Mindfulness mediation helps. You can find free sessions on the podcast app. I do find it difficult — to nearly impossible — when I’m in the throes of limerence, but try setting aside a few times a day to commit to it. Do it whether or not it feels helpful. It slowly conditions your mind to be more present in the moment.

Plus, you’re making time to do something positive for yourself.

Oh also I think Tender is the Night offers a lot of insight into how crazy their relationship was. I know he put a lot of personal details into that. It’s one of my favorite novels, but it’s very sad.

I’d like to. I did read Nancy Milford’s biography of Zelda years ago, which is excellent.

With F. Scott, I think what I love most is the writing itself — his finely crafted sentences. And his perceptiveness about human nature. He has this tragic romantic sensibility I really click with as well. Almost all of his stories seem to end in tragedy and disillusion.

That’s interesting. I’ve actually read it a few times but I’m sure a lot of the subtext went over my head. I never read it in a classroom setting.

F. Scott is one of my favorite writers though.

Let’s hope so, old sport.

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time.

I don't have BPD, but can relate to some of the traits. I'm also fascinated by personality disorders and stumbled upon This guy's YouTube channel a while back.

I find him to be thoughtful and perceptive and the videos tend to focus on BPD. Plus he's a licensed psychologist. There was a recent video about managing moments of crisis. It might be a good place to start if therapy isn't an option right now.

I don't have any easy fixes because the emotional reaction is so immediate and intense, but I try to remind myself that limerence has turned my mind into a clue-seeking machine and, because I'm so desperate for hints of reciprocation and hypersensitive to hints of rejection, I often see things that aren't there, or at least exaggerate what is there.

Most likely it isn't about you. They could just be having a bad day, or be preoccupied with something. But we yearn to hear love in their tone so the absence of it feels like rejection/abandonment. Remind yourself that limerence is warping your perception of events. Emotionally, you're jumping to a conclusion.

With stuff like this, I'm trying to keep a dysfunctional thoughts journal. Draw a line down the center of the page. On the left, write down the event -- what happened, how you perceived LO's tone, and how it made you feel. On the right, write down other reasons LO might have sounded annoyed or dismissive -- ones that don't have anything to do with you.

I know it's hard, but sometimes actually writing it down makes it stick better than trying to do it all in your head. After all, our heads are a mess right now.

I'm in the same boat and wish you luck!

Thanks. That’s good advice. I’m going to try to do that. I do go through periods where I’m meditating in the mornings and trying to be more mindful and not let myself get lost in the fantasy. But like I said, it tends to be a cycle for me, and eventually I fall off the wagon for a bit. Then I have a sliver of hope again and it’s like a drug and I feel so alive, followed by crazy mood swings and the eventual plummet back to earth.

You’ve reminded me I need to get back on track and stop being self-destructive. I’m making myself sick.

Thank you for sharing.

I'm glad you were able to find a balance and exposure actually helped you gain some clarity. It's hard not to have the blinders on when you're in the infatuation phase, but reality checks are always a good thing. I guess that's why one of the recommendations is to actually spend more time with with your LO. It can shatter the illusion. Social media can be trickier though, because many people aren't very revealing and only project of image of how they want the world to see them, which can lead to idealizing them even harder. Or it can be like, "Oh, they posted a song I like. We're so connected."

Somehow I've blown through all of the reality checks with my LO, which is very confusing to me. Typically clear indicators of incompatibility are enough to kill a crush, but with her I keep getting amnesia. She's emotionally unavailable, says she doesn't like being touched or displays of affection (just generally). She has even said "Yeah, I"m a bitch." I'm an introvert and a homebody, while she is constantly doing things -- traveling, going to concerts, etc.

The prospect of actually being in a relationship with would be terrifying to me. I know I would just be chasing after her the whole time, seeking love she could never give me. But somehow I'm still stuck.

Me too. That’s a good way to put it — overeager. Also a lot of light teasing and saying her name too often, trying to flirt or force a certain level of intimacy.

That or totally avoiding her for weeks. Oof.

Thanks for the reminder.

I would like to go on a retreat as well, or something of that nature. Maybe I'll look into it.

Just followed your IG page.

It does feel so good. I think my mind was deceiving me into thinking it could be therapeutic. And I get exhausted trying to fight it all the time. I do go through periods where I limit contact, come back down to earth, and even think I’m over it.

My moods often go up and down depending on my fantasies as well. It feels so crazy, because deep down I know it’s just a story I’m creating in my head, but I’m so invested in it. I also have moments where I’ll remember something she said, maybe that I took as dismissive at the time, and a huge wave of dread will wash over me. It’s bizarre.

Excuse the Metallica reference.

