nothing is done.

Also, how many people can say their UNIVERSITY DEPT., ADMIN. AND GENERAL COUNSEL are following their posts?!!! Everyone EXCEPT ME gets anonymity on Reddit. And please don't believe that they're "just trying to protect the professor etc." THESE ARE LIKELY SOCIOPATHIC KIDS AND/OR BORED PEOPLE USING THAT A PRETENSE TO BULLY. Somehow it's working, and they get sympathy, while I look like a villain for wanting to apologize to a professor.

Anyway, I'm done. I'm soon deleting this account. Thank you for your support and understanding.

Edit-I haven't eaten yet and I'm hypoglycemic, so please excuse the poor quality of the writing/disorganization etc.

However, I can find clothed women attractive, even scantily clad women. In a sexy way, but an aesthetically sexy way, not an "I'd do anything sexual" with them sort of way.

I agree that aesthetically admiring someone's looks doesn't count as being attracted to them in any way. Unless one is very insecure (or homophobic etc.), I think everyone can admire aesthetic attractiveness in both sexes. It doesn't mean you're aroused/want to have sex with them. My comment was more about actual sexual or romantic attraction. I appreciate your comment, however, and you have a good point about it being hard to quantify my theory.

Yeah, that was poorly worded. I didn't mean to dismiss anyone's identity; hopefully my post here better conveys my thoughts. I also wasn't implying that NOBODY could be 100% gay or 100% straight, I'm just curious as to which experience is more common (100% one way or the other, or being someone in between.) Anyway, I'm sorry if my post came across the wrong way.

I originally tried to post this on the bisexual sub, but my posts are automatically deleted there (probably because I'm brigaded by too many people over the professor). Anyway, given my own experience and reading about others', I'm thinking that most people are, at least technically, bisexual. While many think of bi as being equally attracted to both men and women, even being attracted to a single person of the same or opposite sex in one's life time means that one's not 100% straight or 100% gay (technically bi). Of course, "labels" are subjective. What I mean is, regardless of how one identifies, most people (I think?)have experienced at least one attraction to the sex they're not normally attracted to. Then again, I could be overestimating based on my own experience. So I'm asking if anyone here is 100% gay or 100% straight (probably unlikely on an LGBT sub). Has anyone neither felt any sexual NOR romantic attraction to the gender they're not normally attracted to? I'm just curious as to whether it's more common to somewhere on the spectrum of sexuality or at either end (i.e. 100% gay or 100% straight)?

[removed]

I think most people are bisexual to at least some degree. Many think of bisexuality as being equally attracted to men and women, but I'm learning that being 100% gay or 100% straight is probably the exception rather than the norm. Some are even attracted to each gender in different ways or to different degrees (i.e. sexual vs. romantic attraction etc.)

A presumed attraction should make her distance herself, as encouraging or acknowledging it would be unethical.

I sometimes think she/admin. picked up on this, and that's why they haven't let me apologize. I basically complained about mild fluctuations in her tone, which wouldn't have bothered most people (even with an anxiety disorder),unless they were in either love, OR a disgruntled student exacting revenge (which I've worried is what she thought, since she didn't know about my anxiety disorder prior). On the other hand, the "curt" tone of the last email may have been to discourage my feelings. I had written to her because a proposal I submitted to a conference she was attending was accepted, and I was asking for (very minor) assistance. The only thing was that I had no training in this area(which I think she knew) nor had I even mentioned being interested in it while in her classes. So I guess that was a bit suspicious, but she may have just seen me as an ambitious student (which I was). I don't know, does my behavior scream "romantic attraction?"

I also asked her to be my graduate advisor, and I think she knew that I liked/admire her, just maybe not the extent? If these weren't red flags, then again, I worry that the alternative was that she saw me as a malicious/disgruntled students seeking revenge because she wouldn't help with a project. (We actually had a good rapport [I thought] before all of this.)

The professor has no ill will, because this isn't a personal relationship.

True, but I think anyone would have "ill will" toward someone who filed a grievance against them, especially if it was someone they liked. Ordinarily, would it be such a big deal for a student (former student, in my case) to apologize? Something was "odd" about the way they handled everything.

A continuation could lead to formal charges, if she does feel threatened.

I worry about this since I've already received a cease and desist letter warning me to stop trying to have the complaint dismissed. (It didn't prohibit me from contacting her directly.) Again, however, my intention isn't to harass her but only to apologize. Again, I'm not sure if her refusal to accept my apology/talk to me is due to resentment/animosity or just not wanting to encourage a romantic attraction (which is understandable.)

I'm also sensitive, but I think I'm more compulsive in the opposite respect. I want reassurance that the other person understood what I was trying to say/communicate. I'll sometimes ask people (particularly when leaving a message for someone) to repeat back what I said. This probably comes across as condescending, and I'll usually explain that I want to make sure I was communicating clearly. Even when they repeat back the correct info. I worry that they won't rely the message accurately or that the other person will misunderstand etc.

Earlier this week, I posted about having a fallout with a former professor last year (also mentioned questioning my sexuality over her, which I doubt she knew about). It's quite a long story, but in summary, I wrote a letter to the dept. chair when she didn't respond to one of my emails within her usual timeframe, and in that same complaint, I mentioned the "curt" tone of some of her communications causing me severe anxiety. I have GAD, and that combined with my admiration/feelings for her caused me to "freak out" and overreact.

I later tried to have the grievance dismissed/reversed, but all the university would say was that "she has no ill will toward me" and that "the case was closed." The dean did, however, initially say that the prof. was not upset with me, and even seemed likely to write me a letter of recommendation to grad. school, so, wanting a professional pretense to contact her, I including a lor request in my apology letter 7 months ago. (Also, the whole thing was awkwardly worded and likely came across as insincere.) When she didn't respond, I again contacted the chair (who ignored me) then the dean, etc., hoping someone would explain my anxiety disorder to her and explain that I wanted to apologize and have the grievance dismissed. However, I got the same generic responses about her "having no ill will toward me."

What I want to ask everyone here is: Do you think it would be worth sending her one more letter before she retires soon. (She's living in another state, so meeting in person isn't an option.) I hated ending on such a bad note with her, and while I realize that she's probably not going to want to stay in touch, I'm hoping she can at least understand and accept the apology. If so, should I mention questioning my sexuality? I can't "come out" to her, because I don't know what I'd come out as. I don't know if being romantically attracted to one woman in my life would make me gay or bi etc. I sometimes think the sexual aspect was just because I wanted her approval or wanted to be like her. (I'm still attracted to men.) Regardless, since she's openly gay, maybe she's understand if she knew I was questioning my sexuality. (I'm not expecting to have a relationship with her etc.)

However, if she doesn't respond, then I'll have to face that she probably hates/resents me, not to mention how embarrassing that would be. To make things even worse, because someone retrieved my deleted posts and made the situation viral (along with a narrative that I've stalked her; which I haven't), she ended up being doxxed, as has everyone involved. So, if she would have forgiven me before, she's probably not too happy to know that she was doxxed on Reddit (not my fault, but maybe she'll it that way). I don't know if she's actually seen my posts or if any of her colleagues have, but one "official" at my university did confirm that they saw my account. (To clarify, I'm no longer a student there, and all this happened a few months after I graduated.) Thus, I don't know if she'll see a distressed student who wants to apologize or if she's blame me/hate me even more. (That's if she knows about all the Reddit drama).

I wanted to ask the LGBT community specifically whether she may be more understanding if she knew that I was in love with her, since she herself must have questioned her sexuality at one point. Plus, I wanted to let her know about my anxiety disorder and how it affected me in this situation. Although I'd particularly appreciate replies from LGBT educators/professors (or students who may have been in similar situations), I welcome all (civil) replies.

• I have 88 followers on my account and many of them brigand me from sub to sub, harass me, try to prevent anyone from sympathizing etc. I'm probably going to soon delete this account, because I'm sick of them, but I wanted to get your opinions first.

First, I'm now 100% sure it wasn't her. However, just to clarify, I didn't doxx her. A few months ago, someone went to removeddit and retrieved about 2 months worth of my deleted posts, used the to support a libelous narrative that I was stalking/continously contacting the professor, and shared it in Subredditdrama (and made fun of my anxiety disorder/OCD as well). Here it is: https://www.reddit.com/r/SubredditDrama/comments/ebod10/university_student_makes_a_dumb_decision/ This went viral, not only because of the sub's popularity, but because this kid continued sharing it other subs that he posts in, and others then shared it as well. So if anyone doxxed the professor it was him, but he wasn't thinking of her when he made this; he needed the attention/validation--which he got. Then another troll (they went by the username dietcokehead) publicly posted my professor's name in a comment saying that they knew her and knew that she was in love with me but didn't want problems with her spouse lol. They ended up deleting this after several users admonished them for it, but somehow everything ends up my fault.

I'm probably going to end up deleting this account soon. If it means the harassers win, so be it. It's not worth it anymore, and I don't need this added stress in my life from random trolls/online bullies. I think deleting my account would actually have the worst affect on them, because they're living for this, no matter what they say. They follow me, create alt. accounts, and never report me. (If I was banned, that would spoil all the fun for them). Fuck it, already.

I guess the only way I'll know if my professor forgives me is to reach out to her in real life. If she ignores me, then I'll have my answer, and I think(?) I'll be able to handle it now. At worse, she'll forward the letter to the General Counsel's office. (I was told to cease and desist from trying to have the grievance dismissed; I don't think it applies to sending a single apology letter to her.)

This is the limerence talking. Nothing else.

I deleted the comment, though writing it out helped me realize how ridiculous the thought was. I'm obviously being harassed by a core group of kids, maybe even just one or two. I'm not engaging with them any longer, and I'm going to continue reporting troll accounts to Reddit.

I'll probably end up deleting my account soon anyway, because these shmucks aren't worth my health, but it's a shame that I can't even enjoy my soap opera sub now. I know harassing me off of Reddit or aggravating me is their goal, but if Reddit won't ban them (I haven't stopped trying), then I give up. I think deleting my account would have a worse affect on them because, sadly, they live for this.

Plus, I have 88 followers (gained a few new ones over these past few days), and I know I'm just providing a source of entertainment/intrigue for them. (Even when posting about/commenting on other subjects, they're fascinated by my thought process and I guess I'm alleviating their boredom.) Oh, and as I said in the original post, people from my university have (supposedly, according to one of them) seen my posts. While I actually wouldn't mind the professor seeing anything I've shared, it feels kind of invasive to know that admin/legal staff etc. are following me.

Regarding the rudeness: I don't believe there's any excuse for incivility or harassment. If you (in general, not saying you in particular) disagree with someone, are annoyed by their posts, etc., then there's always the option to unfollow them. And I wasn't rationalizing my behavior. That's been the point of all my posts, actually. I did think I overreacted by writing to the chair, and I wanted to sincerely apologize to her and make sure the grievance was dismissed. That's what everyone's harassing me over. It's not for the grievance but because I wanted to make amends. I guess they saw a weakness/easy target, and decided to gang up on me. Again, it's not worth it anymore, and I may soon delete this whole account (which may be their goal).

And nothing can be resolved over Reddit anyway. The only way I'll know if this professor will accept my apology is to email her in real life. There's a good chance that she'll ignore it, and then I'll get my answer. Part of the reason I've continued posting from this account is because I was hoping that one of her colleagues would recognize the situation and let he know how upset/remorseful I was. (I haven't doxxed her, but if someone already knew about this, they'd recognize it, in which case they'd know my identity as well). I think any decent person wouldn't want someone to suffer if they were genuinely remorseful and would at least be willing to say they understood and wish them well etc., even if it's only out of professionalism/sympathy etc.

Anyway, thanks for the reply.

Some people have switched to alts with you because you have obsessively stalked multiple commenters' histories and attempted to doxx them.

Obsessively stalked multiple commenters histories and attempted to doxx them...you mean like this? https://www.reddit.com/r/SubredditDrama/comments/ebod10/university_student_makes_a_dumb_decision/

The only one that I think looks like they're wearing a wig is Lani.

She'll probably be Hope for now, but like you said, they probably left room to reopen the "Gina" storyline in the future.

I know it's common for us to sometimes delude ourselves into thinking that our LOs are contacting/want contact with us etc., so we can make connections where none actually exist. I get that, and that's why I'm asking for others perspective's on this. (All /rude/uncivil/harassing comments are being reported.) I received the following comment yesterday from an "alt" account (though they deny that it's an alt. account, there's only a few comments on it, and with 1 exception, they're all directed at me.) https://www.reddit.com/r/limerence/comments/fjwfam/civility_on_this_sub/fkxiftm?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x

I guess most know my story already, but I think it's crucial to mention that 1.) I initially started posting this story on academic subs, including AskProfessors. 2.) It went viral when someone dug up my deleted posts and shared them on Subredditdrama (which has about 500K subscribers), along with the libelous narrative that I was stalking this professor. (I haven't, but believe what you want at this point.) Despite the main plot being fabricated (you know, the whole stalking/constantly writing/reaching out to the professor part), it "caught on" and others shared it etc. So let's say it's gotten around. 3.) A university "official" in real life confirmed that they saw some of my posts. Thus, if this is true, than I guess it's possible that this was shared/seen by other admin./faculty etc. Again, please keep all this in mind when reading this post.

What I'm asking is, does anyone think that comment could have been either the professor, someone at my university, or one her colleagues/friends in academia? I know that sounds "crazy," but given the above info., I think it's at least theoretically possible. At the same time, however, it's....crazy.

Here's why I think it might be: 1. They seem very emotionally invested in this, particularly in the professor's reputation. 2. It's posted from an "alt" (or at a min., very rarely used) account. In another comment they said that "AAAAAALL the people telling you to stop are real, discrete people who happen to share the opinion that you've dug this hole deep enough to hit China." Does she know that because they're people from the university/friends/colleagues? (There have been numerous troll/alt. accounts created specifically to respond to me from, so I find that a bit suspicious, though many of them are probably just troll fucking with me.) However, some of the "alt." accounts have made sensible/insightful comments, so I had to wonder if those were her or someone at the university. Again, while I know many find this saga entertaining, or maybe disagree with my desire to apologize etc., I can't see a random person, with no connection to her/the university, being that invested in this.

On the other hand: Many who were commenting on my original threads were grad. and even undergrad. students, and they were responsible for a lot of the harassment. So I'm probably being trolled. I would make sense that they'd want me to think this is the professor or one of her friends/colleagues etc. because this how they derive enjoyment in life...Also, the account above uses the British spelling of Yoghurt, though that alone doesn't mean much. Not to mention that if this professor wouldn't speak to me in real life, she's probably not going to reach out to me on Reddit (even to call me an idiot and insult me)...I don't think.

Again, I wanted objective perspective's on this, but any harassing/uncivil comments will be reported.

For what it's worth, on the small chance that this or any of the other accounts were the professor, she came on here/responded to tell me that she doesn't want anything to do with me. Either way, I'm starting to see that she's probably (definitely...?) not who I thought. And I think, no, I KNOW, I'm going to be okay without her in my life. More than okay, actually. My only regret is that I spent so much energy and ruined my future at that school over someone who could care less about me. I thought I'd add this because I want to emphasize that I'm not going to reach out to the prof. in real life etc. if someone genuinely believes it's her. I just wanted objective opinions.

You're really invested in this for some reason.

Is anyone else worried about a food shortage? I think I'm worrying about this more that the actual virus now. I also worry about having an unrelated medical emergency and not being able to receive care because they hospitals are overcrowded and short on staff/supplies--not to mention the chance of catching the virus in a medical facility. I so far don't have any reason to worry about this, but you never know. What if in the middle of all this, my appendix ruptured etc.? Anyone else experiencing these thoughts/worries?

Also, goes without saying, but stop reposting my comment to other subs.

Then stop harassing me.

I received this comment yesterday (from a troll account), and it made me realize that there's still a lot of negative stereotypes of nontraditional students. https://www.reddit.com/r/limerence/comments/fjwfam/civility_on_this_sub/fkxiftm?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x

In this comment, for example, I was called an "idiot," and my age and the fact that I attended college as an older student were emphasized. (Sidenote: I neither doxxed nor stalked my professor, nor did I try to have her fired, but that's the besides point here.) For the record, I graduated magna cum laude, but I feel this comment reflects a stereotype of nontraditional students being less academically prepared or perhaps even less intelligent than traditional age students. Has anyone else experienced any stigma or harassment over being a nontraditional student?

Thanks :) Yeah, I graduated with a 3.93 GPA, so I didn't take them too seriously (though I still feel it's harassment). It was posted from a troll account, so I think that says a lot about them...

When you don’t have to look someone in the face, you can be mean. You can be a troll. You can say nasty, hurtful things. You can be a faceless entity being a real piece of shit to another faceless entity, and there’s no consequences.

I understand your points about having anonymity, but at the same time, I think Reddit needs to take steps to at least minimum some of bullying. I think it would be a good idea, for example, if blocking could be two ways on Reddit. Currently, even if you block someone, they can continue commenting on your posts, and the only difference is you can't see it, thus can't report it. I also think people should have to send a request and be accepted to follow someone, plus, one should be able to report "troll accounts" to prevent people from creating alt. accounts to harass people from. While such measures may not be foolproof, I think they would at least reduce a lot of the negativity/harassment on here.

I've seen some posts/replies here related to bullying on Reddit, something I've experienced much of myself, and I think people with anxiety may be more susceptible to it than most. (Perhaps because we tend to be more thoughtful and sincere than most people, and others pick up on this and see us as an easy target.) As such, I wanted to suggest having a meta thread on this sub where people could share posts that upset/harassed them, and we can report these posts to Reddit admin. Based on my experience, when a single person reports a post/comment (as I have many), not much is done, but if multiple people report it, maybe the harasser will get banned, especially if they continue. Just an idea. A lot of us are prone to stress, and we don't needed this added aggravation to our lives.

I agree with you about the anonymity; it's the perfect environment for sociopaths/obnoxious people to "be themselves" with impunity. I also think it has to do with the fact that blocking is only 1 way, so even when you block someone they can still follow you and comment on your posts.

Yes, unfortunately it's pretty common. Someone actually retrieved months worth of my deleted posts a few months ago (I was upset about a falling out I had with a professor) and posted them of Subbreddit drama for kicks and made fun of my anxiety disorder in the same post. *Spoiler-I haven't stalk or harassed the professor : I was venting about wanting to apologize reconcile with her; deleted the posts and then he retrieved them for laughs/attention https://www.reddit.com/r/SubredditDrama/comments/ebod10/university_student_makes_a_dumb_decision/

People even create alt. accounts to harass me from. Here's a comment I just received today.

https://www.reddit.com/r/limerence/comments/fjwfam/civility_on_this_sub/fkxiftm?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x

Here I was called an "idiot" and made fun of for attending college in my 30's. (Again, the whole thing about stalking the professor and trying to get her fired etc. is untrue.)

This is just the beginning...Anyway, I'm sorry that you were downvoted. I just wanted to show you that you're not the only one who's experienced "meanness" on Reddit. I think people with anxiety are more susceptible to it.

You just said you have 86 followers, so obviously there’s more than one person that could be keeping tabs on your posts

And you're one of them. I edited my comment several times, so you're apparently following me pretty closely. According to your post history, you're an undergrad, and I'm assuming a traditional age student. Grow the fuck up.

Agreed. First, it's more realistic that he'd have an occasional relapse. (Plus like you said, they could have not given him is meds). Him and Cierra have become boring, as there's never any tension or drama in their relationship. I say this as someone who initially rooted for them when he was the "underdog" and everyone was trying to warn her about him etc. Now that he's an established "good guy," however, they've become kind of dull in my opinion. Moreover , it showcases RSW's acting ability. He plays both "good" and "crazy" so well; we need to see both sides of him.

I didn't want to call out a username in the title in case because that's against the rules of most subs. However, today I received the following comment from DowntownYoghurt7. https://www.reddit.com/r/limerence/comments/fjwfam/civility_on_this_sub/fkxiftm?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x Based on the wording of the comment, I suspect it's a user who used to post as Superfluous_Cowboy, but once I figured out who he was and posted his first initial, he deleted that account. He has harassed me for almost six months by following me to various subs, DEMANDING that I stop posting, calling me names, and claiming to be annoyed by my posts--but following me and commenting on them, and creating different accounts to follow and harass me from.

This was the creator of the Geministop account a while back. In one of the comments, he asked me if this was sexual for me, and said I remind him of someone he used to work with in Best Buddies. I reported that comment, and I guess it was deleted bc it's no longer showing in this account, but the person who posted as Superfluous_Cowboy "coincidentally" had Best Buddies listed in linkedin profile. Also, look at u/Geministop 's history, and you'll see how the comments are very similar to the above post.

You'd think one alt. account would be enough, but I suspect he also created the paintings_of_fawns account, and then of course, there's this one (DowntownYoghurt7). The funny thing is that after I have retold my story numerous times over the course of months (bc I'm distressed over this and have OCD), he can't even get the details right--despite how closely he follows me lol. (I've had the professor for more than one course.) God knows how many other accounts he's created, these are only the one's that come to mind.

Anyway, I have reported him, but one report probably won't do much. So I'd like to ask others to report the above linked comment from DowntownYoghurt7, and the fact that this person keeps creating alt. accounts to harass me from. I'd also like to start a petition to make blocking two ways on Reddit, as my situation is a perfect example of why it's needed. Even when you block someone, they can still see and comment on your posts.

I hope this comment isn't deleted by mods. I'm not trying to cause any drama or disrupt this sub, but I don't know where else I can ask for help with this situation. Again, a single report typically doesn't do much, but if multiple people report this, maybe they'll get banned.

*Another thing that makes me think this is Superfluous_Cowboy, besides the similar wording of their comments, is the fact that he was Canadian, and Americans spell Yoghurt as Yogurt. (Canada uses British Spelling.)

How many new accounts are you going to make to harass me from, you STALKER? Since you want to name call, you're a FREAK, a BULLY, and a LOSER who enjoys harassing strangers on Reddit--from numerous accounts. I've reported you to Reddit for harassment, and I think I know who you are. (R.H. previously known as Superflous_Cowboy). Really, what the fuck is wrong with you? You're fixated on me and my "sexual obesession" for some reason. Does the thought of it turn you on, creep?

I am kindly asking you to leave me the fuck alone. If I'm lucky, you'll get the corona virus and my problem will be solved.

At 16, a 13 year old girl is only 3 years younger than you, so it's okay. (If you were 30, on the other hand, it would be pretty fucked up.) I remember being attracted to my mother's friend's 12-year old son when I was 16. (I only met him once, and nothing happened between us because we were in our mothers' company the whole time.)

Since you have OCD, you probably aren't really attracted to the much younger girls, but you fear it, so your mind tricks you into feeling arousal. Also, you said you listed the 6-19 age range to be cautious. Since the upper limit was 19, the lower limit was likely to have been much older than six.

If everyone was as germ conscientious as we are, there wouldn't be a pandemic!

Although I don't actively fear it, I wouldn't touch a wild mushroom (on the chance that it's poisonous or that I'd be allergic to it). I'm also allergic to shitake mushrooms, so I obviously avoid those.

I was just curious as to whether anyone can listen to a single song for weeks on end? I know most people will play a song on 'repeat' a few times, maybe even for a few hours, but is it an OCD trait to play a single song for weeks at a time? This doesn't happen all the time. However, sometimes I'll hear a song or one will come to mind, and I'll literally listen to it almost exclusively for about 2-3 weeks (then get bored with it and not listen to it for a while). This doesn't bother me, and the repetition isn't to reduce anxiety; it's enjoyable, actually. I was just curious as to whether anyone else with OCD does this or if it's "normal" (as in common)?

While most here are posting about break-ups, my heartbreak was over...a professor. Although she only taught me two undergraduate semesters, I was both inspired by her work/courses and captivated by her confidence, charm, warmth, and intellect. In short, I idolized her--to the point of questioning my sexuality over this. (For context: I'm 37(F) and she's 69.)

Anyway, we ended up having a falling-out when I reported her to the department chair over the "tone" of some of her communications with me. I'd be surprised if there's anyone left on Reddit who doesn't know the story by now, but just in case, I'm sharing the link to it because it's too much to retype all the time. https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/ffr22h/tifu_by_filing_a_grievance_against_my_professor/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x There's a TL:DR at the end of that post, but in case anyone doesn't read it : the TL:DR version is that I was pretty much in love with her, and that combined with my anxiety disorder caused me to overreact to an unanswered email, and I reported hr to the dept. chair, accusing her of causing me to have a severe anxiety episode.

This happened almost a year ago, and I spent months going to every level of administration of the university--trying to have the grievance reversed/dismissed. They even sent me a cease and desist letter because I wouldn't give up on it. I felt guilty and wanted to apologize, explain that my anxiety was out of control, and ultimately reconcile with her. I've posted about this for months all over Reddit, contemplating whether I should reach out to her one more time. (My first apology letter must have seemed insincere since I asked for a letter of recommendation in it, though the dean said she wasn't upset with me, plus I wanted a professional pretense for contact.) However, I later explained to the dept. admin. assist. (and others) that I wanted the chance to sincerely apologize without asking for anything in return, yet these communications were reported to the the dean and later the General Counsel's office. So I'm assuming they're aware that the professor wants nothing to do with me, but have to tell me that "She has no ill will toward me."