I've been thinking a lot about the role of resistance in the limerence cycle. It's such a thin line to walk sometimes. When I'm in the throes and trying to fight it, I can get wound so tight trying to police my thoughts all the time that it creates more tension and exacerbates the misery. I get so mad at myself, and I'm basically internally screaming at myself to "Stop it" all the time. I do think my limerence is partly tied to self-esteem issues and lack of self-love, so this wasn't helping.

Just as an experiment, I tried doing the opposite over the last few days. I guess you could call this a form of "flooding." I journal every morning, and lately it's become an argument with myself over my LO. So instead, I just wrote out all of my feelings and fantasies about her without trying to qualify them or convince myself of their wrongness. I said to myself, "These thoughts and feelings are totally okay." I let go of the shame for a minute and immediately felt a weight lift off my shoulders. I decided to look at all of her pictures on social media (something I normally avoid), totally surrender to my fantasies, go out of my way to interact with her at work, etc.

Basically, I was saying to my mind, "Oh, so is what you want huh? Well here you go fucker."

I could actually feel the tension subside for a while, and I thought I was actually succeeding in making myself sick of her.

Then we had a few really positive interactions, she gave me some attention, and I started to slip into that familiar near-manic state. Like I was on cocaine or something. I lost my appetite, started having insomnia issues again, couldn't think about anything except how I would reach out to her next and attempt to connect.

So ... that didn't work and now I'm feeling hyperactive and crazy again. I know there will be a crash soon, likely set off by some innocuous comment from my LO that I take personally. It really does mimic the patterns of a mood disorder.

Has anyone else experimented with this sort of thing? Any tips? NC isn't possible because we work together. I think there's some middle ground I need to find where I'm keeping myself in check but being gentler with myself about it. It's just so easy for me to slip into one unhealthy state or the other.

Hey thanks! Limerence is eating me alive right now so I’ve been trying to find the humor in it and not take myself so seriously.

It’s a slippery slope for sure.

I hear you. I’ve been doing both in a vicious cycle that has lasted almost a year.

My LO is a co-worker and I catch myself doing this quite a bit. We work the same schedule and I'll show up in the parking lot a few minutes early and wait for her to arrive, so I can exit my car at the same time and just so happen to cross paths with her as we're entering the building. The adrenaline rush! haha

I've done other stuff like this too, similar to what you're describing. It makes me feel gross but it's also kind of funny. You have to laugh at yourself sometimes. I'll even lie to myself, rationalizing that I really need to go downstairs for insert excuse and if I just so happen to bump into her blah blah blah.

I don't know if you've ever seen the movie Hannah and Her Sisters, but it contains a classic limerence scene wherein Michael Caine, who has an obsessive crush on his wife's sister, goes out of his way to "accidentally" bump into her on the street.

This has become a reference point for me. When I fall back into limerence after a period of relative sobriety (usually by avoiding her), the making excuses to see her stuff is always the first indicator I'm in trouble again.

I think, "Oh no, I'm Michael Caine-ing again."

For me, it's both.

There are times I've read something on here that snapped me out of the trance, or caused a positive shift in my consciousness. People often share helpful advice or articles. Also, this sub can make you feel less crazy and less alone, which can help with the shame. For me, shame is a big part of the cycle.

On the other hand, I think I sometimes come here to fuel it or wallow in the hopelessness of my predicament. Plus I think many of us are chasing a high/craving dopamine hits, and just talking about my LO can give me a buzz. I used to catch myself doing this at work, just bringing her up to other co-workers in a casual way to stir up my emotions. It's an addiction in a way, so visiting this sub can become part of that cycle.

At least you held back. I know humiliation is a natural reaction and I would feel the same but you didn’t do anything wrong. I think it’s brave of you to actually do it, not embarrassing.

My confession draft is a massive double-texter. I’m scared to death I’m going to send it one day.

Yeah it’s the roller coaster aspect of it that really starts to take a toll after a while.

A single interaction with her where I feel like we connected and I’m back in.

I’m sorry that happened to you. There are times when I think I want rejection, that it would free me somehow, but I also know how devastating it would be. And it might not free me at all.

I’m fairly sure my LO doesn’t see me that way, so rejection would be the likely outcome. We work together, so it would make things weird. She has a low tolerance for uncomfortable situations and just ghosts. But I have this overwhelming urge to tell her anyway. My rational brain knows it’s a terrible idea.

You ate me right up / You spit me back out / You bit my head right off with your tiny little mouth

My cat can eat a whole watermelon,

You’re right, developing self-awareness is definitely the most crucial step. And learning to observe your own thoughts dispassionately. It’s still difficult because the patterns are so deeply ingrained. It’s easy to start beating yourself up when you’re able to recognize your own bullshit (objectively) but still get pulled back into them again and again. So remember to be gentle with yourself. Especially with the Enneagram, because it can be tough to read about your number at first. It gets way more in depth about your flaws than most personality typing stuff.