Anyway, it finally hit me that I've wasted almost a year of my life on someone that could care less about me (even in a professional sense). If she did, she'd accept my apology and wouldn't want me living with guilt. I think about her almost constantly everyday, yet she probably hasn't given me a thought since this happened. The worst part about this is that I ruined my future at that university over her. For one thing, it's too embarrassing. Almost everyone in the dept., admin. and all the staff in their offices know about this. They knew how much she meant to me, knew about my mental health conditions (because I disclosed them), saw my efforts to reconcile with her --and knew that she didn't want to bother with this. I'm as much disgusted with them over this as I am embarrassed, but either way, I don't think I could apply to that school now. Yet I didn't want to leave this city, so this has put me in quite a dilemma. I don't regret my efforts to have the grievance dismissed; it's just sad that all of this was for someone who doesn't care.

I want to believe her reasons are more noble. A while back, someone suggested that the very nature of my complaint screamed "infatuation," and that she probably doesn't want to encourage that, which is understandable. I don't see how accepting an apology is encouraging an infatuation, however.

In any case, even if none of this had happened, she was retiring and wouldn't have been my advisor. I don't know if she'd even have wanted to stay in touch, even under the best circumstances. Truthfully, she probably meant a lot more to me than I did to her. I guess you can say she was going to "break my heart regardless."

Yes, but while I'm still worried about the virus itself, I'm now equally worried about a food shortage. I fear that if we don't die from the virus, then we'll all die of starvation. I don't know which I'm worried about more, but yes, I'm in a near constant state of anxiety these days.

It actually is cathartic for me, and I feel everyone has a right to post about whatever they want, provided it's not hate speech or bullying anyone . I'm not speaking for you, but I have 86 followers, so many are clearly enjoying this. (And yes, it's sick that they find someone's distress entertaining, but they're not disturbed by it.)

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I don't think it's childish or selfish at all. Maybe you should look for new friends? There'll be others who'll appreciate you. Hope you feel better.

I agree that it's good to advise someone against a bad decision, but there's never an excuse for incivility/rudeness.

You're on a limerence sub. Thus, I'm assuming you've been obsessed with someone at some point. How would you like if you had similar comments (and worse, as I have) directed at you?

Why? Everyone on this sub is, by definition, obsessed with someone. Since I can't talk to anyone at the university about this anymore, this is the only place where I can vent and get perspectives. Also, maybe some of her colleagues (or even her) have seen everything. (I was told by a university official that they have seen my previous posts, though I don't know if they're still following or if they told her anything.)

I disagree. I have diagnosed mental health conditions that affected my actions, and I felt extremely guilty afterwards and tried to have the complaint dismissed. People make mistakes. She's made mistakes in her life, yet hasn't suffered from them (as far as I can tell). All I wanted was the chance to (sincerely) apologize and explain the circumstances/let her know that I wanted the complaint dismissed. (I wasn't asking for anything in return, the lor request was just a pretense for contacting her, but it was in poor taste, so I wanted the chance to sincerely apologize.)

I'm sure I'm not the first student to have a misunderstanding with a professor, and this all could have been worked out with communication. (She was living out of state, so I couldn't go to her office to discuss it.)

I'm sorry to hear about your experience, but no, I didn't suffer from any trauma as a child/teen. I do have OCD, but I see this as part of my nature, as is being susceptible to limerence. I don't believe limerence is a "condition," it's just another way of saying you have strong feelings for someone.

It took me awhile to understand that the Limerence was about me and my issues rather than my LO.

I disagree with this. We're not limerent for everybody; there's something about our LOs that make us feel this way. We shouldn't blame ourselves for loving or caring about anyone. If anything, we have a greater capacity for these feelings than most people, and maybe we get hurt because of that, but it's not a flaw.

I'm the woman with the professor situation. The cease and desist letter was for continuously contacting admin. trying to make sure the grievance was dismissed and that she didn't suffer from it. I've only contacted the professor twice (months apart) since all this happened a year ago. Once was an awkward attempt to apologize (where I basically denied everything and asked for a letter of recommendation to boot [the dean had said she wasn't upset over this and willing to write one] and the other time I focused more on the lor, thinking that maybe the first letter was too emotional and that I didn't articulate my research interests clearly enough. The cease and desist letter was not for contacting her, nor did it stipulate that I couldn't contact her.

I only wanted the chance to sincerely apologize and not ask for anything in return, and I want this professor to know of my efforts to have the grievance dismissed. We actually had a good rapport when I was her student, and I did genuinely admire her professionally. If you read my story, you probably saw that my anxiety was out control at that time, as I pretty much had a nervous breakdown when learning she was retiring (she hasn't officially retired yet), and that led to a series of poor judgments (and affected me work in her class). Everyone involved in this (the chair, dean, etc.) knew about my mental health conditions because I disclosed them (anxiety and OCD, if you're wondering), yet not one of them would arrange for the professor and I to have a conversation (it could have been through Skype or even instant message) to work this out.

The catch might have been that I had already graduated. However, if they were willing to file a grievance after I graduated then they could have also arranged this. Not only did they know about my mental health conditions, but I explained how guilty I felt and they knew how distressed I was over this. I say that was negligence on their part.

As far as disclosing feelings, that's normally not a good idea to do with a professor unless you're 110% sure they reciprocate, but this situation's a little different. As I said, this professor is openly gay, and I started questioning my sexuality over her. This was the first time (I think) that I'd been in love a woman, so my feelings were intense (like when you have your first crush). She herself came out in adulthood, so she probably understands questioning one's sexuality.

Or, she might not be who I thought. I wasn't expecting any romantic reciprocation, and I'm still trying to figure out what all this was/is (i.e. if it means I'm bisexual or if I just got carried away in my admiration for her). However, as the authority figure, I don't see why she couldn't accept an apology, given the circumstances.

I'm not sure what to tell you about "Scotty," given the different sexual orientations, but try not to be hard on him.

I saw the context of this question in your other replies. I would just ask her if she'd like to try mutual masturbation. Approach the topic by asking her if it's something she'd like/be open to without mentioning that you know she masturbates. That might come across as invasive since she hasn't done it openly in front of you or told you directly etc.

Since I was harassed off of some academic subs and this post was deleted from r/college , I thought I'd post this here. Out of these options, which sounds like the best choice? I'm asking for advice.

Anyway, I'm currently in the dilemma of wanting to attend grad. school, not wanting to relocate (there's only one uni. in my city), but realizing that I've experienced too much negativity and embarrassment at my alma mater to go back there. I haven't applied anywhere, but I've looked into some programs, and I just thought I'd get others' perspectives on which sounds like the best choice (if I apply to any). I'm not naming the schools to avoid doxxing myself (or anyone else).

1. One program is in my "second choice" city. It's only a short flight from here, so I'd hopefully at least get to come back here during breaks and maybe even some weekends. While I don't think any city can be as exciting as my current one, this is a very metropolitan city with a rich culture etc. Although they have a program that's similar to what I'm looking for (a particular era of American history), it's not really the same area.
2. Another program is a perfect match to my research interests, and there's an advisor that I think I'll like there. (I don't think anyone will compare to the professor I had wanted here--or at least the idea I had of her/working with her.) It's also just a short flight away (or long drive/bus trip), however, I don't think I'd enjoy that city itself. They have some of the same entertainment there that they have here, but it's nothing close to the same scale, and it's a smaller/less populated town (which I don't like). Also, not having a car, it might be difficult for me to get around there.
3. The next program is in the city where I'm originally from, and the main benefit is that I'll be relatively close to my dad. My mother will also feel better about me at least having him nearby in case of an emergency and will worry if I'm anywhere else. (I'm also worried about not having anyone to call in an emergency, but less so in city #1 since it's an urban environment.) However, I didn't want to move back to my home state (quite a distance from here), plus, their program doesn't match my research interests well, nor do I see anyone there that I'm particularly interested in working with.
4. I can reapply to my alma mater. I LOVE this city, have family here, etc., and they have a new professor that matches my research interests (the other was retiring). However, the negativity/embarrassment, not to mention the constant reminder of my former professor's absence and our fallout, will make it a negative environment...BUT it's HERE.

Edit- I don't know if this matters, but I'm a nontraditional student (37F). Just wanted to add that for context.

Edit- Here's a summary of the negativity situations I've experienced at my university (in chronological order, not their order of emotional impact or how much they're factoring into my decision)

1. Their housing policies almost left me homeless
2. When my anxiety was out of control, I practically begged the director of their Ph.D. clinical psych. program for counseling, and they turned me away...several times (because my anxiety/OCD was too severe). While I understand that it was nothing personal, it was a rejection nonetheless.
3. had a fallout with a professor that I greatly admired. This was my fault, and I wanted nothing more than to apologize to her (arduously tried to have the grievance reversed/dismissed), but not one person in admin. would ask her to talk to me ( despite knowing about my mental health conditions and how distressed I was over the situation). Then, some of them were/are following the saga on Reddit, where I started questioning my sexuality over this. I'm not ashamed over the same-sex nature of my feeings (this professor was gay btw), but regardless of the genders involved, it's a pretty awkward situation.
4. Despite our fallout and the fact that she didn't want to talk to me/accept my apology, it would still be difficult for me to be reminded of her absence there.
5. Had an awful experience at another counseling program at the university (incompetent and emotionally abusive master's degree student of family counseling), and when I complained to his supervisor (not the same one mentioned above), she was rude and obnoxious. Their director also refused to refund me for my sessions , so this was more negativity with faculty.
6. I had a fallout with the dept. chair as well when I complained about the way he handled everything. I'm not emotionally affected by it like I am with the former professor, but it adds to the tension I would feel in the dept.

So all this is what I'd be dealing with there...

I was diagnosed with reactive hypoglycemia a couple of years ago, and I just realized that I can go from feeling irritable (even enraged), depressed, resentful toward the world etc. to relatively level-headed with a single meal lol. I knew that blood glucose levels can affect mood, but for some reason it just hit me tonight how dramatic the shift can be. Does anyone else experience this?

I heard this song the other day (I love 80's music), and the lyrics reminded me of my situation. I noticed parallels in your story (wanting to apologize etc.), so I thought I'd share this. I find music to be cathartic while allowing us to indulge our thoughts of them. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Uhrv4o9ZJg&list=RDMM3Uhrv4o9ZJg&start_radio=1 Enjoy :)

• I think we will eventually get over our LOs when we have another person to focus our attention/energy on. I've realized that this has to happen naturally, and we can't force ourselves to "move on."

I'm in a very similar situation--only with a professor lol. I think you have a point about being addicted to the pain. Pain and pleasure actually involve the same neural circuits, plus pain causes the release of certain endorphins that produce feelings of pleasure. Honestly, I've come to the realization that I enjoy thinking of my LO, even if it's the form of anguish or rumination. The thought of them still gives me a certain sense of pleasure, and I'd rather feel that than nothing at all.

I'm actually not that young (37); I attended college as a nontrad. student. I've looked into a few other schools as an option, but again, given that my situation went viral and my name might be associated with this account in real life, particularly in academia, I'm reluctant to name schools or cities :(

Thanks. I just edited my comment because I was just thinking that. The best revenge would be to go to graduate school and become a more accomplished scholar than her. I didn't want to leave this city, but I think I'll have to go with option #2. I'm disgusted with that university for many reasons, and they're not getting another cent from me.

If anything I'd like to sue them for all the distress they've caused me, but they know I can't afford to do that. Plus I worry that something like that might get around academia and hurt my chances at any school. Maybe moving would be a good idea because being in a new environment, without any connection to her, would help me forget about her. It's just a shame that I'd have to leave this city.

Thank you. The more I think about, they're not worth anymore of my time or energy. It's pretty clear what's going on: she's not legally prohibited from interacting with me: they just don't want to and, I guess, the university has to respect their wishes. It's embarrassing, hurtful, and worst of all has ruined my future. (I wanted to apply to grad. school there:but how I could I face anyone after this?) All the talk about her "not having ill will" etc. was a polite way of saying she's not speaking to me.

I'm honestly feeling vengeful now (not violent, there are other ways to get revenge), but maybe she's not even worth the energy.

For the most part, this has been a supportive sub. However, it was disheartening to receive some acerbic/harassing comments on my post yesterday where I asked whether or not I should apologize/disclose my feelings to my LO. Here they are (not calling out usernames in case it violates the rules of the sub):

"Jesus Christ stop stalking the poor woman. I hope she gets a no-contact order against you."

"You are beating a dead horse. To be blunt, this is excessive even for a limerent. Do your best to forget about it and move on."

"Just leave her alone."

I've received similar (and much worse) comments on other subs, but I wasn't expecting anything like this here. We should of course provide honest and constructive feedback to one another, as it's often easier to be objective with others' situations than our own. But harassment is unwarranted, especially on a sub. devoted to limerence. I know these were only a few comments and don't represent the majority of users here, but I'm not sure if I want to post here anymore now, on one the few places I thought I'd receive support. I really wish blocking people was two ways like on Facebook; the structure of Reddit, I believe, creates a toxic environment and attracts some of the most obnoxious people. If they could be blocked (i.e. not able to see/comment on posts they're blocked from), civility would ensue.

Anyway, I just wanted to express my thoughts. To everyone who's been supportive/civil: I wish you the best and hope things work out with your LOs.

You jeopardized her career. You got even and then you regretted and recanted. And now you want more from her.

I wasn't so much "getting even" as having an episode of mental illness. I have generalized anxiety disorder (not caused by her), and that combined with my feelings for/admiration of her caused me to overreact. Even though I did file a grievance, usually in such situations, the chair is supposed to have the student (former student in my case) and faculty member work out their issue before any official steps are taken. I actually wrote to him when she ignored an email from me (I told her I would withdraw the project from the conference but asked for her "guidance," explaining that I wanted to show her that I could produce better work when not under stress.) When she didn't respond (she usually replied to emails pretty quickly), and given the "tone" of her last email, I thought she wasn't speaking to me anymore and panicked. (We seemed to have a good rapport.)

Normally, I would agree that filing a frivolous grievance against someone is unforgivable, but when mental illness is involved, the situation is different. Also, while such a complaint could potentially jeopordize someone's career (which is why I went to admin. to retract the complaint), they (possibly) didn't take this seriously. The chair had her reply to the unanswered email, where she more gently declined to help with the project, but we never got the chance to work out the miscommunication. I read the email communications between them and he seemed to side with her, saying "you can't apologize for distress when you didn't know there was distress!"

She’s probably also been advised to not interact with you in any way- by administration, lawyers and public safety officials.

Again, they didn't seem to take this too seriously, but then again, you never know the real outcome in such situations given that personnel decisions are confidential. Public safety officials? First, she was living in a different state long before this, but I have not come anywhere near being a safety threat. (Please don't believe the rumors on Reddit about me stalking her.)

Maybe you can post your statements here for some relief, feedback and processing- however your request for counseling set some blocks in place that are best unsurmounted IMHO.

I don't know if posting here is a good idea because it's possible that admin. from my university are following me (This was confirmed in real life, I don't know if it's true, but I was told by a university official that they saw some of my social media posts.) Also, a lot of sadistic people on Reddit find my distress entertaining, so that would only give them more "supply," but I may write it for catharsis and then not send it. If I feel compelled to send it at some point, then maybe I'll share on Reddit first.

It's probably not a good idea for me to send it to her because I know a reply is unlikely, and then I'll have another setback. I don't know, I'll see, but I could always ask the university if I'd have permission to send it, explaining that I'm not expecting a reply. (Currently thinking it's not a good idea, however, because I'll end up hurt.)

There's no gay or straight look (just stereotypes). Anyone that would reject you because you don't look "gay" or "straight" enough isn't worth your time and energy.

I do have OCD, but that doesn't make my feelings for people invalid or mean that I don't deserve answers. I can't imagine a professor knowing that a former student suffers mental illness, is experiencing a lot of guilt and wanting nothing more to apologize, and coldly dismissing them. Would you not want to know if the person who meant the most to you could care less about you? I'm not expecting her to reciprocate romantic feelings, but it seems callous that she didn't even care in a professional sense.

However, being that she's gay, she might have picked up on my feelings and didn't want to encourage them. Again, that's totally understandable and would not make her a bad person. However, in the former situation, I ruined my future over her (at least at that school) for nothing, not to mention how embarrassing it is to think the entire admin. all know that she doesn't care/doesn't want to speak to me--while I beg them to reach out to her so I can apologize and insist that they dismiss the grievance (which I don't regret). Ultimately, however, I want to know if she's who I thought she was.

I understand that as a stranger, it's nothing to you, but it means a lot to me and I'm sure you'd feel the same if you were in this situation (if not with a professor/authority figure, then with someone else).

Sorry if this is redundant, but I always like to provide the background for anyone who may be unfamiliar with my situation. TL;DR summary: My LO was my former professor, and my limerence caused me to overreact to the "tone" of her email reply by writing to the dept. chair, accusing her of causing me to experience severe anxiety, and asking the dept. to pay for counseling and/or a doctor's visit for medication. I later tried to have the grievance reversed/dismissed and was told that there was no grievance (not sure if they're being truthful).

I did write her to apologize a few months after this happened, but besides including a LOR (just a professional pretense for the letter), I also denied that I had accused of her of traumatizing me and tried to excuse a poorly written paper (which she was kind enough to give me an A- on). Essentially, this letter was an awkward mess, and looked insincere to boot. She didn't respond to it, but in retrospect, I can see why not.

So I wanted to ask fellow limerents if I should write one more letter before she retires at the end of the semester? This time, however, I won't ask for anything in return, will take responsibility for the situation, and maybe even disclose my feelings. (I've long since graduated and she's about to retire, so I think it might be okay from a professional standpoint.) I'm not expecting her to reciprocate, but 1.) without knowing of my feelings, I look like a disgruntled student who filed a grievance against her out of malice and then only tried to apologize to get a lor. 2.) I'm also seeking certainty on situation. I keep vacillating between thinking she's a good person but didn't want to encourage a romantic interest and then thinking she's shallow and could care less about me (even in a professional sense). Again, however, my first letter was awful, and I wanted to be more open/honest this time. To clarify, all I'm hoping for is that she would write back expressing understanding and forgiveness.

Also, she's openly gay, came out during adulthood, and I've questioned my sexuality over her specifically (this is the first time I've ever fallen in love with a woman, and I'm in my late 30's). So I think she might be able to relate/understand if she knew that. Maybe I shouldn't specifically mention feelings for her but just say that I was questioning my sexuality.

The drawbacks, of course, are that I could feel even more embarrassed and hurt afterward. Worse, however, this letter could end up being reported to the general counsel's office. They already sent me a cease and desist letter, warning me to stop trying to have the grievance dismissed. (I'm complying with it.) However,they never stipulated that I couldn't contact her, but they've been monitoring me very carefully (all my communications about the issue were first being forwarded to the dean and now the general counsel's office). I sometimes can't believe all this stemmed from an email misunderstanding/wanting to apologize, so there's probably more going on here than I realized.

I've also considered that an apology would be a reminder of the situation, yet I hated ending on such a negative note with her. Maybe I could word the letter in such a way to emphasize the sincerity of my feelings without elaborating on the grievance. What I want to ask is...should I disclose?

I'm going through the exact same thing with my LO. My situations' much different (this was a professional relationship), but my thought process is almost exactly the same as yours. In my case, I wanted the opportunity to apologize and work things out with them. I keep analyzing and re-analyzing the situation and vacillating between thinking they were trying to discourage a romantic/"unhealthy" attachment (but are the kind/caring person I thought they were) and thinking they don't give a fuck because they're an awful character. Then I think that they might have been legally advised not to contact me (I filed a grievance against them), but this is unlikely. It's the uncertainty that's perpetuating all of this. However, given that this was a professional setting ( a university), I know admin. can't say, "We did reach out to her, but she doesn't give a fuck about you." So that leave open the possibility that there's some other explanation.

Sorry for the digression, but my point is that we tend to want to believe the best about our LO, but sometimes they're not who we think. I don't know what to think in my case (it's easier to be objective with someone else), but I can tell you that when you want to be with someone (whether it's a romantic or professional relationship etc.), you find a way to make it happen. I would have done anything to "be with" my LO. I was ready to move across the country for them (when I thought they'd be at a university), for example, despite loving my current location.

I obviously can't tell you how your LO feels, but to me it seems that if he wanted to be with you, he would find a way. At the very least, this shows that he wasn't as interested in you as you were in him. Also, you'll probably never get certainty from him. He's probably too polite to tell you he's not interested, so no matter what you say, he won't reject you directly. I know how painful it is to be rejected from a LO, and if you want absolute certainty, you can insist that you two try to overcome the distance. (If he gets annoyed and blocks you, then you know he was lying about his feelings.) I'm sorry for what you're going through, and I hope you get your certainty either way.

I have OCD (affected in different ways), so maybe it's a genetic quality. I can actually understand the mentality behind it; I just wish he'd be more considerate. Anyway, thank you for the response.

I'm currently living with my mother and some extended family (I can't afford to move out.) We're all in a single story house, and one of her relatives compulsively walks back and forth from the entry way to the back of the house (and through the kitchen) ALL DAY LONG. This starts around the afternoon and goes on until around midnight, sometimes even later, every day (with short 15 minute breaks in between). There's something about the pace and sound of their slow, constant, repetitive, footsteps (which I can even hear in my bedroom with the door closed) that drives me insane, and they don't stop. Literally. If you're trying to pass, they just keep walking forward in a robotic-like fashion. It's like a machine that you can't turn off!

They're diabetic, and their rational is that this keeps their blood sugar under control, but I've never heard of anything like it. Maybe it's working (I don't know), but I think they should by a treadmill for their room or join a gym if they're going to walk this long. It's really inconsiderate. Besides the noise, they walk in front of the t.v., and the whole thing is disturbing.

I'll probably delete this, but I just wanted to vent. I'm self-quarantined, so it's bothering me even more than usual.

This "friendship" sounds toxic, so I would reconsider whether you want him in your life. (He sounds narcissistic, honestly.) Also, don't give up on your art. The more you practice, the more you'll improve. Maybe could take an art class at a community college?

A few hours ago I posted here about questioning my sexuality over a former professor. Well, this professor and I ended up having a fallout (100% my fault), and I was never given the chance to work things out with her. I hope this isn't too off topic. However, this didn't go very well on academic subs and I ended up being harassed off of them. (I felt harassed, but that's another topic altogether.) Anyway, it's too long of a story to retype, so I'm sharing a link I posted in another sub. (It's long but there's a TL;DR at the end.) https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/ffr8bj/tifu_by_filing_a_grievance_against_my_professor/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x

What I'm asking is: it is possible that she picked up of my feelings, and didn't to work things out because she didn't want to encourage them? I actually hope that's the case because it's been difficult accepting that she was simply indifferent to my suffering. The situation is very confusing because she wasn't living in this state at the time, so there was no direct communication with her, nor would the university tell me what was going on (maybe because they knew she didn't want to talk to me). I would love the perspective of LGBT educators, but anyone is welcome to reply (as long they're civil).

We mostly communicated long distance, so I don't know how she could have been aware of how I felt. I was an "eager" student (though I did well/put effort into most of my courses), was willing to move across the country when I thought she'd be teaching at another university, asked her to be graduate advisor (she was retiring an not taking on new students), and then submitted a proposal to a conference she was attending. Even without knowing someone well in person, would this indicate possible romantic feelings? Again, I worry that the alternative is she simply wasn't who I thought, and I'm having trouble processing that.

Again, I'm sorry if this is off topic to the sub. Also, I'm not at all excusing my behavior. I fucked up pretty badly, but mental health conditions were involved, and ultimately, my feelings for her were overwhelmingly intense and I couldn't handle the thought of her being upset with me.

I think it comes from feeling like we didn't get the right mentoring growing up

If anything I had the opposite experience. I actually spent a lot of time with "older" women growing up. My mother often took me out with her and her work friends, plus she had her own older friends who treated me like their grandchild. I probably spent more time in the company of adults (primarily older women) than children growing up. However, I wouldn't call them "mentors," they were just my mother's friends. Maybe that's where some of this comes from, but you had the opposite background.

Although in my case the interest wasn't cars, that's how I felt about this professor. I think I wanted to be like her, including her sexuality. However, I'm starting to think it does overlap with sexual/romantic attraction. Perhaps there's a fine line between admiration and love. Anyway, thank you for the response.

That actually sounds pretty accurate, though a lot to explain to people lol.

I'm a cis-gender woman in my late thirties who always thought I was straight. I'm sexually attracted to and have only had sexual/romantic relationships with men. While I'm not sexually attracted women, I tend to become mentally/emotionally attracted to certain women (typically older women and/or authority figures). I've never thought of this as romantic attraction, as I typically just want close friendships or professional relationships with them. However, the last time it was/is so intense that I can say I was/am in love with her, and I think it started bordering on sexual as well. (I'm uncomfortable elaborating bc I'm not sure if admin. from my university are following my account [long story].)

Significantly, this was a gay female professor [twice my age] whom I personally and professionally admired. So I'm not sure if the sexual aspect stemmed from true desire/curiosity or if I was only seeking her approval. I'm still attracted to men and haven't otherwise desired or been curious for any sexual/physical activity with a woman. Also, I wasn't seeking a romantic relationship with her. (She's married anyway, and I'm not at all jealous of her spouse [happy for them actually].) What I wanted was a very close advisor/mentee relationship, with perhaps expressions of physical affection/sexual experimentation. I understand that latter part was probably unrealistic, and I would have loved for us to simply have a close professional relationship. (I am a bit jealous of some of the students who got to have this with her.)

I can honestly say I never felt so strongly about anyone (of either gender), and it's caused me to question my sexuality. So I'm thought I'd ask for the perspective of the LGBT community--what's your take on my sexuality? Straight with the need for attention/approval from older women/female authority figures? Bisexual? A lesbian who enjoys sex with men? Other/Undefinable? Discuss...

This is probably better suited for a graduate school sub., but I was harassed off of several of them a while back, so I thought I'd share here.

Anyway, I'm currently in the dilemma of wanting to attend grad. school, not wanting to relocate (there's only one uni. in my city), but realizing that I've experienced too much negativity and embarrassment at my alma mater to go back there. I haven't applied anywhere, but I've looked into some programs, and I just thought I'd get others perspectives on which sounds like the best choice (if I apply to any). I'm not naming the schools to avoid doxxing myself (or anyone else).

1. One program is in my "second choice" city. It's only a short flight from here, so I'd hopefully at least get to come back here during breaks and maybe even some weekends. While I don't think any city can be as exciting as my current one, this is a very metropolitan city with a rich culture etc. Although they have a program that's similar to what I'm looking for (a particular time period of American history), it's not an exact match.

2. Another program is a perfect match to my research interests, and there's an advisor that I think I'll like. (I don't think anyone will compare to the professor I had wanted here--or at least the idea I had of her/working with her.) It's also just a short flight away (or long drive/bus trip), however, I don't think I'd enjoy that city itself. They have some of the same entertainment there that they have here, but it's nothing close to the same scale, and it's a smaller/less populated town (which I don't like). Also, not having a car, it might be difficult for me to get around here.

3. The next program is in the city where I'm originally from, and the main benefit is that I'll be relatively close to my dad. My mother will also feel better about me at least having him nearby in case of an emergency and will worry if I'm anywhere else. (I'm also worried about not having anyone to call in an emergency, but less so in city #1 since it's an urban environment.) However, I didn't want to move back to my home state (quite a distance from here), plus, their program doesn't match my research interests well, nor do I see anyone there that I'm particularly interested in working with.

4. I can reapply to my alma mater. I LOVE this city, have family here, etc. They also do have a new professor that matches my research interest (the other was retiring). However, the negativity/embarrassment will make it a difficult environment, not to mention the constant reminder of my former professor's absence and our fallout etc. And this is just one situation I had there... BUT it's HERE.

I do, but it depends on what they did and the circumstances. She deliberately humiliated you and loved the attention. It's up to you whether or not you forgive her, but I agree with everyone here that she's not going to change (plus her apology sounds insincere). People like her grow up to be narcissists/shallow and only get worse over time.

I'm the same way, but I tend to "crush' on older women/authority figures rather than peers/friends. Yet I'm sexually attracted to men (ironically, usually either close to my age or younger than me). I always thought I was straight and never even recognized these "crushes" as romantic (just women I wanted a strong friendship/professional relationship with) until this last one which was quite intense. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you're not the only one with this type of sexuality. It's harder to label, as I don't think it fits neatly into any one category, so identify as whatever you feel comfortable with.

I think the difference depends on the depth and extent of your feelings. What lengths would you go to see/interact with them? How would you feel if you were to lose touch with them or if they weren't speaking to you? If you would go to extremes to see or interact with them or literally become depressed upon their absence in your life, then it's probably a crush. This is how I started questioning whether I'm bisexual.

Elementary School? An adult [thestickystickman] did something similar to me on Reddit a little while ago. (And this is a complete stranger.) He dug up months of deleted posts just for attention (which he got a lot of) and to embarrass/harass me. I'm over it, but I wanted to caution OP about people like that. (This story reminded me of my own experience with harassment.)

Sorry about your experience in elementary school, but hopefully our stories show OP that people like that don't change.

Personally, I think that was shitty of her. I know you said she apologized, but she clearly enjoyed the attention at your expense (which says a lot about her character). However, it's nothing to be embarrassed about. You'll have other crushes, and maybe things will work out better next time. (Once you do meet someone new, you'll quickly forget the embarrassment.)

First, whether or not you end up identifying as bisexual, since you've experienced some attraction to women , you're not 100% straight. (I think there's a gray area between straight and bi.) And even if you are and/or decide to identify as straight, I don't think it's disrespectful to be in a "queer space" since you were/are questioning your sexuality. (Just be honest about that.) I'm in a similar position (have only been in love with one woman and I'm in my late 30's) and have found this sub to be positive and supportive.

edit-grammar

I was planning on attending an event to see my LO, though not only am I afraid to go out in this epidemic (I'm self-quarantined) but I doubt my LO is going to be there either now. In my case, it's probably for the best, because they likely would have ignored me, and even though I thought I was prepared for that, it probably would have upset me more than I expected.

The fewer roommates you have, the better, especially since you never know who you'll get. They may be slobs, your personalities may clash, and you're not going to have much privacy with so many people. You can still be social without living with so many people. As enjoyable as friends' company may be (and again, you don't even know who they'll match you with), everyone needs their own space. Just my thoughts. (I lived on campus as an older student in a single room.)

I know how you're feeling, and I'm sorry you're experiencing this. Based on your description of him/the situation, however, I think sending the letter will make things worse for you. If you really think it will give you closure, then I guess it's okay. (I don't like to tell people what to do; it's 100% your decision.) However, it's unlikely that he'll respond or even care, and you'll feel more embarrassed for sending it afterward. As far as him telling/sharing it with your mutual friends/acquaintances, I can't say since I don't know him. However, the fact you even suspect he would do that is a red flag in his character.

As others are suggesting, you can always write the letter for catharsis but not send it to him. Again, it's your decision, but be careful. Feel better.

I'd explain the situation to your orthodontist, and they may allow you to make payments. There's really no way to sterilize something from being in the toilet.

In my case, it was realizing that my feelings for a particular woman (a female professor) were too intense to be purely platonic/professional admiration. And by "intense" I mean had a full mental breakdown upon learning she wouldn't be my graduate advisor/in my life, submitted a proposal to a conference just to have the chance to see her (it got accepted but I had to withdraw it ), would have attended the next conference to see her if not for the Coronavirus [I doubt she'll be there anyway now] and basically linked my entire self worth to her approval. When posting about all this on Reddit academic subs a few months ago, someone commented that they went through something similar with a female authority figure when they were young (I'm 37...) before realizing they were gay.

I admittedly hoped it was this professor who saw my posts (who's gay), but in reality in was probably either a random stranger sharing their experience or perhaps someone fucking with me. (So many alt. accounts were made just to respond to my posts.) In any case, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I was in love with her. Sadly, we had a pretty bad falling out, and she's no longer speaking to me, but I'll always credit her for making me aware of my bisexuality (or at least that I'm probably not 100% straight).

I guess you can say I had a "different experience."

I can relate to some of what you're feeling. I had fallout with someone nearly a year ago, and it's still affecting me. The fallout actually stemmed from the fact that I was never going to see them again. (I couldn't handle it, had a nervous breakdown, and lost my sense of judgment.)

Why don't you ask your friends to stay in touch? If they won't stay in touch with you, they're not worth agonizing over. I'm sorry you're experiencing this and hope you feel better.

I deleted my original comment because, on 2nd thought, it was a good idea that you corrected this. However, if she doesn't reply, you can always call, but I wouldn't mention the typo. Just say that you wanted to follow-up etc. Good luck!

Edit-she probably did realize it was an error

I actually think the follow-up email would have drawn more attention to the issue. She probably understood that it was a typo. You could try calling, but don't bring it up, just say that you haven't heard from her and wanted to follow-up.

Everyone has to find what works for them, but Xanax didn't agree with me. I didn't even feel particularly calm on it; I would describe the state as "emotionless" (with the exception of some mild depression). It also gave me heart palpitations. Ativan was similar, but at least I felt very calm on it (even while having palpitations, I was too calm to care lol). Valium, on the other hand, has been perfect.

It takes a bit longer to take effect (though works faster if you haven't eaten/eaten lightly), and has a longer 1/2 life (so stays in your system longer), but it produces a tranquil feeling without affecting the ability feel pleasure/positive emotions and has no side effects. It's best to only take it as needed to avoid building up a tolerance, but if taken properly, it's miraculous (at least it's been for me).

Again, this is just my experience.

Quite late at 18? I'm 37 and just recently started questioning my sexuality. In my case, I'm sexually attracted to men(so always thought I was straight), but realized that I may have been romantically attracted to some women. In 99% of the cases, there was nothing remotely sexual about my feelings. They're always older women and/or authority figures, so I thought I just wanted a close friendship or professional relationship with them. However, this last time I was outright in love (and didn't realize it right away but subsequently realized nobody would act as I did over a professional/platonic relationship).

Anyway hope things work out for you with this girl. Good luck!

I see what you're saying (and agree), though at the same time, depending on how one defines "bisexual," I think a lot of people can arguably be bisexual. Many assume that bisexual means equally attracted to both sexes, but what if someone is 95% or even 99% attracted to one sex and has had very few attractions (or even a single attraction) to the other? Some people even experience different types of attraction to each sex (i.e. being more sexually attracted to one and more romantically/emotionally attracted to the other). I think if we consider all of these scenarios, many people are arguably bisexual.

I know this wasn't what you were conveying, but I wanted to point it out. (I'm not denying that a lot of people aren't just ignorant/bigoted, believing that the increase # of people identifying as bi are seeking attention rather than being more honest about their sexuality.)

There isn't clear criteria for limerence (it's not a medical condition), but it sounds like you're just physically attracted to this girl. Limerence is usually accompanied by an emotional attachment as well. If you say you "don't even like her," it's probably not limerence.

She's been called out, so maybe she won't post here anymore. If she does, just report is as spam.

It's embarrassing, but I don't think anything is likely to happen since you're a good student, haven't had any disciplinary problems etc. He probably does understand that it was a "fuck up" but legally has to check up on you (given the circumstances and that you weren't in class today). Since you're 18, I'm assuming this is your senior year, so think of it this way: you'll never see or hear from him again after this year is over.

If it makes you feel any better, my entire department and administration/legal counsel (and all the staff in their offices) at my university know I was in love with one of my professors and were following the whole saga on Reddit. It would probably be less awkward if they "only" saw nude pictures of me (well, as long as such pics weren't going to the professor lol). Luckily, I've already graduated, but this screwed up my graduate school plans.

You'll at least get to live this down and move on after graduation without it affecting your future. Good luck!

i dont want to make her the bad guy.

This doesn't make her a bad person, but you have to consider that even if you were in a relationship with her, she might cheat on you too (maybe at some point she'd feel like you "don't do it for her").

It's not a matter of her being "the bad guy," but this is a sign that she wasn't who you thought she was/wanted her to be. You could choose not to judge her and to stay friends with her (maybe she'd even cheat with you) but you should ask yourself whether you'd want to be in a committed relationship with her now. How would you feel if cheated on you?

Cognitive dissonance is common in limerence. Every time I've learned of a potential flaw in my LO's character I've overlooked it, dismissed it, and sometimes have even come to admire their mistakes. However, sometimes people aren't who we think they are.

I hope you feel better.

I also noticed that she takes key words and stories from this page. For example, I've mentioned being limerent for female authority figures despite being otherwise heterosexual, and she "coincidentally" has the very same story. (When I tried to have a discussion with her about it, she never replied; she only wants you to pay for her site.) Even in her response below, she uses words that people post here to describe their limerence such "agony" "depression" and "emotional roller coaster" etc.

I don't like to report people for "spam" just for repetition, as I have OCD and understand not being able to stop thinking about something/someone, but I think it's pretty clear at this point that she's a spammer. Everyone agree?

I think if you were being honest with yourself you'd admit that the reason you so adamantly wanted to apologize to her was simply to have continued contact with a woman you are very clearly obsessed with.

I can't say that I didn't want continued contact with her, but that wasn't why I wanted to apologize. Besides genuinely feeling guilty for filing the grievance, I wanted her to understand how my mental health affected both my actions and the quality of my paper. I obviously couldn't mention questioning my sexuality over her, but I wanted to tell her, in the most professional way possible, that it I couldn't handle the though of her being upset with me. Perhaps all of this would have just sounded like excuses, and there really is no excuse what for I did, but I think a mentally ill student (questioning their sexuality for the first time yet) overreacting because they're overwhelmed by their feelings is more forgivable than one who maliciously files a frivolous grievance out of malice or spite. (I worried that she perceived me as the latter.)

As far as her not reciprocating my feelings, I guess this what's at the heart of all of this. Professors do sometimes develop (and act on) attractions for students. My worst fear in all of this is that is that she lost any regard for me after that paper. It was bad, and at the time she didn't know about my depression (related to her retirement) so from her perspective I was either careless or an awful writer/researcher (or both). And even if she knew/understood about the depression, the paper was what it was. This wasn't a Ph.D. dissertation; it was a 25 page paper, and I couldn't even manage that. (I once wrote a 38 page paper over spring break and got an A on it, so I know the problem was my motivation/concentration.)

She likely *does* know how you felt/feel (if she didn't realize it on her own, someone probably pointed it out), and is likely (and understandably) horrified.

I don't think there was any way for her to pick up on this. As candid as I've been on Reddit, I never expressed any of this to her in real life. I did devote some of my statement of purpose to her, but it was all related to her professional work, and I did mention my own projects and tried to make it sound "normal" instead of a hagiography of her. At most, I appeared to professionally admire her (which I sincerely did as well). Based on her email exchanges with the chair, she was blindsided by the complaint. No one was even aware of my anxiety disorder at the time. (I didn't have accommodations for it etc.) So from her perspective, I may have been a disgruntled student who maliciously filed a grievance and then only tried to apologize to get a lor. (That was only a professional pretense for the letter, plus the dean said everything was okay.)

At the same time, I sometimes think the nature of my complaint and then the desperate attempt to reverse it screamed "romantic attraction" and have considered that that's why they wouldn't let me apologize or why she didn't want to accept it. Otherwise, is it really that big of a deal for a student to apologize to their professor(even for a grievance)?

Again, I keep vacillating between thinking she didn't care due to lack of empathy to thinking she didn't want to encourage a romantic interest (thinking that accepting an apology might be interpreted as a sign of reciprocation). Also, while I understand her not being romantically interested, I at least wanted her to regard me as a (former) student and have some sympathy for my situation (not having the person I admired most as my advisor, depression, anxiety, and being confused over my sexuality).

I completely understand her not wanting contact with me after this, though I wanted the chance to explain everything (I guess to the extent that I could in a professional context). In any case, as embarrassing as all this has been for me, I hope she does at least understand, even if she can't/won't express it.

If your grandmother explains the situation to the homeowner's association/management, they may grant you permission for an "extended visit."

Although my situation wasn't as serious, I too experienced housing insecurity during my undergraduate education. I made the best of it by staying at hotels and having one hell of a "vacation" until things worked out for me. Despite the circumstances, it was the best time of my life, and probably a once in a lifetime experience.

If something like that isn't an option and there's absolutely no one else you can stay with, then I would explain your situation to the school. I hope this all works out for you.

Does anybody else in here feel the way I do?

Yes, but I don't believe this has to be "life." Have you considered graduate studies. You should sincerely have an interest in your field, as it's not something to do just to avoid "the real world," but if there's something you're passionate about researching, then you might want to apply to master's or Ph.D. programs.

If not grad. school, I'd suggest some type of self-employment like insurance sales or real estate. I worked as an insurance agent before pursuing college, and while working on straight commission can be stressful, these jobs allow for the autonomy that you don't typically get in an "average" job, and (theoretically) they have high earning potential. If grad. school doesn't work out for me, I think my "plan B," is to get an insurance license in this state and try that path again. It was difficult during the recession, but it allowed me complete autonomy.

Anyway, good luck with whatever path you choose.

Aspirin causes blood thinning, and you could be internally bleeding or hemorrhage from the slightest cut or bump at the dose you ingested. Even if you are involuntary committed, they can't force you to take any medications while you're there and can only keep you for a couple of days. Please go to the ER for medical treatment.

I can't give you an exact figure, but I think most people are bisexual to some degree. The more I read about the history of sexuality, and also based on my own experiences, I think most people have had at least 1 physical and/or emotional attraction to the gender they're not normally attracted to. (Sexuality actually exists across a spectrum.)

I also don't think it's always a matter of being in denial, but not everyone is aware of their feelings. For example, I'm in my late 30's and always felt straight/am sexually attracted to men, but there was one woman (a professor no less...) that I was in love with. I didn't recognize it as romantic attraction (she's 30 years older than me) and thought I just admired her professionally, but I later realized that I felt too intensely for it to be purely platonic/professional admiration. Just a few examples of my behavior: I fell into a depression when learning she was retiring/wouldn't be in my life, I submitted a proposal to a conference just to see her (had to withdraw it), and my self-esteem was basically tied to her perception (or my perception of her perception) of me. I realized that that doesn't happen with a platonic/professional relationship.

Significantly, she's openly gay and (if hypothetically given the chance), I would have been open to sexual experimentation with her. However, I don't know if I just admired/wanted to be like her, or if I just didn't recognize that I was bisexual. Whatever this was, I don't think I can say I'm 100% straight now, but I don't know if falling in love with one person of the same sex (or opposite sex if the person is otherwise gay) counts as being bi--no matter how strong the feelings.

Anyway, to get back to your original question, again, I think almost everyone has had some type of attraction (whether sexual, romantic, or both) to the gender they're not normally attracted to. If I had to guess a number, I'll go with 80%.

First, your parents (probably) chose to only have one child. So if it was that important to them to "carry on their name/genes," they would have had more children to ensure the odds. Even if you were 100% straight, you or your partner could have had fertility issues, for example. That's a chance they took having only one child (not having grandchildren), though being an only (childless) child, myself I can relate you how you feel.

However, being in a long-term same-sex relationship doesn't mean you can't have children. You can adopt, but as someone else mentioned, you can also find a surrogate if you want a biological child. Also you're parents might be more understanding than you think. Give them a chance :)

Do you have any hobbies or creative outlets? Start with activities that you enjoy rather than just trying to stop thinking about her. If you absolutely can't stop thinking about your LO, you can channel those thoughts/feelings into an artistic project. For me it's writing, though for you it may be something else (i.e. drawing, painting, creating/playing music etc.) Just some suggestions. Gook luck :)

Although I had a late start on college (37 F, graduated just over a year ago), I was generally a good student (3.93 cumulative GPA), and my undergraduate education was relatively uneventful--until the end. The turning point for me...was learning of my professor's upcoming retirement during my last undergrad. semester. Although I liked most of my professors, there was one that I particularly admired, and I essentially had a nervous breakdown when learning she would no longer be in my life. (I fell into a full-blown depression.)

Long story short (as I think most of Reddit knows), I reported her to the department chair over essentially nothing because my anxiety was out of control, and honestly, my feelings for her were overwhelmingly intense. (To the point that I've questioned my sexuality.) I'm not excusing my actions bu wanted to provide some context. For anyone interested in the full story: https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/ffr8bj/tifu_by_filing_a_grievance_against_my_professor/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x (It's too long to retype the whole thing.)

As I mentioned in the previous post (linked above), I desperately tried to have the grievance reversed(which I do not regret). However, in the process I became "that student." I'm not exaggerating when I say the entire department, administration (including the dean, associate dean, provost, president, and all staff in their offices), General Counsel's office, and Student Affairs knows about the situation. They had to since I wanted the grievance reversed/dismissed, but they weren't taking me seriously and some of them were condescending. I guess they knew/sensed how much I admired her and that she didn't want to speak to me after that (or was legally advised against it), but I'm still disgusted over how everyone handled this.

And it gets better. I learned in real life that at least some of the aforementioned people have seen my Reddit posts. (I was posting about this frequently in academic subs, got harassed, and the situation went viral/plus someone may have sent my posts directly to the university.) In some ways I'm glad because I hope this professor knows how I felt about her and hope she can understand and forgive me. (I sometimes think everyone EXCEPT her knows.) However, I also shared rather personal posts. Nothing was explicit/NSFW but they were personal thoughts nonetheless (not just relating to this). I'm sure, for example, that many students struggle with mental health issues, maybe feel "infatuated" or attracted to a professor and/or question their sexuality, but their deepest thoughts/feelings aren't typically known to the entire university staff/admin.

The dilemma is that this is the only university in my city, and I don't want to move for grad. school. (I love it here too much bc, all this aside, it's a fantastic/exciting/beautiful city.) Besides being disgusted with the way admin. handled this (and with myself for writing to the chair to begin with). Sometimes I think the joy of being in grad. school and in this city will make up for any negativity, yet at other times I worry that I'd be too distracted by all of this to concentrate on my studies. Also, as I've said, even had this professor and I had parted on the best of terms, dealing with her absence still would have been difficult. (That's actually the least of it at this point.)

Since I don't want to relocate, the other choice is to try to settle for a job that I could get with a just a bachelor's degree (liberal arts major), and there's absolutely nothing that excites me in the "9-5" world. I've thought about going back into insurance sales, and that's probably what I'll end up doing, but I don't have a car right now (necessary for that type of job). I've also considered teaching high school history because at least I'll still be involved with the subject/field, but it's too low paying and not the same as being able to conduct independent research. Plus I wanted to attend graduate school for its own sake--no matter what I ended up doing afterward.

So I worry that my future is ruined all over an email miscommunication with a professor....

* I don't care about the university seeing my account anymore.

As someone who grossly overreacted to my LO's "tone," I suggest trying not react impulsively. If it's a written communication, you can set it aside and re-read it at a later hour or day. Time can give us perspective. For example, the acerbity that I saw in my LO's last email no longer exists in retrospect. You can also show the text to an objective party (i.e. friend or relative) and get their opinion of the "tone."

In-person communication can be harder because everything happens instantly, and we have to rely on our memory of their "tone." Obviously yelling or verbal abuse shouldn't be tolerated, but if it's a very subtle fluctuation, try to consider their overall temperament and the context of the situation. Of course, if you're constantly noticing this, you may be picking up on something, and perhaps that person isn't who you thought they were. So we have to balance trying not to overreact with making sure we're not missing actual red flags in their personality.

Hope this was helpful. Good luck.

Not that anyone's worth killing yourself over, but especially don't kill yourself over a stranger. It wouldn't accomplish anything, nor cause them to "care," because they're not emotionally invested in you to begin with. This isn't a reflection of you, but it's their job to keep a professional distance from their clients. However, if you're leaving sessions feeling suicidal, they're obviously doing a lot wrong, and you should file a report with your state licensing board. If anything, that will get them to "care." (Because they [probably] do care about their livelihood/license to practice.)

I'm a day late to this thread, but I hope everything's okay. Best wishes :)

I'm sorry things didn't work out for the two of you. I'm also experiencing limerence for someone of the same-sex, a female professor in my case...We all have set backs; try to focus on the progress you've made. Good luck, and I hope things improve for you.

Dangerous Woman actually sounds like the perfect theme song here ;)

They didn't know about my anxiety disorder before this. I never requested accommodations for it (didn't realize how much it could impact me academically until that paper), so it wasn't on my record. Even when I first wrote to the chair, I didn't mention a specific disorder; I just said that her "tone" caused me to experience severe anxiety. It gets better...I requested that the department pay for counseling sessions and/or my doctor visit to get my medication.

I didn't mention the diagnosis until after I wanted to dismiss the grievance, and even then I fucked up because I didn't do this right away. I wanted to get a better idea of the situation, so I requested to see the documents that the chair said existed. He ignored that email and it took two months for me to finally see "everything," which was nothing more than a couple of email exchanges between the chair and the prof. (Most of their conversation occurred over the phone.) So I didn't start trying to have everything dismissed until months later...

With that said, I think you're probably right that it was treated as an "informal" rather than a "formal" complaint, but it was a complaint nonetheless and that's what I feel guilty about. She must resent me after I complained to her supervisor, regardless of whether or not it was taken seriously.

So if she cared enough about the situation to even want to know, she could have got the run-down then: either she already knows, or it was such a non-issue that she doesn't require an explanation.