I am most definitely an Enneagram 4 . I was always skeptical about personality typing but the type 4 descriptions were eerily accurate for me, like reading my own journals at times.

Btw, there are free Enneagram tests online but you should probably just use them to get a ballpark idea.

I’ve realized this about myself as well. I think on some level I’m addicted (or at least drawn) to the inner conflict and the yearning and even the sense of abandonment. I think it reinforces my tragic sense of self, which I cling to as an identity (not sure how relatable that part is). Plus maybe it’s also just old patterns from childhood playing out over and over again. What’s familiar can often become a comfort zone, even if it’s unhealthy. How you experienced love or attachment early on (even if you suffered no serious abuse or anything like that) can become your blueprint going forward. It’s very difficult to break out of.

I don’t know if you’ve ever read about the Enneagram, which is a personality typing system and tool for personal growth, but it has helped me immensely in figuring out some of my personality traits that keep me stuck. The need for yearning and heightened feelings (tied to the urge to create inner conflict for myself) is a big one.

Great post. I relate to a lot of this.

I do the same kind of maladaptive daydreaming. When I was a kid, I used to jump on the trampoline while listening to music. The constant motion (maybe endorphin release related to it being a light form of exercise) would set my mind dreaming in glorious technicolor about idealized situations involving an idealized version of myself. Sometimes these scenes would play on a loop. It was definitely like a drug.

I experience a very intense version of this when I'm limerent. Certain songs fuel it for sure, and I have to avoid them. But it's difficult, because it feels so good to get swept away. But if I allow myself to get really worked up there's an inevitable crash later. I don't think I'm bipolar, but I've felt like I might be at times due to these extreme mood swings.

In general, I've always had the habit of retreating into my imagination when reality becomes too disappointing or painful. I'm in my mid-30s and only now starting to seriously work on this (so it's good you're recognizing it now). If you can't get your needs met in the real world, your brain will find some way to alleviate that suffering. If you already have an overactive imagination, it may look there.

Exercise.

When I stop, I start going underwater.

Wolf Like Me by TV on the Radio

I think self-esteem issues often play a big part. If you can find love in yourself, you won't be as obsessive about seeking it in others. It won't be the end of the world if someone doesn't like you back.

This is probably just one piece of the puzzle though.

When you have to go #2 in a public restroom and the tip of your penis accidentally touches the inside of the toilet. AKA The Witch's Kiss.

ICE TOWN COSTS ICE CLOWN HIS TOWN CROWN

I love Nick Drake, too, especially Pink Moon .

If you like this, you'll probably like the rest of the album. The tracks "Tonight" and "Says Eliot" also speak to me.

It's the only album she ever recorded, and it went undiscovered for years. I feel like the backstory also appeals to my 4-ness haha. From Wikipedia:

The songs that made up her album Colour Green were home reel-to-reel tape recordings Baier had made in Germany between 1970 and 1973. Some 30 years later, her son Robby compiled a CD from these recordings to give to family members as presents. He also gave a copy to Dinosaur Jr's J Mascis, who in turn passed it along to the Orange Twin label. Orange Twin released the album in February 2006.

Elliott Smith, Sufjan Stevens, Joanna Newsom, Weyes Blood, The Smiths, The Cure, Joy Division

On the subject of post-rock, I listened to a ton of Sigur Ros, Do Make Say Think (specifically the album "& yet & yet), Boards of Canada, and Godspeed You! Black Emperor in college.

autumn & redundancy.

Yeah, if she's a kind person, she might recognize that. I say this because when I do something like this I instantly assume the other person is thinking, "God, what a pathetic loser." Basically I assume other people judge me as harshly as I judge myself, which might not be the case.

I know this hurts, but you don't need to be ashamed. For me, it's the shame after a moment like this that makes everything spiral and seem like all of my progress has been lost. I experience that shame like my whole body is on fire and I can't get away from it. It will pass, though. It's a cycle, unfortunately, and it's difficult to break. You're okay.

She might miss you, too, just not in our obsessive limerent way. Her not answering the "I miss you" text may be an act of kindness from her perspective.

Sorry you're going through this. That is rough. That's a very self-centered and dismissive response from him, and I think it tells you all you need to know about his level of empathy for someone who is clearly being vulnerable. You deserve better.

It’s something I really struggle with. When I’m lost in the daydream the yearning for these shared moments overrides my logical brain.

Almost a year. The glimmer started at our work Christmas party last year, but took a couple of months to escalate into full blown limerence.