The latter is a definite possibility. However, I later told everyone (the chair and admin.) that I wanted the opportunity to apologize and explain my anxiety disorder to her/work things out, but they wouldn't do this and kept saying that they can't force her to respond to me. (But they did when they requested she reply to the unanswered email.) Personally, I think that's rather callous of them. They had a (former) student who was clearly distressed over this, but they couldn't ask the professor to talk with me for a few minutes to apologize/work out our misunderstandings. (The chair also [sort of] knew how much I admired her.)

The alternative is that they did reach out to her, and she didn't care whether or not mental health issues were involved. She either resented me or didn't care enough to want to spend any time on this, knowing how much I was suffering. I'm not excusing my behavior by any means. As I said, I fucked up (majorly). I don't know what to think because no one communicated with me. In any case, I'm glad to know she probably didn't suffer.

edit-grammar/typo

I was once in a similar situation (not with current LO). Like with this guy, they guy I dated met someone else and seemed to have the "perfect" relationship with her that I wanted with him. (I created a fake account to follow him after he blocked me.) The got engaged after just a few weeks of dating and married about 2 months later. Well, their marriage didn't last long, and his status seemed to change from the types of posts you're describing with your LO and his g.f. to "single" literally overnight. (And, she's the one who filed for the divorce, as I saw in the county records.)

So despite appearances, you don't know how long this relationship's is going to last. Given how he ghosted you, he seems shallow, and a relationship with him may not have been what you imagined. (

This actually happened almost a year ago, but I can't stop thinking about it or forgive myself. There was one professor I had during my undergraduate education that I admired both personally and professionally. We seemed to have a good rapport, and I wanted her to be my graduate advisor. However, she had to decline due to being in the process of retirement, and that's when everything went downhill for me.

Upon learning she was retiring (and living out of state), I fell into a full-blown depression and had difficulty concentrating on a research paper in her graduate-level class (that I was taking as an undergrad). Having a late start on the paper due to spending about 1/2 the semester moving every few days didn't help (she knew about that situation), but I think I still could have managed to write a good paper had I not been depressed. Anyway, the paper was sloppy, and while I received an A- on it, I worried that she doubted my ability to handle graduate school afterward. Nonetheless, after the semester ended, I emailed her asking if I could "contact her in the future for a letter of recommendation to graduate school." She replied that I could "contact her in the future re: grad school applications," but I thought this might have been a polite way of declining. (She seemed much more enthusiastic about letting me into her graduate level course.) Because I admired her so much, my anxiety skyrocketed at this point, and I decided to submit a proposal to a conference she was attending to show her that I could produce quality work. (Admittedly, I also wanted the opportunity to see her.)

I wasn't trained in this particular area, but somehow my proposal was accepted, and I contacted her asking for help finding volunteers to interview. (She was pres. of the organization, and the project involved interviewing college students.) Although she responded promptly, at the time, I perceived the reply as curt, which further escalated my anxiety. So a few days later, I wrote her again, offering to withdraw the proposal, but still asked if she could guide me on the project, explaining that I wanted to demonstrate that I could produce better work when not under stress. She typically responded to emails within 24 hrs., thus when I didn't hear from her after one day, I wrote a letter to the department chair complaining not only about her lack of reply but the "tone" of her last email and a couple of other times where I perceived fleeting changes in her tone/mood. Additionally, I mentioned my anxiety disorder being affected by these communications, and the chair reported the situation to the dean and told the professor (their email communications on are my educational record) that I was accusing her of traumatizing me. (He also requested that she politely respond to the unanswered email, where she more politely declined to assist with the project, but we weren't given the opportunity to work things out.)

I later went to the dean to explain that I overreacted, and she assured me that the professor was not upset with me and seemed inclined to write a letter of recommendation. Hence, I emailed her to apologize but included a lor request (which probably rendered it insincere). Even without the letter of recommendation request, however, it was awkwardly worded, and I didn't sufficiently explain how my anxiety disorder affected my actions. (I focused more on the paper, but it probably looked like I was trying to excuse poor work.) She again didn't respond, which led to another anxiety episode. I then called the Disability Resource Center and Student Affairs, hoping someone could explain my anxiety disorder to her, but the dean told them all to ignore me and to forward/inform her of any further such requests from me (all while maintaining that the professor "had no ill will toward me" and wasn't upset over this). I then went to higher levels of administration as well as human resources to try and have the grievance dismissed but was told that "The case was closed." (I was assured that she didn't suffer from this and that it's not on her record, but I don't know if they're being truthful.)

Even if she wasn't disciplined, and even if there's no record of it (which I find hard to believe), I still filed a grievance against her and embarrassed her in front of her supervisors/colleagues. Although my anxiety disorder was out of control at the time (which wasn't her fault) and email was our only means of communication since she was living out state (not like I could have just gone to her office to talk to her), this was reprehensible. I don't know if she knows or cares how guilty I've felt, but for a year I've wanted to apologize. I fucked up.

TL;DR- I had a nervous breakdown upon learning of my professor's upcoming retirement, it affected my work, then I submitted a proposal to an academic conference in an area I had no training in to make up for it, asked my professor to assist with said project, and then freaked out and wrote the department chair over a perfectly professional email response.

[removed]

You're welcome:)

To find out if you're hypoglycemic, you have to get a 5 hour glucose tolerance test. They first take your blood sugar fasting for a baseline, and then you drink a can of glucola which contains 75 mg. of glucose. They then check your blood sugar ever hour, and if it the fasting level is normal but you drop below 70 at any point during the test, then you have reactive hypoglycemic. (Mine was down to 63 by the 4th hour, and they never took the 5th hour.) If your fasting blood sugar is low, it's may be more serious, but of course only your doctor can interpret the results.

Same, but in my case, the women I'm "romantically" into tend to be older ( often by around a decade or more) and/or authority figures. I've never been infatuated with a peer/friend.. It's more like a want a very close friendship and/or professional relationship with these women. This last time was more intense, and I would have been open to sexual experimentation with her [which would have crossed all kinds of professional boundaries], but she was gay and also someone I practically idolized.

Conversely, I'm usually attracted to men within a decade of my age and sometimes a bit young than me. In fact, while I'm always open to there being an exception at some point, the idea of dating a much older man feels a bit creepy, nor do I feel the same attraction to authority with men. (One possible exception to this, but it wasn't anything close to the emotional attachment I experienced the female authority figure I've mentioned.)

(For context I'm a female in my late 30's.)

I'm a masculine dude but I've noticed women seemed very turned off when they find out I've had sexual encounters with men.

I'm a (mostly) straight woman, and I would love if a man was comfortable enough to tell me this.

As far as my own sexuality, I'm in a similar predicament. There's actually only one woman that I can confidently say I was in love with, but my feelings were so intense that I don't know if I should identify as bisexual. I think when one identifies as bisexual, people assume you're equally attracted to and desire romantic relationships with both genders. Yet I don't think I can be 100% straight after this either. Plus, I agree that most people don't think it's "genuine" if you say you're straight but are occasionally attracted to or fall in love with the same sex. Also, even if I am straight or mostly straight, I don't want to deny the homosexual nature of my experience.

Sexuality is complex, and to me it sounds like you're between straight and bi, but there's really not a label for that. I can't tell you how to define your sexuality, but even if you identify as straight, I think it's important to acknowledge your gay experiences/feelings, as it further stigmatizes homosexuality if you don't. Also, there are plenty of women will want you for who you are. Good luck!

I've accepted that I don't accept uncertainty. If others want to accept uncertainty, good for them, but I'd rather have as much certainty in my life as possible.

This was a huge step. Congratulations!

I finished college in my 30's. It's never too late!

Is anyone else staying inside? I haven't gone out since the first case of coronavirus in my state. (I've stockpiled on food,water, and toiletries.) "Luckily" I'm not working or in school, so I can do this, but I was just curious as to whether anyone else is doing the same?

My situation is a bit different, but I can't relate to a lot of what your'e feeling. I don't know what to tell you because I haven't found the answer myself, but I'm sorry you're going through this and hope things improve for you.

I remember feeling the same (more angry than sad) when I saw an ex (not current LO) in a relationship on Facebook. (We weren't even friends; I created the page when he blocked me just to follow him.) It killed me to see how in love he was with her and how much better he treated her. Nonetheless, I couldn't look away. They got engage right away and he married her after about a couple of months of dating. HOWEVER, after just one year of marriage, she divorced him. (I looked this up in the county records, so I know she's the one that filed for divorced.) I can only hope he felt as hurt as I was by him, but regardless, I got to see him rejected.

I was actually surprised (in a good way) because he was always sharing pictures of them together on social media etc. (One of those couples who had to "show the world" how in love they were etc.) So even if your LO was on a date, you don't know that it's going to work out for them in the long run, nor can you really judge the quality of a relationship by social media. Anyway, I hope you feel better.

Has anyone's LO ever been an authority figure? As I mentioned in my last post, my current LO is a former female professor (twice my age). My situation's a bit different that most people's because, although I've questioned my sexuality over this, I wasn't pursuing a romantic relationship with her. I first wanted her to be my graduate advisor (had a nervous breakdown when learning she was retiring and couldn't/wouldn't be) and then just wanted to stay in touch with her as a friend/former student. We ended up having a pretty bad falling out, but the entire experience made me realize there's some key difference betweens "ordinary" limerence (i.e. for someone you can theoretically have a relationship/friendship with) and limerence for authority figures.

First, while it's always painful to be rejected by a LO, the drama and repercussions are on another level when your LO is an authority figure. In my case, my entire dept. and administration/legal counsel at my university are not only aware of my feelings (I never mentioned them but situation went viral when I was harassed on Reddit a while back), but so much negativity came from this, that it might have hurt my academic future. Long story short: I got upset and filed a grievance against LO, then tried to have it rescinded and in the process filed another grievance against the dept. chair, and my situation is known throughout the entire university (among faculty/admin.) So now I'm in the position of not wanting to relocate for grad. school but feeling that the environment will be too negative at my alma mater (if they'll even accept me). I can imagine a similar situation happening if someone's LO is a workplace supervisor. The bureaucracy of a school or workplace never mix well with limerence.

Also, typically school or work could be a distraction for dealing with unrequited limerence or a breakup/fallout with LO. However, when your LO is a professor or supervisor, and things don't work out (whether it's romantic rejection, or in my case, learning LO would not be in my life), your work/livelihood suffers. For example, when I learned that my professor was retiring, I fell into a depression that affected the quality of a research paper. I ended up with an A- on it, but we both knew it was lousy work (at least I did and worried that she felt the same way), and nothing devastated me more than the thought of her thinking I was incapable of graduate school. (Her opinion of me was most important.) So it's not a good idea for you LO to be in a position to evaluate you. The evaluative nature of the relationship (whether an instructor or boss) also, I think, makes their rejection more painful. You never know if part or even all of the reason for it has to do with them being unimpressed with your ability (again, whether it's a school or work situation).

Next, the topic of disclosure frequently appears on this sub, as many struggle with whether to confess their feelings to their LO. However, this isn't an option when you're LO is an authority figure. I made a few awkward attempts while trying to stay within professional boundaries, but it always ended up looking insincere (i.e. I told my professor I was "inspired by her work" without providing much elaboration.) My limerence was also the reason behind our fallout, as it caused me to overreact some of her communications. Although I did attempt to apologize in writing, the wording was awkward and again probably looked insincere. And that's an obstacle regardless of who the LO/authority figure is. Attempts to get closer to them are typically done with a professional pretense, and this can look insincere. Not to mention that even if they do reciprocate your feelings, there are professional boundaries in place, and the uncertainty can prolong limerence/give us false hope. For example, I often tell myself that my professor couldn't have asked me to stay in touch because it would be crossing professional boundaries, but I now realize that nothing was prohibiting her from doing so. We're both adults, I was no longer in her class, plus she was semi-retired. So, a friendly "please feel free to stay in touch" or something along those lines would have been perfectly permissible. Thus, I have to face the possibility that she was either unimpressed with my work or just didn't see me as significant to want to stay in touch with.

Finally, people are typically sympathetic when someone's going through a break-up or perhaps even unrequited love in a "normal" situation, but when you tell people that your LO is a professor or supervisor (I haven't in real life), it's perceived as either childish or crazy (maybe both). I was even relentlessly harassed over this online. With that said, this sub has been very supportive, and it helps to "meet" like-minded people.

Anyway, I just wanted to share some of my experiences. Can anyone relate? Discuss.

"The first was the fact that I developed abnormally tight relationships with some of my guy friends. I'll spare the mushy details, but it was one step off being romantic."

I'm a woman and experienced the same thing, only in my case they're always with older women and/or authority figures for some reason. It wasn't until recently that I questioned the possibility that this may have been romantic attraction (especially the last one). I'm starting to think this experience may be common in bisexuals and perhaps I'm not as straight as I thought.

Anyway, congratulations on your self-discovery and acceptance :)

Congrats :)

As previously stated, my LO is(?) my former professor. We had a pretty bad fallout, and I'm just going to link a previous post because it's too long of a story to retype. https://www.reddit.com/r/confession/comments/fe6g6j/i_filed_a_grievance_against_my_former_professor/ Anyway, I'm finally starting to face that she was unwilling to forgive me despite my remorse, efforts to get the grievance dismissed, and anxiety disorder (unless she was advised not contact me but I'll never know). However, given her now upcoming retirement, she probably wasn't going to have stayed in touch with me even if we had parted on the best of terms. She taught me for a very short period (one class was graduate level but I was an undergrad), and most people wouldn't give their personal email or phone number to someone they hardly know. (Unless she has emeritus status, she may not have or check her university email upon retirement.) And even if she would have agreed to stay in touch, it probably would have meant brief life updates every few years, not regularly staying in touch or visiting each other. Most likely though, had none of this happened and I asked her to stay in touch with her, she would have ignored that message--and I would have been devastated and may have written to the chair. There wasn't a good way for this to end.

For nearly a year, I have wanted nothing more than to apologize to her and have her understand why everything happened the way it did--and almost went to desperate lengths to do so. However, it hit me that she doesn't want to understand and probably wasn't who I thought she was. Thus, while I still think about her everyday, it's mostly rumination now instead of hoping to reconcile, and I sadly think much of my regard for her has diminished over this. I mean, even if we were back in contact, there would be the looming threat that she would stop speaking to me at the next "misstep," and I'm not the type to let anyone (even her) do that to me. Nor would it help my anxiety.

With all this said, however, it would still be difficult to be at that university working with another advisor because the memory of her/this would be painful, as is the the thought of never seeing her again. So does it sound like I'm still limerent? I guess I'm experiences all the "lows" of limerence without the highs.

I was actually going to make a post about limerence for authority figures. (My LO is my former professor.) However, it sounds like your boss might actually reciprocate your feelings.

I don't think it's the same thing. As a straight(?) woman, I have no problem with a male partner or spouse having sex with other men because it's a matter of wanting a different experience rather than someone being more attractive etc. than me. (I'd just want them using protection.) Conversely, while I wasn't in a relationship when the one woman I loved was in my life, if given the opportunity, I totally would have "cheated" on a partner to sexually experiment with her (probably wouldn't have been a realistic option anyway, but hypothetically).

I'm not the OP of this post, but some people follow me around to different subs to harass me, so I'm wondering if it was one of them. Even if it wasn't, it's good to see this sub has active mods that won't tolerate harassment.

I understand becoming obsessed with someone you barely know, the meltdowns over perceived rejection, overthinking/reading too much into online communications etc. However, you had what seemed like a good date/meet-up, and if his feelings were as intense as he claims, he would have made plans to see you again or at least contacted you right away. To me it sounds like he's either being manipulative, seeing someone else, or is just highly unstable.

Every since my state had its first confirmed Covid-19 case, I haven't gone out of the house. (We're stockpiled on food and water.) I guess I'm "lucky" to be unemployed and out of school at this time, and I'm putting those plans on hold as well until this calms down. I know they say it's a minor illness for healthy people, but I don't know...it's spreading pretty quickly, and I'm worried this could end up like the flu pandemic in 1918. Has anyone else self-quarantined?

OCD doesn't cause physical tics. This may indeed be a symptoms of your medication or something neurological like Tourette syndrome. I'd talk to your Dr. about it before dismissing it as OCD.

You might be hypoglycemic. Does this usually happen either after going several hours without eating or after high carb/sugar intake? Low blood sugar (or too rapid of a drop in blood glucose levels) can produce anxiety, depression, and various emotional symptoms.

I'm having mixed feelings about my LO now (bc she wants nothing to do with me), but for me it was the combination of warmth/charm, intelligence, confidence, having similar political views, and (she was my professor) being enamored with her subject/course material. Also, even though she's 30 years older than me and not the gender I'm typically attracted to, I must say she's aesthetically attractive. I can't pin it down to one trait; it was the combination of everything.

There wasn't a single moment, but I began realizing that the feelings I had for a particular women ( a female professor 30 years my senior) were too strong to be purely professional/platonic admiration. I still don't know if I'm bisexual because I'm not typically attracted to women. In fact, I've never been attracted to or infatuated with a female peer (I'm in my late 30's), but my feelings for this woman were so intense that I've questioned my sexuality over it.

I wasn't expecting to work with her. I only wanted the chance to apologize (without asking for a lor or anything in return). The lor request was more of a professional pretense for the letter, but I wanted her to know that I was genuinely sorry and tried to have the grievance dismissed.

This actually happened almost a year ago, but I can't stop thinking about it or forgive myself. There was one professor I had during my undergraduate education that I admired both personally and professionally. We seemed to have a good rapport, and I wanted her to be my graduate advisor. However, she had to decline due to being in the process of retirement, and that's when everything went downhill for me.

Upon learning she was retiring (and living out of state), I fell into a full-blown depression and had difficulty concentrating on a research paper in her graduate-level class (that I was taking as an undergrad.) Having a late start on the paper due to spending about 1/2 the semester moving every few days didn't help (and she knew about that situation), but I think I still could have managed to write a good paper had I not been depressed. Anyway, the paper was sloppy, and while I received an A- on it, I worried that she doubted my ability to handle graduate school afterward. Nonetheless, after the semester ended, I emailed her asking if I could "contact her in the future for a letter of recommendation to graduate school." She replied that I could "contact her in the future re: grad school applications," but I thought this might have been a polite way of declining. (She was much more enthusiastic about letting me into her graduate level course.) Because I admired her so much, my anxiety skyrocketed at this point, and I decided to submit a proposal to a conference she was attending to show her that I could produce excellent work (admittedly, I also wanted the opportunity to see her).

I didn't even have a background in this research method, but somehow my proposal was accepted, and I contacted her asking for help finding volunteers to interview. (She was pres. of the organization, and the project involved interviewing college students.) Although she responded promptly, at the time, I perceived the reply as curt, which further escalated my anxiety. So, a few days later, I wrote her again offering to withdraw the proposal, but still asked if she could guide me on the project, explaining that I wanted to demonstrate that I could produce better when not under stress. She typically responded to emails within 24 hrs., so when I didn't hear from her after one day, I wrote a letter to the department chair complaining about not only her lack of reply but the "tone" of her last email and a couple of other times (both in person and in email) where I perceived fleeting fluctuations in her tone/mood. Additionally, I mentioned my anxiety disorder being affected by these communications, and the chair reported the situation to the dean and told the professor (their email communications on are my educational record) that I was accusing her of traumatizing me. (He also requested that she politely respond to the unanswered email, where she more politely declined to assist with the project.)

I later went to the Dean to explain that I overreacted and she assured me that the professor was not upset with me and seemed inclined to write a letter of recommendation, so I emailed her to apologize, but included a lor request (which probably rendered it insincere). Even without the letter of recommendation request, it was awkwardly worded and I didn't sufficiently explain how my anxiety disorder affected my actions (I focused more on the paper, but it probably looked like I was trying to excuse poor work.) She again didn't respond, which led to another anxiety episode. I then called the disability resource center, Student Affairs, and just about every office on campus hoping someone could explain my anxiety disorder to her, but the dean told them all to ignore me and to forward/inform her of any further such requests from me (all while maintaining that the professor "had no ill will toward me" and wasn't upset over this). I then went to higher levels of administration as well as human resources to try and have the grievance dismissed but was told that "the case was closed." (I was assured that she didn't suffer from this and that it's not on her record, but I don't know if they're being truthful.)

Even if the professor wasn't disciplined over this, and even if there's no record of it (which I find hard to believe), I still filed a grievance against her and embarrassed her in front of her supervisors. I want to believe that maybe she does forgive me but was legally counseled against further contact with me, but the simpler and more plausible explanation is that she didn't want to accept my apology and requested not to have contact with me. (It's frustrating that the school won't at least tell me that, but I guess they legally can't.) I've been a wreck over this and just wanted to "confess." Civil feedback/thoughts/insights are welcome.

Good luck!

This.

Well said!

I can relate in a sense. In my case, I thought I would have a career in academia. I was generally a strong student during my undergrad. years, but I experienced a lot of drama and negativity at my university (and don't want to move to another city because I love it here). However, like you, I also can't see myself in a 9-5 job. (I also find them depressing, and the few I've had haven't worked or or lasted long because my personality's unsuited for it.) So I'm also feeling "stuck" right now.

Don't give up on your singing, if that's what you want to do. Where there's a will, there's a way.

Thank you!

I'm always editing/rewording and eventually deleting comments. I think it is related to OCD, but there's nothing wrong with being OCD.

I think I commented on your post the other day about how we have similar limerent patterns (i.e. being heterosexual females who develop limerence for older women/authority figures). In my case, I'm actually not jealous of my LO's spouse, friends, or family. However, she was my former professor and I'm quite jealous of her students--especially those that she mentored as graduate students. They received her time and attention in a way that I wanted and spent more time with her than I did. (She was semi-retired when I had her, so I only got take a couple of courses with her.) One of her Ph.D. students even won a dissertation award and got to travel with her for the reception/ceremony.

I guess I have an anxious attachment style, but (in my case) I never felt abandoned growing up.

I don't think the definition of limerence has anything to do with the relationship status itself; it's more about having intense feelings for someone.

https://www.google.com/search?q=limerence+definition&rlz=1CAPPDO_enUS885&oq=limerence+definition+&aqs=chrome..69i57j0l7.5963j0j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

She’s probably been advised (either by her employer or her support system) to keep away. There might be legal implications to being in contact, and the appearance of anything can sometimes be enough of a risk when it comes to your job.

I've thought of this as well, though when I read the emails between her and the chair (on my educational record), he seemed to agree with her that she shouldn't apologize for causing distress. Most of their conversation occurred over the phone, so I don't know what was said, but in her email reply to him afterwards, she said, "I'm glad we had this conversation___. I'm stunned that she is accusing me of somehow causing harm." She then asked him to look over her reply (he requested that she reply to the unanswered email), and he said, "This is totally fair, ___. You can't apologize for distress when you didn't know there was distress!" I didn't want to face it, but based on these email exchanges, it seems like she's resentful and/or just didn't want to bother with this.

They've said that they can't force her to reply to my apology (but can force her to reply to the email...), though I wonder if they did reach out to her and she declined to communicate with me. With that said, there's probably more to this than I know about.

All you can do is send her apology and hope she receives it when she’s in the right place to receive it.

I can't even do this because I was sent (emailed actually) a cease and desist letter for trying so many times to have the complaint dismissed. All my calls and emails were being monitored and forwarded first to the dean and now to the general counsel's office, and I can now only communicate with the university through their general counsel's office. (This is all for wanting to apologize to my professor and have the grievance dismissed.)

Sometimes I think about contacting people outside the university (not her family or anything but professional acquaintances), but I don't know how closely the school's monitoring me or if she would call he police herself etc. I figure that someone who doesn't even want to take a minute or two out of their day to accept my apology isn't worth legal consequences over.

We’ve all had intrusive destructive thoughts and sometimes act on them. It’s part or how we learn about our own emotions.

Very true.

Anyway, thank you for the support.

I'm sorry to hear about your experience with your LO.

I never would have reported my professor for crossing any boundaries (not that she did). This was actually the opposite. I thought we had a good rapport, but when I emailed her asking her for assistance with a project I was working on for an academic conference, I perceived her reply as curt. That's not when I reported her to the chair, however. After the "curt" reply, I emailed her again, explaining that I would withdraw the proposal from the conference (I had no training in this area, and I mainly submitted it for the chance to see her) but still asked for her assistance with finding volunteers (I still wanted to complete the project even if I didn't present the research), she didn't reply (not that I gave her much time).

My first thought was that she was unimpressed with my work. When she first told me that she was retiring, I fell into a depression which affected the quality of my work. (She gave me an A- on my final paper but it was sloppy/horrible, and I worried about what she thought of me after that.) Anyway, I thought she was either mad at me or just didn't want to bother (after I wrote such a horrific paper), and I impulsively wrote to the chair. (Again, I tried relentlessly to have the the complaint reversed.)

Anyway, your comment was helpful. Thank you for the perspective.

My LO is a former professor, and I submitted a proposal (in an area I had no background in) to an academic conference I knew she would be attending just to see her. It actually got accepted, but I had to end up withdrawing it (long story).

As someone currently limerent myself, I can relate to how you feel. (My LO is a former professor, and it's a very different situation, so it wouldn't be a good idea in my case.) However, as a woman who was once someone else's LO (not an ex), I would be terrified if this guy called me out of nowhere and said he's obsessed with me. (I'd probably call the police.)

Since you did have a relationship with this woman, I think whether or not you should do this depends on how things ended. If it was amicably, then I think it's okay to call her, but I definitely wouldn't use the word "obsessed." If it wasn't an amicable break-up, however, I would advise against it, as it might frighten her/creep her out, and she could even get a no contact order on you.

Honestly, if I were her I'd want nothing to do with you after all that. I wouldn't want to be involved with someone who's behavior has proven to be very volatile.

I can understand that. When I was posting about this a while back on academic subs (before I was harassed off of them), a few people suggested that the very nature of my complaint screamed "infatuation," and as such, she/admin. doesn't want to encourage it. However, I think the simpler explanation is that she hates me for filing a grievance against her. Admin. probably knows that, but I guess they legally/ethically can't tell me that, so they've been downplaying the whole thing (still infuriates me though because I feel like everyone knows what's going on except me, plus some of them have been condescending). Also, even if I understand why she won't talk to me, it doesn't make it any easier.

I hope you can get some closure and your limerence for her goes away.

Thank you. It's difficult because she had such a positive influence on me, but I appreciate your comment.

My current(?) LO is my former professor (whom I only had for two semesters). I once posted about this a while back but deleted it, so I'll restate the background. We're both women (she's almost 31 years my senior), though I'm otherwise attracted to and have only had sexual/romantic relationships with men. Anyway, despite hardly knowing her, I was enamored with her both personally and professionally.

Long story short, our "relationship" soured when I reported her to the dept. chair for both ignoring one of my emails (when she didn't reply within 24 hrs. as she normally did) and for a couple of times where I perceived subtle fluctuations in her mood/tone. I basically accused her of exacerbating my anxiety disorder, and the chair reported her to the dean and they investigated the grievance. (Dept. chairs are supposed to meet with students before proceeding with a grievance, but he skipped this step.) I later wrote the prof. an apology letter, but because the dean had initially said that she wasn't upset with me, I couple the apology letter with a LOR request, which probably rendered it insincere. I had also gone to all levels of administration to have the grievance dismissed, explaining that my anxiety had been out of control, but everyone told me that "The case is closed." (I was assured that she was unharmed by the complaint and that it's not on her personnel file, though I don't know if they're being truthful.)

I'm often overwhelmed by guilt over this. Even if she wasn't disciplined, I essentially filed a grievance against her and embarrassed her in front of her supervisors, and I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for that. Yet I think this has also caused my limerence to fade (a little) because I'm starting to realize how ridiculous it is to invest so much energy in someone who's at best apathetic toward me and probably hates me. I've tried to understand her perspective, and honestly, I can't say I'd be thrilled with a student who filed a grievance against me either if the roles were reversed. However, she's the authority figure, and when a (former) student shows genuine remorse as I have and goes to such lengths to reverse the complaint, an empathetic person would accept their apology (especially when mental health issues are involved). Also, this was the first time I fell in love with a woman, and since she's openly gay (and came out during adulthood), I'd think she'd understand questioning one's sexuality, maybe being a bit overwhelmed by their feelings, etc. (not overwhelmed in a negative way, but having overwhelmingly intense feelings).

The problem is I don't know what to think because no one's communicated with me about this. It's possible that she/admin. did sense this was a romantic, or at least intense, attachment on my part and didn't want to encourage it. That's perfectly understandable. However, again, at other times I think she's the one that requested not to have contact with me out of resentment. Why else wouldn't the chair or dean explain the situation to her (my anxiety disorder) and tell her that I wanted to apologize? Maybe they did and she's the one that that declined. Anyway, my feelings change depending on how I view the situation, and it's been quite an emotional roller coaster.

I was going to ask for insight into the situation, but I guess the only one that knows what she's really thinking is her. Still, I welcome people's perspectives, as long as they're civil. (I've been harassed on other subs.) I may end up deleting this but just wanted to vent right now.

I compulsively delete/edit posts and comments.

It could have been an old number of his. It's probably not someone he knows, but even if it is, you could tell him that you were worried when you didn't hear from him. If you two have a good friendship, he would appreciate the concern.

I've been told I'm a terrible person, that I have no people skills, that I have thin skin...

I've had all this and much worse said/done to me on Reddit, so I understand how you feel. I ended up deleting all of my posts and stopped posting on here for a while because I was getting too stressed out from all the harassment. (In my case, I was upset over a fallout with a professor I admired.)

The anonymity combined with the fact that you can't block people (you can, but it's only one way, so they can still see/comment on your posts) creates the "perfect" environment for cyberbullying. Usually, as in my case, a bunch of people gang up on one person whose views or thoughts etc. are "different."

Most of these people are losers in real life who are seeking attention/validation (as often evident in their own posts), so don't let them upset you. Report all harassing posts to mods and/or Reddit admin, and if it's anything too outrageous, you can even try IC3.gov . Also, even though blocking is only one way, you can still block people and not have to see/deal with them. Often, they're deliberately trying to provoke a reaction.

I'm sorry that you've experienced this, and you're not the only one. Hope things improve for you.

Update: I think I'm going to follow up on meeting with this professor before making a decision.

It’s like the world has lost all color and I feel like I can’t breathe.

This is exactly what I experienced when learning my LO would not be in my life(not even someone I had a relationship with but a former professor). I fell into a complete depression, and as a result, my work towards the end of the semester turned out sloppy. (Not that I'm ever a great typist, but this had to be the sloppiest paper ever written.) We later had a fallout, which made things even worse for me, BUT the acute depression does pass.

What helps me is reading/writing (I recommend Sense and Sensibility for limerence) and going places I enjoy. Sometimes just getting out helps reset your mind. Hope things get better for you.

I am a heterosexual female whose LO's have always been older females.

Omg, same! I've even questioned whether this could be some form of bisexuality or homosexuality. While I've never felt sexually attracted to female anatomy or been infatuated with a women close to my age who wasn't an authority figure, I've always felt "drawn" to certain older women/authority figures. It's not in the same way I'm physically attracted to men, but my latest limerence was so strong that I subsequently realized this is probably the romantic love people experience with the gender they're attracted to (i.e. feeling euphoric around them/interacting with them, the constant anxiety etc.), and the depression/lows after it ends are how most feel after a break-up. Although I've been in love with men too, it's never been so selfless and unconditional as it was with this female professor, but I digress.

As far as this being related to childhood experiences/attachment style, I don't know. I had a good childhood growing up and never suffered any abuse or neglect etc., so I think this more related to being obsessive/OCD in general. However, I agree that limerence could be a learning experience. Personally, as agonizing as my fallout with my professor was for me (and she was retiring/living out of state anyway) ultimately, I'm okay. I'm out of the acutely depressed phase and have been more of less functional again, so I've learned that there's no one that you literally can't live without.

Anyway, thanks for sharing this post. Good luck!

It's 6 a.m., but I wanted to get this off my chest.

A while back, I was posting about a fallout I had with a former professor I admired. I think all of Reddit knows about the situation, but in case anyone missed it, I wrote to the dept. chair after I perceived some of her emails/communications as "curt." I'll never forgive myself for that, but I did everything I could to have the grievance dismissed afterwards.

Although I was assured that the professor (of course not speaking to me) was unaffected by the grievance, even if they're being truthful, it doesn't change the fact that IT WAS A GRIEVANCE, AND IT WAS INVESTIGATED. THIS PROFESSOR HAD A COMPLAINT FROM ME AGAINST HER, AND SHE'LL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR IT.

As difficult as it is for me, I think I'm starting to accept it. As much as I wanted to apologize, I guess it's not the type of situation that one can apologize for. However, believe it or not, she's not even why I'm posting this. It's because 1.) the initial conversation with the dean keeps playing in my mind, and I keep thinking about how condescending she was to me. She was pleasant when I first came into her office, though I was surprised when the first thing she asked was "What are your future plans?" (I thought I was there to discuss the grievance.) Not expecting this as the conversation opening, I asked whether she meant with the professor. I meant regarding the complaint, but she apparently thought I was asking about working with the professor and snapped "That door has closed!" Dr.___is retiring etc. I was too shy to correct her at the time, so I went along with the conversation, but this was incredibly condescending. Even if she hadn't been so abrupt, however, I'm a 37 year old woman, only 9 years younger than her, and she was speaking to me like a jr. high school student.

Next, during that same conversation, she specifically told me that the professor wasn't upset with me and seemed inclined to write me a letter of recommendation. So imagine how I felt when the professor didn't respond to my apology/lor request letter. (Oh yeah, most on Reddit do.)

Then there's their assistant general counsel who's said that there was no grievance, and that I "raised concerns" which they looked into. (At one point, she too said that the professor wasn't upset with me.) Writing to the department chair that your professor's tone exacerbated your anxiety isn't "raising concerns." IT'S A COMPLAINT.

I was reading about this topic (faculty/dept. complaints) on a higher education forum, and once a complaint is filed with the dept. (whether it's by a student or another faculty member), it's investigated. (This is why students/alumni are typically encouraged to communicate with the faculty member before proceeding; the chair never bothered meeting with me, however.) The professor MAY not have been disciplined, but a grievance is serious, and I'm not sure that I believe that there's no record of this. And even if there's not, the investigation can't be undone, nor can the fact that this was brought to her supervisors' attention. At a min., it puts them on alert.

I understand that it was my decision to write to the chair in first place and this wouldn't have ended well no matter what. However, the least the university could have done was honestly communicated with me about the situation instead of trying to convince me that this was no big deal and that I shouldn't interpret the professor's lack of communication as ill will.

I'm disgusted with so many people at that university and don't want to give them a cent. Yet this also means giving up my hopes of grad. school because this is the only university in this city, and I refuse to relocate. (University drama aside, I love this city and would be miserable anywhere else.) For those that will say I didn't have a chance at grad. school acceptance there anyway, another advisor was interested in my research topics and wanted to meet with me. She wasn't there when all this happened, and despite how painful my former professor's absence would be, I thought we might actually end up working well together (based on her email). However, I've experienced too much negativity there, so I don't know now. (Plus this school shouldn't receive another cent from me.)

I know many find my distress entertaining, but I have my reasons for posting this from this account. Anyway, I haven't slept and my blood sugar feels low, so I'm signing off.

Personally, I find it helpful to read about people with similar mindsets/feelings/experiences, but I'm not looking for a "magic cure." I haven't posted in a while because I was being harassed by too many people on Reddit, plus admin. from my university were/are(?) monitoring my activity (long story), but I miss this sub.

I can't tell you how to get over limerence, and I've realized that I don't want to get over mine (again, long story), but at least you're LO has positive feelings for you. My situation ended disastrously.

Anyway, I hope things work out for you. Good luck.

This is one of my favorite 80's songs and (sort of) describes a situation with my LO.

My LO is a former professor, and my attempts at expressing my admiration for her without crossing professional boundaries (or opening myself up to rejection), as well as my later apology for a grievance (long story), always came across as awkward and insincere (I feel). I know she'll never forgive me for the grievance, plus I hardly knew her, but this song captures my sentiment.

"Though I've tried before to tell her/Of the feelings I have for her in my heart/Every time that I come near her/I just lose my nerve/As I've done from the start/Every little thing she does is magic..."

*I'll probably end up deleting this, but enjoy it while it's up...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qi_RwTEKzEY

Symptoms are sometimes caused by your blood sugar dropping too rapidly, even if the actual number isn't low. However, the only way to know for sure is to have a glucose tolerance test.

You're probably right that no one would take me seriously if I doxxed Superfluous_Cowboy, but I doubt it's a coincidence that there's another Ph.D. student in his city with the exact research interests he's described and who fits other biographical details he's mentioned (i.e. age, etc.). I've even seen his picture because he's been in articles related to his research.

I also found out the the Geministop account is him. The comment that gave it away was when he asked me if this was sexual for me and said it reminded him of a mentally challenged student he once worked with who would repeatedly ask people to get him songs. No one here has mentioned working with special needs kids, but according to Superfluous_Cowboy's linkedin profile, he worked for Best Buddies in 2009. Plus he's the one that's insisting that I "stop," and follows me to different subs.

Additionally, as you've probably seen, the comment that led me to calling him out on r/venting wasn't the one he listed but where he followed me to an education sub to discredit me and tell others' not to respond. So, he's proven himself to be controlling and manipulative, and I can only surmise he's this way with others in his life.

Anyway, thank you for defending me against some of the bullying.

Great. Now my typos are going viral.

Thank you for your support against the bullies. I just wanted to clarify that the user didn't DM me pretending to be the professor. He/She DM'd me on New Year's Eve offering to reach out to the professor on my behalf. However, I messaged them back that I didn't think that was a good idea, since a random stranger from Reddit contacting would likely make things worse. (They were probably hoping that I would have agreed so they could have wrote me back telling me that the professor was in love with me.)

At a later date, they publicly posted that they knew my professor, who told them that she was indeed in love with me but didn't want problems with her SO. (I literally laughed as I typed that, but I guess they were hoping that I would email her a love letter in real life.) I'm obsessive but not delusional (at least not in the literal sense). However, it was a malicious act, so posted that it was no wonder that their family didn't want them at family holidays (something they posted about). (I also brought up the fact that they only washed their sheets once every 2 weeks [again, something they shared], but that was harmless compared to telling someone with acknowledged mental illness that someone they admire is in love with them.) Yet, most sided with that OP just like they do the stickstickman.

I didn't intend to post anymore because the harassment is too stressful to deal with, but I just wanted to clear this up. I'm sure once everyone see's this comment, they'll start again, because let's face it, they live for this.

typo: you're

I figured you come here. Nobody care about you. You need this attention because everyone hates you in real life. I hope you die.

THE STICKYSTICKMAN, FUCK OFF. ACTUALLY, DIE.

Edit- no one would even care if you died because nobody cares about you.

Please leave me alone. You're not a psychologist, and by following me onto all these threads, you're harassing me and encouraging this to continue. It doesn't matter bc I'm deleting my account.

If you actually were empathetic, you'd see that I'm one person being bullied by many. There's nothing I can say, and I realize I"m feeding the drama by typing this. There are millions of users on Reddit, but I"m being singled out for bullying.

YES. I"VE SNAPPED AFTER HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE HAVE HARASSED ME, INCLUDING YOU. GET A LIFE.

DROP DEAD

Fuck off loser. Nobody likes you in real life. Why haven't you had one relationship by your twenties? Why don't your roommates talk to you? HERE IS AN EXAMPLE OF WHAT A SOCIOPATH HE IS. HE HARASSES ME WITH THESE SNIDE COMMENTS ALL THE TIME!!!!! Everything you said in your posts about people not wanting to talk to you is true. I would hate myself also if I were you. Drop dead.

THAT WASN"T AN ACCURATE POST!!!!!! I HOPE THAT LOSER DIES!!!!!! I WOULD PROBABLY KILL HIM IF I KNEW HIM IN REAL LIFE BC I"M GETTING VERY SICK OF THIS!!!!!! DROP DEAD!!!! I KNOW I"M FEEDING THE DRAMA BY TYPING THIS BUT WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU EXPECT AFTER MONTHS OF BULLYING FROM FUCKING HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE!!!!! YOU BELIEVE A POST BC IT"S ON SUBREDDITDRAMA??!!!!! PEOPLE AT MY UNIVERSITY HAVE SEEN MY ACCOUNT!!!!

HE USED MY POSTS TO SUPPORT HIS NARRATIVE AND I"M SICK FROM ALL THE HARASSMENT. DELETING MY ACCOUNT WON"T HELP. PEOPLE KNOW ME IN REAL LIFE FROM THIS. NOT A SINGLE PERSON HAS BEEN BULLIED ON HERE (OR ANYWHERE) TO THE EXTENT I HAVE. I DON"T CARE IF I SOUND PSYCHOTIC OR UNSTABLE. I HOPE THE BULLIES DIE.

I WANT TO SUE REDDIT FOR ALLOWING THIS HARASSMENT. AND YOUR PART OF IT. DROP DEAD!!!!!

THIS IS MY LAST POST.

Most of these comments are a perfect example of why two way blocking is necessary. I've been harassed off of Reddit, but without more options for privacy, there'll be the next Reddit victim. I'm pretty resilient, and everyone bullying me can go fuck themselves (or just
fall off the face of the earth), but the next victim might not be as resilient. Having an option to block others from seeing your posts could prevent this type of situation from happening again.

I know I shouldn't respond to you, but this comment shows how manipulative you are. (I'll leave it to other to judge whether you're that way with others in real life.) Here's the comment: https://www.reddit.com/r/education/comments/et4pts/fallout_with_my_former_professor/ffflerx?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x

You follow me to other subs (claiming to be "sympathetic") and harass me all the time (sharing a post that was created to libel and bully me). You've literally instructed me not to post about the professor because you were tired of seeing it, which shows that you're controlling. (You think you can tell people what to post about.) If you're this controlling with a complete stranger (whose posts you can easily block or unfollow), then I can only imagine how controlling you are toward people in your real life.

I know I'm encouraging the harassment by responding because everyone's enjoying this. I've reported it all to Reddit admin. If you actually do have a girlfriend, then start paying more attention to her instead of my posts. What would you do if she posted something on social media that you didn't approve of. I could imagine your reaction.

For someone who thinks I'm a stalker, you sure follow me pretty closely. Maybe you should get some help? I mean, yeah, I was a little distressed about my professor, but this seems to be the highlight of you days.

I'm starting to doubt that this guy actually has a girlfriend (that he claims to live with) because if he did, he wouldn't care nor have time to follow and comment on all my posts. He literally said that he "stayed up a whole hour" (I'll let him link the comment) waiting for people to harass me on Subreddit Drama. Given the amount of time he spends on Reddit on my posts alone, they're not having too much sex, if she exists.

lol I deleted this, but if you want to share what a loser you are with everyone, fine. You may have some support by other sociopaths on Reddit because of your libelous story, but I'm sure nobody like you in real life. (You've said it yourself.)

I'd like to suggest making blocking people on Reddit two ways (like on Facebook). Currently, when you block someone, you can't see them, but they can still see and respond to your posts. This is problematic in a situation like mine where I've been harassed by numerous users (literally too many to count). This started on r/AskProfessors and similar academic subs where I was venting about being upset over a fallout with a professor. I've posted about the situation a lot, but I haven't broken the rules of any sub and am typically civil (though am starting lose patience with some). I even decided not to post on those subs anymore; however, several users continue to follow me to other subs and harass me. Sometimes their comments aren't even directed to me but to each other or others who respond. Some have even followed me onto a new account, including a user who libeled me on a very popular sub and continues to harass me. I can report individual comments, but even in the cases where mods delete them (rarely), the same users come back and harass me again.

I should be able to enjoy Reddit peacefully, yet I can't escape the harassment and bullying (even on another account). I'm also uncomfortable with so many people following my posts. While this is a public forum, they're following me to harass me, and my situation (quite distressing for me) has become a source of entertainment for them. Again, I'd like to suggest making "blocking" two ways so the people you don't want following you/interacting with you can't see your posts.

I figured everyone would defend him because they're just like him. It doesn't matter. The posts are up, and things he's ashamed of are public now, just like my posts are. I'll probably share it on a few more subs just as he continue sharing my posts.

I never sent these "unanswered emails." I haven't contacted this professor since any of this happened (I asked once for a lor, but that's hardly "repeatedly trying to get in touch.) I also didn't try to have the dean demoted, nor did I ever say that " I can make this up to the professor and be her friend." (I said I admired her and ideally wished we could have stayed in touch, though I never expected it.) It doesn't matter what I say, however. Everyone has made up their mind that his post must be true, because of course what a more credible source than Subredditdrama, and in the end I've suffered more from the harassment on Reddit than I have over the situation itself.

You won, by the way. I won't be posting anymore, but I am looking into legal action over this harassment.

Fuck off

It wasn't true, and the fact that you defend cyberbullying shows what a horrible person you are. I doubt you have any friends, and if you do, they must suck just like you. How well is your career going? Don't you have anything better to do than to harass me here all the time. I bet you're a real success.

A while back, a college student from Arizona who now lives in the U.K. (who goes by thestickystickman) created a libelous post where he portrayed me as stalking my professor over a three month period over her refusal to help with a project. That post went viral, hundreds of people have harassed me over it, yet the story wasn't true. I was upset about a fallout I had with a professor I admired and have been venting about it on Reddit. However, I haven't contacted her (yet alone stalked her) and most of the details were made up. At one point I deleted most of the comments (clearly written in a distressed state), but he went out of his way to retrieve months worth of post to support his false, libelous, and "dramatic" narrative.

I"m not the only one he bullies either. He also has a strange obsession with baby boomers, frequently responding to comments with "okay boomer." https://www.reddit.com/r/neoliberal/comments/eea0vf/peak_socialism/fbs7zgl?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x Just yesterday, in fact, when he disagreed with someone, he called their meme a "boomer meme." https://www.reddit.com/r/neoliberal/comments/etpngi/who_said_bernie_doesnt_have_a_working_plan/ffhscph?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x If you look through his post history, his posts are full of such comments. It seems to be some type of fixation...hope he doesn't start stalking anyone.

He's really quite a curmudgeon. It's no wonder he doesn't have friends and his roommates don't want to talk to him. https://www.reddit.com/r/Anxiety/comments/7fjyzm/dae_just_automatically_assume_that_nobody_likes/dqcz62v?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x He's even described himself as "terrible company." https://www.reddit.com/r/Anxiety/comments/7fjyzm/dae_just_automatically_assume_that_nobody_likes/dqcyork?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x Yet, at the same time, he also expresses a desire to "make connections." (Tip: Bullying isn't a good way to get others to like you.) He's also never been in a relationship and claims to be asexual. Asexuality is fine, but he's not actually asexual. He experiences arousal and masturbates, "just not to traditional porn." https://www.reddit.com/r/casualiama/comments/72l1qm/18_year_old_asexualaromantic_guy_ama/dnjehds?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x Instead, he seems to have a fetish for what he calls "nerd thighs." https://www.reddit.com/r/SubredditDrama/comments/ebod10/university_student_makes_a_dumb_decision/fb72gym?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x Apparently, he cycles through many accounts (and makes new accounts to harass me from all the time), but I think this his old account. https://www.reddit.com/r/copypasta/comments/9wsudq/nerd_thighs_this_keeps_getting_posted_on_another/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x (I realized I posted the link to his post, but I"m sure someone would have shared it anyway, and again, it isn't true.) Maybe I admired my professor a bit too much, but this guy's pretty weird. Oh, and for anyone who still may believe his post, he described himself as being "terrible at telling stories" (see anxiety link above)

Normally, someone with a life this pathetic wouldn't be interesting enough to post on a drama sub, but the irony here is pretty amusing. In his post (which I linked above), he made fun of me for wanting to go into academia despite 'being a wild germophobe" and "not handling stress well," etc. Ironically, he described anxiety as his "best talent." https://www.reddit.com/r/casualiama/comments/72l1qm/18_year_old_asexualaromantic_guy_ama/dnjuchb?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x He also wants to be linguistics professor despite being a "terrible speaker" and "not connecting to people." At least accommodations can be made for my OCD/germophobia, but how does he expect to teach a class when he's afraid to speak to anyone (and by his own admission is terrible at it)?!

If he reads this, I'm sure he'll argue that these are old posts. Putting aside the fact that he went through MONTHS of my DELETED posts just to bully me, nothing seems to have changed since he's made them. He spends practically all his time arguing with people online and harassing me to the point that he's worried about developing a deep vein thrombosis from sitting all day https://www.reddit.com/r/DemocratsforDiversity/comments/ers51w/dfd_discussion_thread_january_21_2020/ff7nmxy?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x . Yet, he's too lazy to walk 10 minutes to the gym. https://www.reddit.com/r/DemocratsforDiversity/comments/ers51w/dfd_discussion_thread_january_21_2020/ff6qwbh?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x He'd rather sit as his computer and follow my posts. I mean, why work out and improve your health when you can spend all your time following a stranger to see if they post about their professor lol. Oh, and he's quite the hypochondriac. https://www.reddit.com/r/DemocratsforDiversity/comments/ers51w/dfd_discussion_thread_january_21_2020/ff78eja?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x That's admittedly irrelevant, but again, it's pretty ironic coming from someone who publicly made fun of me for anxiety.

So this is the profile of a bully. When you suck at everything like he does (as he's acknowledged), have low self-esteem, and are the type of person no one pays attention to you, the only way get attention is to bully others so people notice you. His post appears to be his greatest achievement, and he's proud of it. https://www.reddit.com/r/DemocratsforDiversity/comments/enlhfk/dfd_discussion_thread_january_12_2020/fe4mooh?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x Is this the type of award that graduate school linguistics programs look for?

I do report comments, but there are too many to keep up with. And when I report them, they same people keep harassing me. I appreciate the links, however. Thank you.

True, but on Facebook, for example, if you block someone, even if you post on a public page, the people you block can't see your posts/account or interact with you anywhere. They can create other accounts there too, but I think it limits harassment to some degree, plus you can make your account private. They should have a similar setup here.

I'd like to suggest that blocking people on Reddit should be two ways (like on Facebook). Currently, when you block someone, you can't see them, but they can still still see and respond to your posts. This is problematic in a situation like mine where I've been harassed by numerous users. This started on r/AskProfessors and similar academic subs where I was venting about being upset over a fallout with a professor. Yes, I've posted about the situation a lot, but I haven't broken the rules of any sub and am typically civil (though am starting lose patience with some). I even decided not to post on those subs anymore. However, several users continue to follow me to other subs and harass me. Sometimes their comments aren't even directed to me but to each other or others who respond. Some have even followed me onto a new account, including a user who libeled me and continues to harass me. I can report individual comments, but even in the cases when mods/admin. deletes them (rarely), the same users come back and harass me again.

I should be able to enjoy Reddit peacefully, yet I can't escape the harassment and bullying (even on another account!). I'm also uncomfortable with so many people following my posts. While this is a public forum, they're following me to harass me, and my situation (quite distressing for me) has become a source of entertainment for them. Again, I'd like to suggest making "blocking" two ways so the people you don't want following you/interacting with you can't see your posts.

If OP "bluntly" confronts her, it will probably lead to an argument and possibly retaliation (i.e. becoming even messier). However, if the RA or someone higher up tells her that she has to be neater if she wants to continue living in the dorms, she'll have to comply. If she retaliated for being reported and started harassing OP, for example, then OP could report her for that and shed likely get kicked out.

OP has said that she has already tried politely talking to her, but it hasn't helped.

That would only cause drama and probably make the situation worse. I think it's best to get and RA or supervisor involved. If they talk to the roommate, she'll have to change (at least while living in the dorm).

Maybe the friend liked the name or liked OP enough to want to adopt that name. Nobody has a monopoly on their name. Even if this friend wasn't trans and wanted to give her own baby the same name as OP, she would have every right to do so.

YTA

Nothing she said was offensive, and you don't have a monopoly on the name. You should have been more supportive toward your friend.

Omg...this is why I paid extra for a single room when I lived on campus. Can you request a room change? If not, I'd try complaining to an RA. Unfortunately, there isn't a rule about keeping the rooms neat,but this is unreasonable. If the RA refuses to speak to them, then I would go the next level supervisor (or maybe speak directly with Student Affairs or whoever is in charge of housing at your university). You shouldn't have to live like this.

How is her mom an asshole for wanting her daughter to feel accepted for her sexuality? Had she excluded OP's sister from the trip, it would have looked like she needed time to process it or wasn't fully accepting.

YTA

Your mother was trying to show acceptance and help her feel included. Why not reschedule the dress shopping trip with your mom? While you wanted a day with your mom alone, think of how your sister would have felt being excluded from a trip/activities on the day she chose to come out.

NTA

Severs work hard for low wages. The few dollars extra are probably nothing to your dad but can make a difference for someone working at or below minimum wage.

Doesn't sound like limerence to me. Limerence is very intense and isn't just about wanting to copy someone. Rather, you feel that you need them in your life and can't function without them. I became limerent for a professor, for example, and despite being intent on pursuing graduate studies, I think it will be too painful have anyone else as my advisor.

Disclaimer: I'm not a mental health professional

I think if the behaviors center exclusively around your LO, it's not borderline personality disorder. Personality disorders affects multiple areas of life.

NTA

I would file a complaint with your state licensing board (and share the experience on every review site so their business can suffer as well). Then they can "look into themselves" to figure out why their so upset when their career falls apart.

edit-typo

Sometimes you have students who don't care at all about what you're interested in teaching them.

In another thread, I was told that professors don't care if undergrads. are inspired by or compliment their books/research in any way because only graduate students can truly understand and appreciate it. So on the one hand, professors complain that students "don't care" about what they're teaching them, yet it's meaningless to them if an undergrad. is genuinely interested in/inspired by their work?

I hope this view doesn't represent the majority in academia, but a couple of people have said that same thing.

I don't think limerence really ends unless you become limerent for someone else. My best advice is to start dating again until you find the same connection with someone.

NTA

You're not banning him because he's autistic or saying he can't come to the wedding. Weddings are formal events, and while I can understand making some accommodations for someone with autism (i.e. a suit made out of a certain fabric if he had sensory issues, for example), a Spiderman costume is absolutely ridiculous.

My LO (a former professor) is the same age as my mother, but she doesn't look anything like her nor are their personalities similar (at least I don't see it). At most, maybe I expected the same type of unconditional regard from the professor that my mother has for me.

The problem is that the situation is easily recognizable and most know what subs I commonly post in, so I worry about being harassed from the new account as well. With that said, maybe it's worth a try.

Edit-punctuation

No one's worth killing yourself over. Think of it this way: if you killed yourself, you'll definitely never see or interact with her again. Have you tried speaking to a counselor?

I also think that some "straight" people (not all!) also have some natural potential to be bi, but they'll only notice it if they fall hard for someone of the same sex.

This is exactly what happened to me. I've always felt straight because I'm sexually attracted to and enjoy sex with men. Although I haven't been sexually attracted to women, there was one woman (a professor no less...) whom I fell madly in love with, and the feeling was so strong that I realized it had to be romantic attraction. I'd even go as far as saying it was more emotionally intense (on my end) than the men I've had relationships with.

I've never been so affected by a single person in my life, and the episode has had me questioning my sexuality. I can't be 100% straight after this, but I don't know if I"m "bi" enough to be bi either. In any case, I agree that sexuality exists across a spectrum.

And the good news is none of these things are bad,

Not normally, but it never ends well when you discover your sexuality with a professor lol.

Last May, I had a fallout with a professor whom I admired, and for the past few months, I've been posting about it on Reddit because I've upset about it and am contemplating trying to reconcile with her. (She's retiring in a few months, so I don't have much time to decide.) I initially started posting about this on reddit AskProfessors and other academic sub, but I've been brutally harassed and bullied off of them.

I don't even know where to begin. Some comments are merely brash and condescending. For example, I've been told to "leave the professor alone" and that "I'm nothing to her," etc. (We actually did seem to have a good rapport at one time.) Others have armchair diagnosed my mental health with everything from borderline personality disorder to psychosis. (I mentioned having a diagnosis of generalized anxiety disorder and OCD, but that's not enough for the "armchair psychologists" who clearly know better than real life professionals.) This however, is the least of it.

One user, thestickystickman, took my deleted posts and posted them on subreddit drama, along with a narrative that I've stalked my professor for months (obviously not true). That post received upwards of 3K likes and hundreds of derisive comments. Others on rwere encouraging him and have repeatedly defended him whenever I bring it up. Ironically, thestickystickman seems to be the type that most people laugh at in real life--or at least avoid. In his own post history, for example, he's mentioned not having any friends, hating himself, his roommates avoiding him (I wonder why??) etc. The "best" part, however, is that he seems to suffer from anxiety himself, yet made fun of me for wanting to go into academia despite being a "wild germophobe." I am, but he's admitted that he has trouble speaking to or connecting with people, but he wants to become a professor himself. I guess this was the first time in his life where people were laughing with him instead of at him, or perhaps it was the first time anyone noticed him or gave him any "positive" attention, but it still doesn't this being tolerated on Reddit.

Another comment (after I mentioned telling this professor that I was inspired by this professor work) told me that compliments from undergrads. are meaningless because only grad. students can understand and appreciate their books/research. Others have told me that I'm not cut out for academia and will never succeed in a graduate program (despite the fact that I graduated magna cum laude, took graduate level courses, etc.) Most annoying of all, however, DovahzulsABadConlang
and Superfluous_Cowboy who FOLLOW ME TO OTHER SUBS TO HARASS ME WHILE AT THE SAME TIME TELLING OTHERS NOT TO INTERACT WITH ME.

Here are their comments (to others) on an education sub I recently posted on:

https://www.reddit.com/r/education/comments/et4pts/fallout_with_my_former_professor/ffeq919?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x

https://www.reddit.com/r/education/comments/et4pts/fallout_with_my_former_professor/ffflerx?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x

If they care this much about what a stranger on Reddit posts about and feel they can tell other Reddit strangers if and how to respond, then imagine what control freaks they must be in real life. I feel sorry for those who have to deal with them in real life. Superflous_Cowboy has mentioned having a girlfriend. I'm guessing that he controls their conversations, probably tells her what she can and can't post about on social media etc. I don't know what anyone can see in someone like that, but instead of thinking about her, he spends his time "patrolling" my posts.

I'll probably make a post later detailing the situation with the professor, but first I had to vent about this. Some of the comments that I report get deleted, but Reddit should ban the users that continually harass me. Also, blocking on Reddit should be two ways like on Facebook. Blocking is useless here because the people you block can still see and respond to your posts. Anyway, I just needed to vent about this and hope mods/admin. take this harassment more seriously in the future.

Of course you'd fucking follow me to other subs to harass me.

ESH

You did explain your condition to the professor, and he chose to ignore it, which makes him an asshole. However, as someone experiencing similar guilt over reporting a professor, reporting them should be a very last resort and only for egregious offenses. Have you tried speaking to your school's disability resource center? You can probably get an accommodation where he'd have to use black and blue ink. The other students aren't color blind, so they won't be affected by a change in ink color, but red or green ink can affect your learning.

Even when such complaints get put to bed without any long-term harm to someone’s career, it is hard to view the person who brought the complaint in a positive light.

I agree. However, in my case, my reaction was due to a combination of anxiety and the intensity of my feelings for her. After having this experience, I think if I was ever on the other end, I would accept a student's apology under similar circumstances.

You could have raised issues with your professor’s “tone” outside of the grievance process.

Normally, yes. However, she was already living out of state by this time (nothing to do with this, she's nearing retirement), so our only means of communication was through email. Since I had already sent 2 emails, and she didn't respond to the 2nd, I thought a 3rd would only annoy her. Also, I wasn't sure how to bring up the issue of "tone" in an email without coming across as confrontational. I wanted to know if/why she was upset with me so I could correct whatever it was.

The problem was that I was upset when I wrote to the chair (not that it's ever a good idea to write to the chair), so my email came across as accusing her of traumatizing me. I had even mention going to counseling, but I never went to counseling for her tone. I was worried about what she thought of me after submitting a sloppy/poorly written paper (due to being depressed at her retiring/not being my advisor/in my life). This was 100% due to my anxiety disorder and I never blamed her for the quality etc. However, they called the counseling center (which turned me away because my anxiety/OCD was too severe for a training clinic) and the director confirmed that I was there. (She couldn't confirm details due to confidentiality, so they must have thought that I actually had accused her of inflicting trauma.)

​

In fact, the tone you perceived from your former professor may well have been an effort to get you to back off.

I'd actually like to think that because it would be better than her actually being angry/upset with me. However, I never flirted, hit on, or acted unprofessionally toward her. Keep in mind that this is the first time I've ever questioned my sexuality, and at the time, I wasn't even sure myself whether my feelings were romantic. (Maybe she could pick up on these things even if I wasn't fully aware of my feelings.) She was actually very warm and friendly most of the time, however, so I think this would have happened sooner if she suspected romantic interest.

What worried me was that when I had asked for a lor after her class ended, although she agreed, she didn't seem enthusiastic about it, especially compared to when she eagerly welcomed me into her graduate level course and how she complimented my work etc. Again, her emails were always exceedingly warm, so I sensed a change. I could have read too much into it, but having anxiety, my mind always jumps to "worse case scenario," and at that point I became worried that she didn't think as highly of me anymore. The "curt" email and subsequent lack of reply sent my anxiety through the roof.

I guarantee you that if you get in touch with this professor, it will not be welcome contact for her. Nor will it improve your relationship.

You're probably right, and although I know the worst that can happen is that she won't respond, I'll be devastated if she doesn't.

Edit -deleted a paragraph

That doesn't sound like a reasonable reason to report.

It wasn't. My anxiety was out of control, and I've felt guilty ever since.

So you lied and she did respond. You started by saying she didn't. This makes your report unreliable.

I sent two emails. She replied (as I initially perceived it) "curtly" to the first one, declining to help with the project because I had submitted the proposal before beginning it. Five days later, I wrote her again, offering to withdraw the proposal from the conference (which I did), and explained that I only wanted to better demonstrate my research/project management abilities while not under stress. (I fell into a depression when learning she was near retirement and not taking on new students, and this affected the quality of a paper in her class. She gave me an A- on it, but I knew it wasn't good work, and worried she saw me as stupid and/or lazy.) When she didn't respond to this second email, I freaked out. (Keep in mind that I have an anxiety disorder.)

Is it a troll?

I'm not a troll. I have both anxiety and O.C.D., and I haven't been able to get over this. (I have a long post history about it.)

No because your post shows you still see yourself as the victim in all this. Given this, no new apology would be sincere, it would be manipulative and damaging.

I don't want anything tangible from her; I just wanted us to end on better terms. (Honestly, I hoped to keep in touch, but I guess she doesn't want that, especially now.)

Years ago I also had a stalker obsessed with me who held me to some weird internal standard and then went on a violent armed rampage when I didn't meet it. I had to leave my job and move across country to hide from this lunatic. It was terrible.

I'm sorry to hear you had this experience. That's far from my intention with this professor. She has such a positive influence on me and seemed to like me at one time, so I've felt tormented by all of this.

however i also currently have a crush on a male and have found myself sexually attracted to him, but only because i like him a lot.

I find that sexuality can be fluid. If one like anyone enough, it has the potential to turn into romantic feelings, regardless of one's sexual orientation. I actually experienced the reverse situation. I've always been sexually attracted to men, but I think I fell in love with a woman I "liked a lot." I want to say that this is more common that people will typically acknowledge, but I don't know if it happens to everyone. Maybe our sexualities aren't as "clear cut' as we thought.

I understand this forum is geared more for K-12 education, but I've been harassed/bullied off of the academic subs, so I'm hoping to receive kinder feedback here. Also, this situation happened nearly a year ago, but I've been tormented by it.

Alright, it's a long and complicated story, but in summary-- I reported a professor whom I greatly admired to the department chair for both ignoring my email (when she didn't respond right away as she normally did) and for what I perceived as a curt tone in her previous reply. (Additionally, I mentioned a couple of other times where I perceived subtle fluctuations in her tone/mood--both in email and in person.) I had already graduated by the time I wrote to her, and the email in question involved asking her for assistance with a project that had been accepted for presentation at an academic conference she was attending. Honestly, however, I only submitted the proposal as a pretense to continue working/interacting with her, and I had hoped to see her at this conference.

I should also mention that I have generalized anxiety disorder. This professor and I seemed to have a good rapport while I was in her courses, and although I only had two courses with her, I practically worshiped her. Thus, I was devastated when I thought she was upset or annoyed with me and wrote to the chair. Normally, misunderstanding someone's email tone is forgivable, but the chair brought the complaint to the dean and told the professor that I was accusing her of traumatizing me. I tried going to every level of administration and explaining that I wanted the grievance reversed, and they've assured me that she "wasn't harmed" by the grievance and has "no ill will toward me." Yet she's not speaking to me. (I wrote her one apology letter but it probably came across as insincere since it included a lor request.)

Some on the academic subs have suggested that she probably picked up on romantic interest and isn't answering me because she doesn't want to encourage it. That would be understandable, and I hope that's the case. (For reference: I'm a 37 year old woman, and this professor is a gay woman in her 60's.) I'm otherwise straight (I still feel attracted to men), but my feelings for this professor became so intense that it's had me questioning my sexuality. Unfortunately, however, I feel that it's more likely that she does simply hate me because I essentially brought serious allegations against her (inflicting emotional harm), albeit unintentionally. Yet, normally a student wouldn't be "traumatized" (and I wasn't) by a slightly curt tone, so maybe the whole thing does scream "infatuation," and perhaps she does understand. However, it's also difficult to imagine a professor not resenting a student for accusing them of harming them...So, I welcome everyone's take on the situation, as long as I"m not harassed (and harassing comments will be reported).

Also, does anyone think it would be worth it write her one more time to sincerely apologize?

ESH

You meant well, but at 15 you should understand not to walk into someone's bedroom without knocking. I can understand your dad feeling embarrassed, but he shouldn't have gotten mad when you only wanted to serve your mother breakfast on her birthday.

I told him that I wanted to surprise mom

You surprised her alright

Why do you refuse to relocate?

I refuse to relocate because I love my city. It's a uniquely fun and exciting place (at least in my opinion), plus I have family here too.

If this university is no longer an option then maybe that's the only way to pursue your dream. Are there any other universities within a reasonable commute?

No, there's nothing within a reasonable commute either. (The closest seem to be around a 5-7 hr. drive, plus they're out of state [which means out of state prices.]). My choices seem to be to settle for a boring job or relocate. At least with a boring job, I'll still be able to enjoy the excitement of the city here. I think I'd be depressed living anywhere else.

I'm sure your resume is fine. If you're in your early 20's, nobody expects you to have a lot of work experience, and even no experience is okay. If you've done well academically, you'll probably get an entry-level position or maybe a paid internship.

Sorry to hear about the problems with your girlfriend. Hope you guys work things out.

3 years seems like a long time, but think of it as having 3 years to prepare for the simulations and psych. eval. If you persist, you may ace the evals next time.

NTA

She sounds like a sociopath. First, it was tacky of her to comment on it in the first place, but most people would at least apologize after learning the sentimental value. This is huge red flag, so you're better off without her.

If it makes you feel any better, I've been having a nervous breakdown here on Reddit over a former professor, and it's even possible that faculty/admin. from my university (now alma mater) has seen it and some rather personal posts.

Anyway, glad you're doing better :) Good luck with your art!

I'm conflicted about choosing a career and/or educational path. I graduated from university last year (at 37), with a bachelor's degree in liberal arts. I did well for the most part (graduated magna cum laude) and was intent on pursuing graduate studies in American history there. However, after some negative experiences in the dept., I don't think this is the best program for me. Mainly, however, it would be too painful for me because the professor whom I adamantly wanted as my graduate advisor will no longer be there. (We had a pretty bad fallout,which was my fault, and I can't get over it or her.) However, even had we ended on the best of terms, it would have been too difficult for me to work with another advisor there, or possibly anywhere.

Additionally, I love my city and refuse to relocate. Yet this is the only university in or near this city. I've considered pursuing a second bachelors degree (possibly in English lit.), thinking I may benefit from a fresh start in a new dept., but 1.) I'm still upset about the fallout [and parting] with my professor and worry that it will affect my performance 2.) I'm disgusted with higher level admin. for how the situation with my prof. was handled [in other words, the tension isn't limited to the previous dept.] 3) Although I enjoy English lit., I'm not passionate about it to the same degree that I am American history and can't see myself pursuing grading studies in it 4) A second bachelor's degree will mean more debt. 5) A second bachelor's degree is in a sense starting over, and I wanted to go forward with my education.

However, the alternative to further education is looking for a "job," and not only are there not many/any lucrative options with only a bachelors degree, but there's nothing I'm particular enthusiastic about. I loved the idea of an academic career, but I've since learned that moving is practically a requirement, so even excluding the aforementioned setbacks, it might not be for me for that reason alone. Essentially I feel "stuck."

Happy Birthday!

There are some people you never get over. I'm sorry that happened to you.

I'm going through something similar. There isn't really a label for this type of sexuality ,and sexuality is more fluid than most people acknowledge. I think it's somewhere between bi and straight, maybe a 1 on the Kinsey Scale. (0 being 100% straight and 6 being 100% gay). You can identify however you choose.

I responded to OP on the limerence sub because the situations are similar, minus the complaint. I can relate to her anxiety over an email from a professor she admires, and I shared my story so she wouldn't make my mistake.

However, there's no excuse for the harassment I've received.

That sucks :(

Other probably mean well when they tell you to 'move on,' but it's not easy, and sometimes you don't even want to. So, I'm just going to say that I hope you feel better, and I hope things somehow work out for you.

In other words, it's okay for people to harass me. If you disagree with someone or are annoyed by their posts, it's perfectly acceptable to bully them?

I responded to you on the limerence thread, and I wanted to let you know that I've been harassed and bullied by many people on this sub over the course of months. One person took my (deleted) posts and posted about my sit. on Subredditdrama. (The post received upwards of 3K likes and hundreds of comments making fun of me, and many here were sympathetic to the person [thestickystickman].) Another recently wrote me and told me that he/she knows my professor and the professor told them that she's in love with me. Then there's another user (shell_eliz) that posts on all my threads telling me that I"m "insane" and other harassing comments. Then there's donkeyhats who told me he'd "put a bullet between my eyes" (cant remember the exact quote, but he said he'd shoot me) and hopes I live in a stand my ground state. This is just the tip of the iceberg...

I 100% understand you wanting to post in a sub to get the perspective/insight of professor, but you should know what you're in for with some on here.

Again, I"m sorry. I see you struggle with depression, and while I don't have mental health training, I know that depression (and anxiety) can cloud people's perception/judgment sometimes. So maybe she doesn't hate you as much as you assume, or maybe not at all. You could still try working this out with her. If she rejects you, at least you'll have your answer, and maybe that will help you move on. However, if you don't try, you'll always wonder "what if."

*I say this not knowing the situation, but unless you did something egregious, I think it's worth a try.

I responded to your other comment, and I just wanted to say that I"m sorry for what you're going through. You said you screwed up your friendship with her, but if that was 8 years ago, you guys were kids. If she means that much to you, maybe you could try apologizing and starting over with her. Have you ever tried this?

It's not bad to have sexual thoughts about anyone (any adult, that is). They're your thoughts, and you can masturbate to whomever you want to. I was almost afraid to respond to this because there are many people following my posts, and I"m sure this will get taken out of context.

If I'm an annoyance to her, then she never thought that much of me. Most people's feelings about someone don't change from positive regard to annoyance instantaneously. She did say that it would be "her pleasure" to continue working with me and allowed me into her graduate level course, so I think she did like me at one time.

I'm trying to figure out where everything changed. It was before the grievance. I could tell when her tone changed that she was annoyed, and maybe it did stem from the paper. And even if I"m "nothing" to her, I don't see why admin. couldn't arrange for me to talk to her for a few minutes to apologize.

I'll tell you like I've told others, I'd like see how you feel/react when you're "nothing" to someone you invested nearly all your emotional energy in for a year, would have done anything for, etc. Let's see how you'd "deal with it."

I went through something similar with a professor, though it ended very badly in my case. (I freaked out when she didn't respond to my email, wrote to the chair, and he told her (and the dean) that I was accusing her of inflicting emotional trauma.) At least you had the chance to talk to your professor and were honest about your feelings. Your professor seems empathetic and understanding, and I think he does like you as a person.

With that said, it probably is a little awkward for him as well (bc of his position as your prof.), but that doesn't mean that he doesn't like you. Remember, there's a power imbalance between you two, so it's not the same type of friendship as with a peer. (And as you've acknowledged, there can't be a romantic relationship between you either.) Personally, I think it's a much deeper and more meaningful relationship, but it's a professional one nonetheless. (It's very easy for the professional and the personal to become blurred, especially for the student.)

I know the anxiety you're feeling all too well, but I'm sure he'll answer you after the break. If another week or two passes and he still doesn't respond, you can always write him again, apologizing for sending that email, and ask him if he could respond to let him know that you're not upset with him. (If he understands you have mental health issues, especially if it's an anxiety disorder, he'll probably respond.)

Good luck!

How would you feel about a student if your dept. chair or dean told you that a student was accusing you of inflicting emotional trauma on them? That's a pretty serious allegation, even if it's over something ridiculous like email tone. (I mentioned one time where I saw fleeting glimpse of this in person as well.)

NTA

He got what he deserved! You did go to the police first, and when proper authorities refuse to help, sometimes you have to act on your own. Honestly, I think it was an awesome idea, and hopefully drawing such attention to the matter raises awareness and causes law enforcement to take hate crimes more seriously. Good for you guys!

I don't know if I count as bi (I'm mostly straight but fell in love with one woman), but I think some gay people's opinion on bisexuality has to do with the history of gay rights/homosexuality. For much of history, homosexuality was stigmatized and criminalized (though it's been more acceptable during some periods than others). For this reason, bisexuality wasn't acknowledged in the early gay rights movement. (I don't know when they added the B or T in LGBT.) The idea was for people to have the right to express any same sex desire free of discrimination or punishment. Thus, "coming out" was encouraged.

Hence, people with varying degrees of bisexuality often ignored their heterosexuality and identified/lived as gay. Although people are now encouraged to "be who they are," including bisexual, we've only reached this point because homosexuality in general is more accepted. Yet, this couldn't have happened without the gay rights movement. As a "mostly straight" woman, I'm very much inspired by the gay rights movement and the LGBT community. I agree that straight homophobes hate bisexuals much more than any gay person.

NTA

You shouldn't be ashamed of being bisexual (I think everyone is to some degree), and if you're family can't accept it, they're bigots, but it's wrong to out someone because it's a violation of their confidentiality/privacy. It's especially hypocritical as well since he forbade you from discussing his sexual preferences. He's the asshole, and if I were in your situation, I'd tell people about his sexual preferences just so he knows the feeling.

Has anyone ever become limerent for an authority figure such as a professor/teacher/boss etc.? I'd argue that this is the worst type of limerence because it produces the strongest feelings while at the same time being the most hopeless of any relationship situation and usually ends badly with the subordinate (student/employee/etc.) being the one hurt (emotionally and possibly professionally). Agree/Disagree? Discuss.

I had originally shared my story about my professor but then deleted it because there are too many people following me on here. (They go as far as saving my comments and then posting them on other subs when I post about the prof. etc.) I find teacher/professor limerence to be the worst kind. It produces the strongest feelings, yet is the most hopeless and usually ends badly (with the student being hurt the most).

Anyway, as far as finding other relationships, you can try online dating, or if you're in college (I don't know if by "grad" you meant graduated from high school or a graduate student), you can try joining a club or organization. The more new people you meet, the more chance you'll find someone new. I hope things work out for you :)

I think there's something alluring about authority figures. Although a bit taboo, I think infatuations/limerence with authority figures is probably common. There's an element of validation that you can't get in an "ordinary" relationship.

I don't think limerence is by definition sexual. It's just a way of saying extremely intense feelings for someone. In fact, I'd say limerence is more of an emotional connection, as if you're only sexually attracted to a person, you only want them on a physical level. (That's easier to get over, in my opinion/experience.) Limerence is more about wanting (as you said) their attention, affection, regard, being drawn to their personality, etc. It may or may not include sexual/feelings, but sexual desire is secondary to limerence (or so I think).

.Additionally, and I don't know if this is a form of bisexuality or homosexuality, but I think you can even be limerent for the gender you're not normally physically attracted to. I'm a straight female in my late 30's, for example, and I became limerent for a female professor (30 years my senior). I think, like with your situation, I primarily wanted her attention, and I looked up to/admired her etc. However, the feeling became so intense that I've questioned whether or not it's romantic.

To answer you question, however, I don't know if limerence can be purely platonic. At one time it could, but now I'm starting to think all limerence is at least somewhere on the spectrum of romantic feelings, even if it's not outright sexual. One typically doesn't stop functioning when their friend moves away, for example, even if they miss them. (I"m not saying you're going to stop functioning; it was just an example.) In short, if your feelings are so deep that you experience anguish or depression at the thought of NC, it's probably limerence, and probably not purely platonic, but this is only my opinion and I"m still trying to work this out myself.

Society created a gay/straight binary, but I believe few people are 100% gay or 100% straight. Date/have sex with whomever you feel comfortable with, whether it's men, women, or both. Once you decide which gender/genders you prefer, you can label your sexuality. However, labeling sexuality is a relatively recent concept (the terms heterosexual and homosexual didn't exist until around the late 19th century), and the idea of "coming out" didn't start until around the 1970's. Essentially, terms like "straight," "gay," or "bi," are ways to simplify and categorize the very complex nature of human sexuality. So don't worry so much about the category and instead see who who connect with most. Good luck.

You're apparently following me and saving all my comments...talk about stalking. Just to let you know, I reported your above comment to Reddit admin. as harassment (I'm going to re-report it since it's still up) and reported this account as well since it was created just to harass me. If you wanted to ignore me, you wouldn't comment. You could even block me if it was that annoying for you to see my posts, but you seem to love the attention from others (or actually enjoy harassing me for its own sake). The reason I don't block people, btw, is because it's only one way on Reddit. So the person you blocked can still see and comment/make fun of you on your threads, only you don't see it. If you just don't want to see someone's posts, blocking is a good idea.

I deleted the comment because I knew that by responding, I was giving you the reaction you wanted.

I'm sorry to hear this, and you're not pathetic. It's easy to become limerent over someone we don't know because we only see the positive aspects of their personality (which may or may not even be real). I don't know if this will help, but maybe you can remind yourself that had you gotten to know her, you might not have even liked her. I know it's still difficult because so far all you have is the positive impression, and anything else is a hypothetical. Even though we usually understand this intellectually, our brains have created a reality out of our idealized version of the person.

It's a perfectly natural phenomenon, and this type of loss should be taken as seriously as any other. Again, I'm sorry for you, and I hope things get better for you. Have you tried dating other people? It's difficult, but if you don't put yourself out there, you'll never know. I think the only thing that ends limerence for one person is limerence for another.

This is going to sound weird, but I had a short relationship with someone a decade ago, and until recently still thought about him, dreamed about him, etc. (I've dated others since him, but he never really left my thoughts.) He blocked me on Facebook when we broke up, but I created a fake account and followed him for years. (It killed me to see him in new relationships, but I couldn't look away.) Anyway, last year I became limerent for a professor (a female 30 years my senior...go figure). I don't know if my feelings were romantic or if I admired her as a person, but during the height of my limerence, when I was in her classes, I realized that I stopped "cyber stalking" my ex. (we didn't even date that long). It didn't care if he was in a relationship, nor did I even think or care much about him. My point is that I think the only real cure for limerence is another limerence. In any case, good luck, and I hope things work out for you.

I mean... wouldn't most people be upset? That kind of allegation can end a career so I think it's perfectly reasonable they'd be upset with you.

I was being sarcastic when I said "I mean, who get's upset when inflicting trauma."

You were set off by learning she was retiring and it spiraled from there.

And no, the uni shouldn't have to pay, your issues caused all of this, not the other way around.

Had they arranged for me to apologize and let me at least on end on a more positive note with her, it would have helped my mental health some. Even if the professor wasn't emotionally invested in my enough to care, it would have meant a lot for me, and even someone with neutral feelings for someone would be willing to take a few minutes to prevent someone from suffering anguish. (University admin./The chair could easily arrange this; they simply don't want to and/or it's probably because the professor expressed resentment/animosity toward me.)

Describing someone as a "narcissist" or another person as "cheap" or their home as "filthy", these statements can and do hurt reputations and cause these people their own stress and anxiety.

I don't know if my professor is clinically a narcissist, yet you have no problem with others' armchair diagnosing me. I don't know her well enough, she is charming/confident etc., but that alone doesn't make someone a narcissist. The question isn't whether she meets diagnostic criteria but why she refuses to accept my apology or speak to me. Some have said because she doesn't want to encourage a perceived romantic interest. This would be 100% understandable, but the simplest explanation is because she's me as petty and vengeful after writing to the chair. That too is understandable, but when learning that a student is experiencing extreme guilt/anguish, and is generally remorseful to the point of going to admin. to reverse the grievance, and has disclosed mental health issues which affected their behavior, an empathetic person would hear them out for a few minutes. However, I don't know if she was told about my mental health issues (it might be a FERPA violation for admin. to tell her, I don't know whether anyone has reached out to her. She never responded to my first apology, but I also asked for a lor in it. Alternatively, she may have been instructed not to have contact with me, but I think this is unlikely. The question is why she's not responding, and the uncertainty is exacerbating my distress.

As far as the couple, calling someone's home "filthy" won't destroy their career. Keep in mind that this couple didn't refund me the proper amount of money that we agreed to out of resentment for leaving their home. They may have told the chair that I left their house, and then he prohibited anyone in the dept. from helping me. (Though that was ultimately his decision--I'm disgusted with him for multiple reasons.)

You were set off by learning she was retiring and it spiraled from there.

This is correct. It wasn't even so much her retirement per se as the thought of her not being in my life, never seeing her again, etc. Had we remained in touch, while I still would have been disappointed not having her as my advisor, I would have more easily worked with another.

I've said I don't appreciate the armchair diagnosis about my mental health/state. Getting help and getting off of reddit aren't even mutually exclusive, nor do I owe anyone, yet alone strangers online, verification of being in therapy etc. (If I get off this sub, it's only to avoid the harassment.)

Prior to the firestorm you set off, she cared about you in exactly the same way as every other one of her students: only inasmuch as you were currently enrolled in one of her classes.

So, professors are warm/friendly to students in their class, and the day they're no longer enrolled they turn cold towards them? This hasn't been my experience with other professors, and I've even contacted this professor before taking her class and her personality was the same. If this is the norm ("no longer in my class; fuck you.") then academia attracts shallow people.

Beyond that, you were nobody to her: not a relative, not a friend, not a lover, and never to be one of those things. You were a literal stranger. SHE didn't ruin your future. Your future is ruined because of your own actions and your continuing obsession. And every time you come back to Reddit and continue to feed your obsession by posting relentlessly and arguing with everyone who's telling you to stop, to let it go, to get help; every time you go over and over it in your head, rehashing your delusions about the cozy little relationship you were going to have with this woman, you only continue to dig the hole deeper.

You're incredibly condescending, and based on your Reddit personality, I'd hate to be in your class (assuming you actually are a prof). First, I'm entitled to MY THOUGHTS. It is MY prerogative to think about this professor 24/7, to ruminate, to never move on (bc maybe I don't want to). Hell, if I'm outright delusional, I'm still entitled to MY thoughts, feelings, etc. Neither I nor anyone else is telling you who or what to think about etc.

YOU are a NOBODY to me, yet alone my psychologist. I could care less what you think. I don't want others to think that I'm saying I think the prof. is in love with me or even my friend etc. All I"m saying is that no one has the right to tell another person what to think, to "move on" etc. I WANT to think about this professor. I DON"T WANT TO MOVE ON NOR AM I GOING TO UNTIL I DO, IF I DO. Maybe I will think about this professor and ruminate about the loss of our "rapport" for the rest of my life (MY RIGHT).

Maybe you should seek help for your control issues.

When you made the complaint to the chair you likely burned a bridge with the professor. If a student had filed a complaint like you did against me I would never assist the student again. Not because I was petty, but because the complaint was baseless. I would question your stability. I would question your ability to accurately interpret any of my future actions with you. I would seriously wonder if you were delusional.

I guess this is the closest to certainty on the situation as I'm going to get. I appreciate your honesty. This is what I wanted from the university (2nd to reconciliation from the professor), but they're clearly saying anything to appease me because they probably do see me as "delusional" or "unstable" etc. I still feel patronized and offended by this approach, however, because they're underestimating my intelligence. Does the dean not think I'd remember or notice the inconsistencies in her story? Or, more importantly, that the professor has no ill toward me after being told that I was accusing her of inflicting an emotional injury?

This is what bothers me the most. When they told me she's not upset with me (I mean, who get's upset with allegations of inflicting trauma?...), I wanted to believe it, and it created a hint of uncertainty/false hope. (OCD and uncertaintly don't usually mix well.) Maybe they were afraid for her safety, though they have no reason to be. (From their perspective, they didn't know how I would react to being told that she wants nothing to do with me.)

In the end, your whole situation reads as manipulation.

I don't even know if he read it as manipulation. I think he acted on a grievance he thought I wanted filed, maybe there was reasonable enough room to interpret my email that way, and the professor made it clear that she wants nothing to do with me. (It's difficult for me to handle/process that.)

Others have suggested they picked up on romantic interest. I actually wish that was the case because that's more innocuous (I never expressed explicit interest etc.), and in such case, she probably wouldn't have ill will toward me, even if she didn't want to encourage it. (She understands questioning/uncertainty about one's sexuality and would not resent me for that.) Honestly, I sometimes question if what I feel is romantic or if I just admired her a lot as a person, but that's best left for other subs. Either way, my feelings are intense.

And I recognize that it's a bizarre infatuation. Anyway, it's 3 a.m., and I feel like I'm just venting/rambling at this point, so I'm going to sign off

Again, this is very difficult for me to process, as she meant so much to me. (I guess she doesn't care.) I do appreciate the honesty, and it's sad that I had to turn to Reddit to get answers.

Is harassing me sexual for you? Do you get off from harassing strangers online? The more distress they're in, they more arousing it is for you? Do you typically fixate on one person like you're doing with me, or do you have hundreds of these fake accounts where you can torment others from as well? Or is it just that you need the attention from others because no one pays attention to you in real life?

Alumni never complain unless they wish to file a formal grievance.

Alright, I can see where they'd take it this way. I just wish there was a way to undo the process. I had to bring my situation public, face a ton of harassment and bullying/just to finally get answers.

Some have told me that this prof. doesn't have ill-will towards me, but it's either conjecture from strangers online or the university trying to pacify me. Unless someone actually knows her (obviously they'd have to DM me and provide some info. such as my name etc. for me to believe them), then all I can assume is that this professor hates me. She'd probably walk over me if I laying dying in front of her (not a threat of self-harm, I meant if we hypothetically passed each other and I had some type of medical emergency, she'd probably let me die). I hope I'm wrong, and I certainly shouldn't care about anyone who could feel this way, yet I do...

*At this point I'm just venting, and I'll probably delete all this eventually.

Fair enough. However, I actually thought trivial complaints were common (regardless of the professor's intention in this email). Students are always challenging their grades, complaining about class policies etc. (sometimes the parents complain as well). Granted, this isn't a good way to win a professor's favor, but they don't become formal/official grievances, and it's probably not something that a student couldn't apologize for. Sometimes the chair just facilitates better communication and the student/professor work out whatever it was and get along fine after that. (Granted, I was an alumni but same idea, and I had only recently graduated at that point.)

This is obviously her saying that this is typical behavior for you. She had observed other behavior in you that makes this typical.

I can see where it can read that way as well, but if she was referring only to me, she probably would have said "Unfortunately, this behavior is typical for her and shouldn't be rewarded." This is just my interpretation, but here's a perfect example of why there should have been more communication. It's so easy to misinterpret someone online, as we project our own biases into the communication. Again, not really a big deal, but somehow this turned into an accusation of inflicting injury.

As far as getting help, as I"ve said, the uni. should have to pay for it. While I've had OCD prior, I've always functioned, performed well academically etc. This "episode" was caused by the university. They knew about my distress, OCD/anxiety (because I told them), etc., yet couldn't bother arranging a short conversation with the prof.

I'm starting to think u/metal_bulb is right. The dept./university resented me over the housing sit. (Yet the tension seems to come from this dept. and admin.) The other chair was friendly, and actually agreed to allow me to recruit volunteers through that dept. when I contacted them about it a while back. (I never went through with it and withdrew the proposal.) So, there likely isn't a university-wide blacklist; it's resentment from a few people. (I vacillate on this because I was also rejected from every nonacademic job I've applied for there.)

Thanks for sharing!

So is she saying you've done things like this before and your behavior should not be rewarded?

I interpreted this as her saying that it's typical for students to complain to the dean over trivial things/when they don't get their way, and such behavior shouldn't be rewarded. (Fair enough. Our relationship didn't seem permanently damaged at that point, when the complaint was about the project rather than her.)

Other than the housing debacle, I never made an official complaint about anyone/anything in the university. As I've previously said, I actually got along with most of my professors. (I was mad when one gave me my first B+, but I never wrote to the chair or complained. I was more upset that it "stained" my nearly perfect transcript; I had zero emotional attachment to him.)

Did she write you a response and not send it?

No, she sent it. However, all she did was politely decline to help with the project and provide a few online links for guidance with it. (I'd say this was generous except that she stopped speaking to me afterwards.) It seems that the chair either missed the nature of what I wanted or deliberately chose to ignore it. I knew she wasn't helping me with the project (and was okay with that), but I wanted to know if she was upset with me and what I could do to correct it. This was never addressed. I also mentioned being worried that she was personally disappointed in me after my paper, but that wasn't addressed either. (Which increased my anxiety over it.) Essentially, I only wanted a short conversation with her to clear up any misunderstandings/get reassurance over the paper (or at least the opportunity to explain my depression), but instead this became an official grievance.

Also, I'm guessing a lot was discussed on the phone to keep it off your record.

This is a good point (and maybe off her record as well). This is why it sounds like it was being treated as an egregious accusation rather than a misunderstanding. It wasn't meant to be, and that's why I'm livid over this. Telling a professor that they're not in any kind of trouble, but an anxious student wants to know if they're upset with them and telling them that a student is mad that you won't help with a project and are accusing them of inflicting trauma are two very different scenarios. You can't apologize for the latter. It's like bringing a charge of sexual harassment against someone and then saying "I"m sorry." She thought I was accusing her of inflicting harm. I wasn't or didn't want to, and the university wouldn't tell the professor this. (When I tried, it sounded like I only wanted a lor from her, so I understand why she didn't answer.) However, she probably wouldn't answer a sincere/request-free apology either because of how the situation was presented to her. That's why I think the university is at fault.

You're going to need to accept the blame and accept that she will not speak with you. Find ways to move forward.

It's easier said than done. Again, this was all so senseless, and at times I'm angry with her for being angry with me. (That's not a threat of violence, just to clarify.) I can understand how she'd feel, but I don't see how a professor could know that a student has suffered so much for them, is genuinely remorseful, etc, and still refuse to express forgiveness (especially when mental health issues are involved--not that mental health is an excuse.) I'm sure she's made mistakes in her life. (Everyone has.)

Although we don't agree on all aspects of this, I appreciate you sharing your experience, as I think you may have some understanding of how I feel.

I'm guessing you left out all the history prior to the "tone" email from your professor.

I told them about the proposal I submitted, my anxiety disorder, and that I understood (in retrospect) why the prof. would be upset with me over it. If you mean the housing complaint, I was nervous during this conversation, but I think I did mention it in relation to a possible explanation of why the chair handled the situation as to why he did. Once I explained how official everything was being handled, this other chair changed from suggesting that I write the department a letter to be mailed to the professor to saying that I should find a way to make peace with the situation as is.

The reason they gave for not reaching out to the professor was because they didn't feel it was their place, which is understandable, but I sensed that they suspected there must have been more to to story. At the beginning of the conversation, however, it seemed like this would be a perfectly forgivable misunderstanding.

But it didn't. It stemmed from the letter your wrote to the chair that was full of red flags. It was clear that you were infatuated with the prof and the administration took action to protect her, by cutting contact with you. She doesn't hate you, but she knows you're obsessed, and further contact will only feed your obsession and make her uncomfortable, which is why they have gone no contact. This is standard procedure in these situations and your subsequent complaints proved they had made the right decision.

I saw the email correspondences between her and the chair. (They're on my educational record.) Initially (in the email), he presented as if I was complaining to the dean about lack of departmental support for my project (which wasn't true) an asked to see all communications with me over it. She forwarded the 2 emails, saying those were her only communications with me (I had forwarded him the emails, so I guess he wanted to see if there were more.) She then wrote "Such behavior is typical and shouldn't be rewarded." (At that point she thought I was complaining to the dean about the project but didn't seem to phased by it.)

He then requested a phone conversation with her. I don't know what he said, but apparently requested that she respond politely to the unanswered email. In her email to him, she wrote "I'm so glad we had this conversation, __" I"m stunned that she is accusing me of somehow causing harm." She then wanted him to review the response (to make sure the tone was okay) and said "I"m sorry this is taking up so much of your time."

There was nothing said about romantic interest or infatuation etc. It seems that he told her I was accusing her of inflicting emotional trauma, she was pissed because she thought I was trying to punish her for the project or otherwise destroy her career, and hates me for it. I did mention experiencing anxiety in my email, and I acknowledge that I was upset. However, this wasn't what I wanted, and he never bothered including me in this dialogue. (He also told her that he was working with the dean's office to address my concerns. The dean initially confirmed this and then changed her story when I was insisting that I wanted the grievance reversed.)

Owning your actions would be crushing and likely lead to depression, self-loathing, shame, guilt, despair, and possibly thoughts of suicide.

I sincerely appreciate your concern, and I assure you that I wouldn't kill myself over this (or anyone--especially someone who could care less about me). However, it's nonetheless distressing. I agree that I could benefit from therapy to process this, but the uni. should have to pay for it (if they're not going to help me reconcile with her.) For the record, if I thought she'd speak to me/forgive me if I accepted 100% of the blame, I'd do it. But I don't think anything I could say or do would matter. (That's what makes me angry at times.)

Edit-grammar

Your behavior likely had a cumulative effect on the department and informed them on how to make decisions about interacting with you.

I'm trying to figure out if this actually does have something to do with the housing scenario or if my email to the chair did come across as intending to accuse her of harm. I was pretty upset when I wrote it, but that should have been all the more reason for him to meet with me first. Regardless of his personal opinion toward me, as the chair of the dept., I don't see how he could have broken the protocol in such situations because he disliked me. Again, even his own friend/colleague said that an email misunderstanding would never result in a professor being reported to the dean.

But you did, and instead of just leaving after you did so, you doubled down.

I've practically (if not actually) had a nervous breakdown over this. Had the university talked to her and allowed me to work things out with her (if only for my own mental health), this wouldn't have happened.

Not that you’ll listen, but this is where therapy could help.

I agree, but the university should have to pay for it. And I don't think OCD is something that needs to be "cured," but I want to reach the point where I could concentrate in grad. school without being distracted/affected by this. (The other problem is that there's only one university in this city, and even if I was 100% over the professor, I'm still disgusted with how they handled this.)

First of all, why? Knowing how unpleasant it is, why would you wish it on anyone?

Because if the people who are harshly telling me to "move on" or reminding me that I'll never have contact with her etc. knew what the feeling was like, they'd be probably be more sympathetic.

Even if you hadn't behaved as you did, you would never have had the future with her -- exchanging emails, visiting her out of state once a year -- that you were imagining in your delusion.

I understand that I didn't know her, that I only had her for two semesters etc. Yet, it's not entirely unheard of for professors to stay in touch with some of their former students. Had this not happened, I had thought about going to visit people I know (they're close with my family and probably would love to see me--and I know they're clean) who live in nearby her [probably within an hour drive]. I was going to write to her that I would be in town visiting friends and asked if she would have liked to have lunch or meet for coffee/drinks etc. (Keep in mind that I have anxiety about flying, and this would have been quite a long flight.) I don't know how she would have responded, but I think if a professor likes a student they'd like to see them.

She did seem to like me at one time, which is why I thought her attitude changed over the paper. It's done, but it's upsetting to me because what this really all stems from is her retiring/not being in my life. I was looking forward to her being my advisor, and I wouldn't have experienced the depression had she agreed. (Contrarily, it would have motivated me to work harder.)

But you're needlessly grieving the loss of something that never existed and would never have developed anyway.

Despite everything I've said, I sometimes think she's not worth devoting so much energy to. What makes it difficult is that her work/courses had such a positive influence on me, almost inspiring my own career path. (Isn't that an honor? Or do academics not really care about their publications or courses?) I have to wonder if she doesn't care because she didn't think I have the potential. Even if that's so, my future shouldn't be ruined because of it.

but even so, PhD students have more experience in academia that you do so you can't just dismiss their input because they're younger than you

It's one thing to provide input, but people were starting to tell me that the reason my professor wouldn't except my apology is because I harassed her for months before writing the chair. I hadn't contacted her within the 4 months from the time our class ended to the time I wrote her about the proposal, but they'd rather believe the rumors.

I honestly never meant to dox my professor, and I'd dox myself if it meant her speaking to me. (maybe--diet-cokehead-- will post that professor told her that she'll forgive me on the condition that I dox myself. I'd say he/she could share the laugh with their family next year at Thanksgiving or Christmas, except their own family doesn't invite them to holiday gatherings but I digress.)

To say this has all been distressful for me is an understatement, and I didn't feel I had anywhere else to turn. The professor wouldn't respond to me, and the university wouldn't help, or even tell me what was going on.

I kind of feel you have a chip on your shoulder in this regards

My academic future is over all because I wanted to apologize to a professor and make sure she didn't suffer from it. So yes, I'm a little bitter, but I mentioned age because it felt patronized by some of the comments.

I completely understand how you feel because I'm in a similar position (different situation but similar sentiment). I'm going to advise you against it based on my own experience. Even though you think this will give you closure, after you "pour your heart out" to him and he doesn't respond, you're going to feel more hurt and embarrassed. (Even if you think you can handle it now, you're never really prepared.)

Speaking from my own experiences, the motivation is to "keep the dopamine rush alive." If you really just need to "get it off your chest," you can write out your thoughts and not actually send them to him, or vent on here. (And if you change your mind you can always delete the post, unlike if you actually send the letter.)

I attended college as an older student, and I wan't bullied, but I can't speak for everyone. I think people are more likely to be cyberbullied these days. (I've certainly received my share of it on Reddit...mostly by college and graduate students on r/AskProfessors ).

There's practically a competition to see who can harass me the most/worst.

All this was because I felt bad about the grievance and wanted to apologize to the professor.

I wasn't even talking about the drama post (that was just one time). Look through this thread and people have dug up comments that I posted on r/sexuality . Other times they take quotes out of context and share them for amusement/drama. I'm sure you'll sympathize with them.

But it's okay when people dig up my posts and share them, even on SubReddit Drama for laughs. (That's not the only time this has happened. My post from other subs get shared all the time.) They're not creepy stalkers? I once kindly replied to one of your posts when you were asking about academic incest, sharing my reluctance to move etc. And in turn you've harassed me on all my threads. I know, I "need help," but you're sick not in a way that can be treated, as there's no treatment for sociopathy.)

Okay, no one at my university wants anything to do with me, least of all the professor. Fine. Sufficed to say I've been pretty upset over this, and most here have at least done their best to discourage me from contacting the professor...except for one person. Dietcokehead actually thought it would be amusing to post that she knew my professor, knew that she reciprocated my feelings and only wanted me to let her go for the sake of her SO. Imagine what a post like that could do to someone with OCD in the midst of their anguish...wouldn't it have been "funny" if I actually wrote the professor a love letter and then vented on here when she didn't reply? This would be the epitome of amusement for Dietcokehead because why else would they post something like that. (They must have such an exciting life.)

I understand why their family doesn't want them around at Thanksgiving and Christmas. My university may want nothing to do with me, least of all my professor, but at least my relatives invite me to holidays.

https://www.reddit.com/r/blogsnark/comments/ef0grp/holidays_no_contact_with_family_support_thread/fbxnroq?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x

​

We all know I'm OCD, but at least I'm clean. Dietcoke only washes their sheets every 2 weeks and only does laundry once a week. Maybe their family doesn't want them at holidays because they don't want bedbugs on their furniture. https://www.reddit.com/r/BedBros/comments/dvhr1b/question_how_often_do_you_washchange_your_bed/f7czgdy?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x

I saw that post. The OP said that they knew the professor reciprocated my feelings and only wanted me to let her go bc of her SO.

Even the OP of the drama post thought that was going too far, but what do you expect from someone who only does laundry once a week and washes their sheets every 2 weeks?

https://www.reddit.com/r/BedBros/comments/dvhr1b/question_how_often_do_you_washchange_your_bed/f7czgdy?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x

Thank you.

I never mentioned my username, the subs I post on etc., nor did I sent them the drama link. I only asked if they could represent me in (because university faculty were involved). They couldn't, but I doubt the university's lawyers are spending their time searching for my posts on Reddit to show the dept. The only way the dept./admin. would see my posts if 1) Some of them are on some of these subs and recognize the situation or 2) Someone (or multiple people) on here wrote the chair or dean, gave them my username and/or linked them to some of my posts.

I hope someone important to you in your life ghosts you. Same with many here.

she’s batshit insane,

People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

she’s batshit insane,

You see things that aren't even there, but I'm "batshit insane."

My comment wasn't about academics. A lot of harassment seems to be coming from immature kids in their 20's, and some of them are pontificating about the situation, being condescending etc. The only ones that know with certainty what actually happened and how the professors feels are the professor, the chair, and admin. (and maybe others in the dept./university).

I wanted to get others' perspectives to see what commonly happens in these situations, but I wasn't asking to be bullied or harassed. One person even went as far as doxxing the professor (literally typing her name on here [they deleted the comment]) and told me that she reciprocated my feelings and only wanted me to forget about her for the sake of SO.

The most likely scenario is that she hates me because I wrote to the chair, and probably all the more because he told her I was accusing her of traumatizing me.

First, people here throw my age at me all the time. However, my comment had nothing to do with academics. A lot of the people harassing me are immature kids in their 20's (sad if some are older). Even those that may be well meaning don't have any more knowledge as to what's going on with the prof. just because they're in grad. school.

I'm sorry this happened to you. I'm dealing with my own limerence right now, and one the things I find helpful is to try to distract yourself by going places you enjoy. I did this today, and I"m feeling slightly better, at least better than I've been doing these past few days. I'm lucky to be in the city I'm in (there's a lot to do here), but wherever you are, go somewhere fun. You won't forget about your LO, nor, but there'll be moments where you're not thinking about them at all, and even when you are, your emotions will be less intense. At the very least, it's a temporary distraction, you'll enjoy, and it helps "reset" your mind (at least for a little while).

Also, you only went on 5 dates with this girl. I don't know how well you knew her, but it's sometimes harder to get over a relationship that never began than one that actually ended. You never had a chance to see her for who she really is. I guarantee she's nowhere near as perfect as you thought, and her ghosting you is proof of that, no matter her reason. It's always easier to give this type of advice to someone else, because we all want to believe our LO's are who we want them to be, but that's why we're here to support each other. Good luck. I hope you feel better.

No reason; I'm a terrible typist. (I guess I'm more self-conscious of it now.) Now even my typing is being analyzed/critiqued, but this is one of the least disturbing comments... If grad. school doesn't pan out, you can always pursue data entry...

You want to have a subreddit dedicated to professor obsessions.

lol Not exactly. Someone else in another sub seemed to be similarly infatuated with their professor, and my response included an edit saying that "There should be a sub devoted to professor infatuations." It's a unique experience and doesn't fit into the context of relationship subs or academic subs, so I thought it would be a good idea for people to have a place to vent talk about their unrequited feelings (romantic or platonic) for their professors (free from harassment). While most people wouldn't post about it to the degree that I have, I think it's a more common experience that people would admit to.

How did you function before you went to college?

Hope I"m not doxxing myself,but I sold insurance. That's all I'll say because I've shared more about myself than most people have on here, and I think I deserve some privacy.

I think you won't move because you consider it your last tie to this Prof.

Honestly, that partially true, but not entirely. I've been visiting this city virtually my whole life, my family has a history here, and it's a fun, beautiful, and exciting place. (Or so I see it that way.) Yet, despite all this, I was ready to move pretty far when I thought it meant the chance to work with this professor (when I thought she was moving to another university). That should say a lot.

If you weren't this obsessive before you went to school, maybe it's time to return to your prior living arrangements and job.

I may try insurance again or try to break into financial advising, however, I'm not really passionate about it for it's own sake. It's a great career as far as earning potential, autonomy, etc., and I loved it while I did it for these reasons (though it sucked during the recession). However, I was genuinely looking forward to pursuing an academic career, but I think I've finally decided against this.

Mainly, it's too painful for me to work with another advisor (anywhere), and I've experienced too much negativity at my university. I did contact another professor there about advising me, but she never answered. I don't know if it's because she didn't like my thesis idea or because I've been blacklisted from the dept. etc., but it's just as well, because it would be too upsetting/distressful for me to be there (especially in that dept.)

As far as the professor, I see your point about her being uncomfortable if she didn't reciprocate my feelings, but I do think this is more about the grievance. (How would you react if your chair told you a student was accusing you of emotionally traumatizing them, regardless of the student's gender or sexual orientation?)

This is a perfectly rational/reasonable theory, except that I was pretty upset when I wrote to the chair, and maybe I did come across as accusing her of traumatizing me. When a student bring allegations of causing them harm, I think any professor would have ill will toward them. And even writing a department chair at all would cause them to hate a student. *It shouldn't, as professors should be understanding toward misjudgments, but it seems that this is the way academia is. There's no room for misunderstanding/misjudgment, and relationships with professors are easily damaged.

Professor's don't have access to student's medical records, and my only disability accommodation was for housing, so she had no idea that I had anxiety/OCD nor was she aware of the depression I experienced upon learning of her retirement. I later mentioned my mental health conditions to the dean in hopes of reversing the grievance, but she wouldn't reach out to the professor. So, from her (the prof's. perspective), I maliciously filed a grievance against her.

Accepting an apology doesn't mean you're romantically interested in someone, though I agree that the lor request was irrelevant. Even if she thought it was a bit insincere, students are expected to ask for letters of recommendation and when the rapport is still in tact, a professor wouldn't care.

She did seem to like me at one time (I'm not saying romantically), so I don't know what changed. I wasn't pursuing a sexual relationship with her. I wasn't even pursuing a sexual relationship with her. I would have been happy staying in touch as former professor and student. The fact that she didn't even want this is what hurts me. To me it indicates that there was something/multiple things that she found deficient in me. Perhaps I wasn't smart, attractive, or interesting/charming enough to even maintain a basic rapport with. Our professional relationship was over, but I know people who have stayed in touch with former professors or teachers.

I'm also confused because she seemed enthusiastic about me at one time. I don't know what changed (before the grievance), but this whole thing is very upsetting to me. I'm sure you and others mean well telling me to move on.

I genuinely believe that she “has no ill will” towards you.

Do you know her or are you from the university? (That's my first thought when I see profiles that are created only to answer me.) If not, then your conjecture is as good as anyone's. I was pretty upset when I wrote to the chair (all this was fresh at the time).

I really don't believe she would stop speaking me over a romantic attraction. She's openly gay (I'm 100% sure I"m not outing her), and I think she understands questioning one's sexuality. A complaint accusing her of inflicting trauma is another story...

Edit-If you are from the university/know her/the situation, could you atleast DM me to verify this. I won't ask you reach out to her, but just knowing for sure that she doesn't have ill will help.

If she didn't have ill will toward me, then she'd allow me to apologize. You can apologize for misreading someone's tone, but not filing a complaint accusing them of inflicting injury. I just wanted her to understand everything.

I think the issue is that you went through the process totally backwards by applying to present something you hadn't even begun to research. You're not even a current student and you're asking her to put time and effort into something you seem so naive about. She was probably baffled by it and didn't even know what to say.

This is easier to see in retrospect, but at the time my anxiety got out of control and everything seemed more intense at the time. If this chair hadn't turned this into an accusation of inflicting injury (emotional trauma is an injury), it probably could have been worked out. They probably can't reach out to her and admit they made that kind of mistake because it would be a liability for them. (Again, she could sue them, from what I was told.) That doesn't make it right, though. I hope disciplinary action was taken against the chair, but it doesn't seem so.

And no, the dean should not abuse their power to make the professor hear you out. That would make the dean a ruthless and shitty boss.

Normally, I'd agree. However, because her subordinate (the chair) grossly mishandled the situation, I suffered a lot distress. I thought the university had the responsibility to correct the situation, but I now see that there's more liability for them that way (risking a law suit from the professor).

Maybe you came off wrong in your email proposal.

Here's the email I submitted:

Hello, Dr.__ A proposal which I submitted to was accepted for presentation at this year's annual conference in . However, this is my first __project, and I haven't been able to find any volunteers to interview so far. The project involves interviewing __ students on their experiences in . Although the project primarily focuses on _ I would ideally like to explore the ways in which __ intersects with _. Would you have any suggestions on how I could find volunteers or know anyone who might be interested in being interviewed? I'm attaching my proposal as well as the interview template I created so you can get a better idea of the project (if you're interested). Hope to see you at the conference! Best regards, Gemini725

I thought it was a friendly and professional email, but if you see any redflags in it, you can let me know.

My understanding is that you applied to the conference just for an excuse to interact with her and maybe she picked up on that.

I don't think so, but I don't know.

Maybe by then she had heard about the complaint you had written about one of her colleague's house being "filthy."

I actually wrote to her and told her when I left the house (I didn't mention why) since she was the one who started networking to help. She too stopped helping with housing, but she was polite about it and it otherwise didn't affect our rapport. (At least not from my perspective.)

Maybe she was going through a rough patch and a disorganized project by a former undergrad was not a top priority. This is most likely the case, which is fine.

You read too deeply into her emails, looking for something that wasn't there, and then you over reacted by writing to the chair after waiting only 24hrs. Exactly. This was a misunderstanding driven by my anxiety. I didn't want to accuse her of harming me. Ordinarily, something like this can be easily resolved...and maybe it could have been if the chair didn't accuse her traumatizing me.

You could have asked the chair why he said what he said, but my understanding is that you immediately complained to the dean (and others) about him.

I didn't report him right away. He refused to communicate with me about the situation. I think, like you said, he already didn't like me because of the housing scenario. Given that he knew how much I admired the professor (or at least that I liked her), he had to have seen that this was a misunderstanding. Again, his own friend (another chair) said that he'd never go to the dean over something like email tone alone.

And even if a student overreacts and writes to the chair, according to this other chair, it's usually something that can be worked out (which is why she suggested I send the dept. a hand-written letter before I explained everything.) I"M NOT AVOIDING MY SHARE OF BLAME, but why couldn't he at least have met with me before escalating this to the dean? Even a lawyer said he mishandled this, but the professor would have a case against the uni, not me.

It's perfectly reasonable for a student (an undergrad. yet) to apologize for writing to a chair because their anxiety caused them to misinterpret an email. Apologizing for accusing someone of serious injury (i.e. emotional trauma) isn't, however. The professor thinks this is what I wanted when it wasn't, and that's why I blame the chair.

Have you talked about this with any friends or family? Believe it or not, no one I know in real life (as far as I know) knows how much this has affected me. It's not something people really understand. People will understand being hurt over a break-up, for example, but not over a fallout with a professor you barely know.

What are you hoping to get from discussing this on reddit? It's cathartic for me, and I appreciate the little support/sympathy I've received. Plus I wanted professors' insights into what possibly could have happened.

What will it take for you to move forward? A conversation with the professor. It's typically not an unreasonable request, and the dean (in a position of power over the prof.) could have requested that she hear me out for a few minutes etc. This was handled atypically, and I don't know if it's because they already disliked me over the housing situation or because they're covering for the chair's colossal screw up.

This sucks, but it won't last forever. Thank you, I appreciate this. Normally, I wouldn't care about someone who clearly hated me, but this professor had such a positive influence on me, and it all seems so senseless for all this to have happened over a miscommunication of tone.

The university should have to pay for my sessions...

The was not required to give the response you think she should have given. And most people would not.

I never said she was required to give me any type of response, but most relationships (including professional relationships) have miscommunications, and people make mistakes. I don't think misreading someone's tone is unforgivable, nor is writing to a chair when my intention was only for him to help us work this out. (Being long distance, I couldn't just go to her office.) Of course, no one has to forgive anyone for anything, but anyone would would completely turn on someone over a minor misunderstanding probably does have some type of character flaw.)

Then again, the chair blew everything out of proportion and told her I was accusing her of traumatizing me...

I said that your writing to the chair was preceded by months of other inappropriate actions.You have described them in great detail in your own words.

What are you referring to? We ended the semester on decent terms (I thought she was unenthusiastic about the paper/lor, but otherwise everything seemed fine), and then I didn't contact her again until I emailed her about the proposal. That's when I noticed a 180 degree change in her tone (followed by completely ignoring me when I emailed her a few days later). Again, I hadn't contacted her in between that time, so I don't understand why her attitude changed so suddenly unless she herself has some type of mental health disorder [bipolar maybe?] that caused her mood to swing so suddenly. (If that's the case, I 100% forgive her.)

The bottom line here, from everyone's perspective except yours, is that it's over. You are not going to get the closure, the chance to apologise, or the friendship with your former professor that you so desperately want.

I concur, but I'm trying to understand how a misperception of someone's tone can completely change their attitude toward you. Why would the chair tell her I"m accusing her of traumatizing me (without even meeting with me)? And why would the dean lie and say everything was fine? Another commenter said they once took out a harassment order against a student; I bet no one told that student that she wasn't upset and would write him a lor. Nothing about this adds up.

This professor has made mistakes in her life. Nobody's perfect, yet she can't forgive me for misinterpreting her tone...

There's no justification for bullying and harassment, and the worst harassers aren't even professors but supposedly students (sometimes even undergrads). I'm outnumbered, so I'd appreciate if others would call out the bullies/harass them back when they see them. Instead, they're defended. I'm going to go through and report each harassing comment to admin., but the problem is there's no mod. on this sub. (Occasionally I harass them back but I think that feeds into it because they want a reaction; most are bored/insecure kids.)

You told me that I was stalking my former professor for months prior, but that's an assumption on your part. (I got aggravated because you're not the only one that's said that; it's becoming a widespread rumor.)

This professor and I had a good rapport while I was her student. She frequently complimented my work, was usually very warm, and offered to buy me coffee on campus once. This of course doesn't make us best friends, but I thought they were signs of a good student/professor rapport.

I then sent her an email about a week after class ended and she responded as soon as the break ended. (This is where she seemed to agree to write the lor, but seemed less enthusiastic than she had been about allowing me into this graduate level course.) I didn't contact her for another four months when I emailed her about the proposal acceptance. That's when I perceived her reply as curt. (Again, her emails were typically very warm.) I emailed her a few days later, offering to withdraw the proposal [figuring her tone was because it was unethical for me to submit the abstract before beginning it], and she didn't respond at all. That's when I wrote to the chair.

I acknowledge that it was a horrible decision, and I do take accountability for that. However, he then tell the professor that I'm accusing her of traumatizing me and reports this to the dean as if I were making an egregious accusation against her. This is the most simplest explanation as to why she's not talking to me. She's pissed because she thinks I tried to destroy her career over an email, but the chair completely misunderstood.

I was upset when I wrote that email to him, but even his own colleague said that he'd never go to the dean over an email tone (no matter how upset the student was). I had never complained about a faculty member before, never had any conduct issues etc. Yet he never bothered meeting with me and instead went completely nuclear.

Again, this all seemed to come out of nowhere, and I"m just trying to figure out what went on. Even more bizarre is the fact that the dean (initially) explicitly told me that spoke to the professor and she wasn't upset with me and seemed incline to write a lor. Why do that if she knew the professor wasn't speaking to me? Maybe the professor presented differently when they spoke to her?

Yes, I've acknowledged that I"m OCD, but a counselor isn't going to know what happened at the university. How does a misunderstanding of tone result in the professor being reported to the dean and never speaking to a student again, a student that they seemed to like at one time? Is writing to the chair never forgivable no matter how they handle the situation? Undergrads only have so much experience in academia and make mistakes sometimes. Professors should be understanding of this even when the mistake is going to the chair. (I didn't fully understand his role and certainly never thought he'd go to the dean and tell her I was accusing her of traumatizing/emotionally scarring me.)

Yes, I'v acknowledged that I have OCD, but a counselor has no more insight into what happened at the university than anyone else.

He flirts back sometimes, but when i catch his gaze I feel like I’m stealing.

I believe sexuality is more fluid than most people will admit to or acknowledge. For example, I've always felt straight (I'm still attracted to men), but last year I think I fell in love with a woman. I don't want to give you false hope because I obviously don't know how your friend feels about you, but sometimes people fall in love unexpectedly with people they never imagined they'd fall in love with. I wasn't just suddenly attracted to this woman, for example (who's much older than me). I admired her as a person, and my admiration became so strong that I think it borders on romantic attraction. So, you never know...(Again, I don't want to give you false hope, however.)

As others have said, at least he has some type of affection for you. Things ended pretty badly with this woman (who was my professor...), and I'm still affected by it. I don't know what to tell you except that I sympathize with your situation and hope this somehow works out for you.

you only have a bachelor’s degree.

Yes. I only have a bachelor's degree. Everyone here was at one time a person with only a bachelor's degree. I probably did better in undergrad than most of these "graduate students," but somehow they managed to get into grad. school while I was rejected after graduating in the top 4% of my class and taking grad. level courses as an undergrad. (I only applied to my alma mater)

And having more experience in academia wouldn't make anyone privy to what happened in this situation. I started posting on here because I wanted some perspective from professors as to what might have happened. Unless someone works at my university and knows what's going on, they can only speculate. But I "m sick of being told that I've harassed this professor for months prior, that I'm "ill" etc. People believe that because of the drama post and this story spreading from person to person with details get changed and exaggerated along the way. Thus, I have been libeled.

Until I told the dean about my anxiety and OCD when I tried to have the grievance reversed, nobody knew I had these conditions. (And faculty/admin. aren't informed of student's medical/mental health conditions. If there's a disability accommodation, all they know is that the student has a disability.)

Shame on you for your objectively deplorable, cruel, entitled, mean-spirited behavior and utter refusal to accept any responsibility.

I'm the one that's been harassed and bullied for months. You're not even writing this from your own account. People are creating fake accounts to gaslight me, I get called names/harassed, and sometimes comments aren't even directed to me but others talk to each other's about me on my own threads. Then someone created a post to make fun of me/libel me, it gets thousands of likes and comments (mostly mocking me), and everyone feels sorry for him. People dig up deleted comments and share them publicly. I even received a death threat (I reported it to admin. and the comment was deleted.)Yet when I get just a little annoyed and react in kind to them, I'm "cruel, entitled, and mean-spirited."

I'm not harassed on other subs. In fact, most comments are sympathetic and supportive. So I'm starting to think academia attracts toxic people. And I know this is what the bullies want, they want to harass me off of this sub or get a reaction to me. I shouldn't give in to it because I"m encouraging them. Hell, if I did delete my account, they'd be bored (until they find someone else to gang up on because that's how they feel better about themselves.)

You don't work at this university; you have no more insight into this than anyone else. Fuck off with your illness. You're probably a graduate student in their twenties...

You invited them in in a very direct and obvious way.

It's theoretically possible that people from my university have seen my posts, but it's more likely that I"m being gaslighted.

If you're not affiliated with this university nor have been filled in about the situation from anyone there (which is still 2nd hand info.), then you have no more certainty than anyone else about the situation. I figured I was being gaslighted when you said I harassed this professor for months.

Before that, you spent months harassing your professor when she used common strategies to make you stop.

Spent months harassing her? I didn't contact her between the end of the semester and the proposal email 4 months later, except once to ask for a lor a week after the semester ended (which she seemed to agree to, albeit with less enthusiasm than she had allowing me into the course).

If you knew how professors graded papers, you would not believe this for one second.

She did know about my housing situation, so she probably took that into consideration (which I"m grateful for), but I knew it wasn't my best work. (It was sloppy due to poor concentration.) I'm sure even under the worse circumstances and no matter what was going on in her life, she never wrote anything that bad during any point in her education.

After I finished my first course with her, as you've probably read if you've been following me, she was enthusiastic about allowing me into her graduate level course. She expressed this in no uncertain terms, saying that I was a "terrific student" and that "it would be her pleasure to work with me." After that paper, she said I may "contact her in the future re: grad. school applications." She consistently complimented my assignments, so if she felt she could write a strong letter of recommendation, she probably would have expressed more enthusiasm/warmth. That's beside the point, but this where my anxiety started building.

You must understand that the only person who still thinks this whole thing is a big deal and needs "absolute closure" is you. People have stopped speaking to you because they're afraid to make the situation worse.

Usually, something like this isn't a big deal. So that brings me back to the thought that she's either unforgiving/resentful or there's a lot more going on here than I'm aware. How could communicating with me make the situation worse? By not communicating, all they've done is exacerbate my OCD and cause me to turn to Reddit to vent/piece together what happened...

Normally, why would a professor cut all contact with a student (and refuse to write a letter of recommendation that they said they'd write) all because they misinterpreted their tone? That's why I said that she might be egotistical; such miscommunications happen all the time. However, again, based on their email communication, he told her (over the phone) that I was accusing her of traumatizing me (based on her reply).

I've actually explained to both the dean and the provost that, having OCD, I have difficult handling uncertainty at times, and would appreciate an explanation of what happened, but I only received the same generic response that she "has no ill will toward me etc."

It's easy to tell someone to "let it go," but she was important to me, and they won't even tell me why they handled the situation they did or why she won't reply.

We are only getting your side of the story here

Fair enough. However, this professor seemed to like me while I was her student. The one thing I think I can be certain about her is that she's nonjudgmental about sexuality. Student are attracted to/infatuated with professors all the time. As long as they don't act on those feelings while still a student, everything is fine. (A consensual relationship is permitted once the professor's supervisory role over the student ends.) However, I"m sure if I ever said or did anything that made her uncomfortable, at a min., she would have let me know.

I think I figured out what happened. The chair didn't tell her that I wanted to know if she was upset. He told her that I was accusing her traumatizing me, which is why he said (in the email) that he was working with the dean to "address my concerns." They likely didn't discipline her, but they presented this as if this is the course of action I wanted; so she thought I was trying to destroy her career.

If this is the case, I can understand why she probably hates me/doesn't want to speak to me. The problem is it isn't true, but admin. isn't going to back me up because it would be a legal liability for them. (An attorney told me that the professor is the one who could sue if a false grievance was filed against her.) And even if I write to her without the lor, request, it's my word against the chair's, so of course she's going to believe a long-time colleague over a student she's had 2 semesters--one whom she thinks has cause to retaliate (i.e. refusing to help with the project.)

The question is why he handled everything this way. He's most at fault in all of this because before taking the most drastic action (or giving the appearance of such) over an email miscommunication, he should have at least met with me and found out what my goal was. You once said yourself, however, that he probably just didn't want to interact with me because of the housing situation.

I know the department knows about your Reddit presence, but a part of me hopes your professor is unaware.

She probably is. If they wouldn't reach out to her in real life to help me work things out with her, they'd be unlikely to share my deepest thoughts with her. I have very mixed feelings about this (them reading my posts). On the one hand, I sometimes hope that someone will share some of my thoughts with the prof., but at the same time I feel my privacy is being invaded. I mean, imagine your whole undergrad. dept. and possibly even admin. reading posts about your sexual encounters, sexuality, medical issues, family history, etc. Talk about stalking.

I feel comfortable enough with the professor that I wouldn't mind her seeing some of this, especially the sexuality posts (not in a salacious way but because it would help her understand this better). Some of my old posts are a bit intense, but that's mainly because I was/am so distressed over this.

If you respect her as much as you say, you should respect her decision to not have contact with you.

I guess I'll have to, but I've never been this hurt in my life.